


It´s too cold

by Briallen



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Panic Attacks, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Suicide Attempt, Violence, all the shit shit shit with fluff between and happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2020-10-25 13:15:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 44,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20724806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Briallen/pseuds/Briallen
Summary: "Don't worry about it," Eliott said, looked relieved. "I'm just so happy.. you know...that...," he stared at Lucas."That what?" Lucas asked so quietly, that it came out almost as a whisper.Eliott's eyes met his, looking into them quietly a little longer, then he takes a deep breath."That I found you," said Eliott softly and looked down.Lucas was looking at him, his heart beating faster and faster and some strange feeling was growing bigger and bigger in his chest."Me too," he whispered. "I'm happy too."





	1. Found you

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, welcome back to my channel-
> 
> Okay I´m kidding. This is not a youtube channel.  
(Or is it?)  
Okay I´ll stop. 
> 
> This is like.... mostly flashbacks and changing povs then and there, okay? So please, pay attention to those little titles during chapters.
> 
> FOR WHOLE STORY:  
TW: mention of death; panic attack; anxiety; violence; suicidal thoughts; suicide
> 
> Okay, hope you´ll enjoy it!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't worry about it," Eliott said, looked relieved. "I'm just so happy.. you know...that...," he stared at Lucas.  
"That what?" Lucas asked so quietly, that it came out almost as a whisper.  
Eliott's eyes met his, looking into them quietly a little longer, then he takes a deep breath.  
"That I found you," said Eliott softly and looked down.  
Lucas was looking at him, his heart beating faster and faster and some strange feeling was growing bigger and bigger in his chest.  
"Me too," he whispered. "I'm happy too."

  
**LUCAS - NOW**

  
"He's dead."

  
Maybe he feels something. Maybe he already knew what's about to come, what that pain means, what was that unpleasant heaviness on his chest, the almost unbearable pain in his head and stabbing in his heart. Maybe he knew it and just didn't WANT that. He didn't want to know. He can't accept it. Because he can't live like that. He won´t survive. It can´t be true.

  
"He's dead, I'm sure you can feel it yourself."

  
Feel it. Of course he´d feel something like that. But the pain and the invisible weight on his shoulders, it could mean literally anything else... Not death of his-

  
"Hey, are you listening to me?"

  
The annoying annoying voice. He hates that fucking voice so much in this moment, and he´s almost sure he will hate it for the rest of his life. He thinks about if anytime in future he´ll be able to hear that sound without the strong need to scream. 

_Future._   
_Yeah, no, thanks._   
_Not anymore._

  
He can't breathe. Where did all the air go? Why it's so cold here? It's too cold, it's too fucking cold. Where is he? Where the fuck is he? How did he get here?

  
He keeps his eyes shut, tightly, he doesn't want to see anything. Hear anything. Feel anything.

  
But he's not that lucky.

  
Around him is darkness, bringing him endless pain pain pain. Pain everywhere. He's panicking. He's not able to feel anything else except the pain. He doesn't know about his surroundings, he can't even feel if he's still breathing right now.

  
"Hey, sooner you accept it the better for you. You can move on faster then, after you just admit it to yourself, you know? Trust me."

  
That awful voice again and just shut up shut up _shut up!_

  
Lucas curls into himself and brings his hand what doesn´t hold the phone, over his other ear and presses hardly, he can't hear any more of it. Because it's not true. It's not true. It can't be true. It can´t be.

  
"Lucas, do you hear me?"

  
_No. No. Please shut up. Leave me the fuck alone._  


"Lucas."

  
_Go away go away go away go away go away go away go-_  


"Eliott is dead."

  
And then everything goes black.

**LUCAS - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
It was first day back in school after Christmas holidays.

  
It was his last year of high school, he´s 18.

  
Lucas was trying to balance his enormous amount of textbooks as he walked fast through the corridor to his locker, when his phone buzzed. Lucas pulled it out from his pocket to see text from his boss, asking Lucas to hurry up, that today was really busy in the restaurant.

  
Lucas wanted to respond _on my way,_ when he suddenly bumped into somebody and fell backwards to the floor, things from his hands fell all around the floor.  


"I´m so sorry," he began to apologize immediately, kneeled on the floor, ignoring the pain in his lower back and started collecting his things.

  
"No, all good, it was my fault, let me help you," soft melodic voice and then those hands grabbing his stuff.

  
Lucas looked up finally and saw this hair. Bronze, almost gold as the sun was shining behind that boy. He looked like he was shining himself. Lucas didn´t see his face properly, as the sun behind this boy was blinding him, but he saw very clearly that boy´s smile.

Big.

Shiny.

_Beautiful._

The most beautiful Lucas ever saw in his life.

That smile.

He saw that _smile_.

And that was enough.

**ELIOTT - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
Oh man, this boy.

  
This little boy, so full of hidden light. Eliott saw it, actually. He really saw it. And it wasn´t only because of the sun, which was shining a little too much for one January monday.  
It was just _him_.  
Him and his fluffy hair coloured like belgic chocolate. Him, and his wide eyes, god, his eyes, so unbelievably blue. (So blue and bright that Eliott almost missed it. But he noticed. Eliott noticed the dark circles under those sparkly oceans. Circles so dark that it looked almost like bruises.) Him, and his goddamn eyelashes, probably the longest eyelashes in whole France. Him, and his lips, parted (little dry, but full and pink), as he was kneeling there and staring at Eliott.  


Eliott smiled at him and handed him his stuff, which he collected from the floor.

  
"Thank you," said the boy and both of them standed up, still staring into each other´s eyes. Eliott could stay like this forever.  


"No problem," he smiled again even when he wanted to scream. Because he felt... lighter. He felt better. He felt like, in that moment, everything was finally in the right place.

  
And then the group of boys approached them, they were talking loudly about something, Eliott didn´t really pay attention because in that moment the only thing he was interested in was the boy standing right in front of him.  


One guy of the group bumped into that boy and his blue blue so freaking blue eyes widened as he stumbled forward into Eliott, who cought him, his hands holding the boy´s biceps.

  
Damn, those muscles.

  
"Fuck! Watch out, Lucas," the boy called over his shoulder as he and his friends walked away like nothing happened.

  
Through Eliott passed wave of anger, because_ what the fucking hell was that?_ And then he saw how the boy in his arms suddenly looked so embarassed and with that so vulnerable and Eliott was ready to run to the group and kill them all with his bare hands. (And no, he was not a fighter. He was really _not_ a fighter.)

  
But then.

  
_Lucas?_

  
Lucas.  


He called the boy _Lucas_.

  
Eliott couldn´t move. He was stunned. Because it was starting to make sense. And now he was staring at the smaller boy like a total creep. Fuck.

  
But.

  
Did _he_ know?

  
Did the other one know, too? Did he _feel_ it, too?

  
Lucas didn´t meet his eyes, he was looking on the floor and shifts his stuff in his hands so he could reach down for piece of paper which fell from one of his books, apparantely.

But Eliott was faster.

He bent down, took the paper, passing it to Lucas. Lucas looked up to meet his gaze, but Eliott was staring at Lucas´ left hand, his palm open so Eliott could see clearly.

  
The name written in black font on his ringfinger.

  
There, where your soulmate´s name should be.

  
The name. 6 letters.

  
His name.

  
_ELIOTT_.

  
Eliott´s eyes were wide open now and he grabbed Lucas´ hand with a little too much force because he startled him and Lucas jumped back but Eliott held his hand tightly, staring at his name on that beautiful boy´s pretty small and strong hand and his mouth went agape, because, _really_?  


How is this even _possible?_

  
_Universe, you fucking bastard._

  
Eliott finally met Lucas´ eyes, and he looked scared and with that little smaller, and it finally woke Eliott from his trans and he slowly let Lucas hand go, unwillingly.

  
"Oh, f-fuck I´m sorry, I just-"

  
_What_.

  
What could he say to make it less creepy.

  
"You´re...uh...you´re Lucas, right?"

  
"Yeah," Lucas wrapped his now-free hand around his stuff and held it all closer and tighter. "And you are? I´m sorry, do I know you?" Pair of huge sparkly blue pools was staring at him, maybe a little curiously now. Like he´d be thinking if they already met. Like he couldn´t quite remember if he knew Eliott.

  
"Uh, no, not yet," Eliott gave him small nervous smile and took a deep shaky breath.

  
_Okay, you have to do this, tell him._

  
_Now_.

  
"I´m Eliott."

  
And then.

  
He opened his own left hand for Lucas to see his own name, _LUCAS_, in black font, on Eliott´s ringfinger. Lucas was staring at it, then he reached out and lightly touched it before he met Eliott´s eyes again.

  
The slow realization in Lucas´ face was the most beautiful thing Eliott ever saw.

**LUCAS - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
"Finally!" his boss´ voice echoed little locker room, where Lucas went to change into work clothes. "Actually, Lucas, I need you to wear this today."   
Lucas looked up and saw as Jared handing him white button shirt and black trousers.

  
"Why?" Lucas asked, because that was clothes for waiters. And he was just... well... somehow boy-for-everything, but definitely _not_ a waiter. He was helping in the kitchen and he was doing dishes and he was cleaning the tables and also almost whole restaurant after closing and most of the time he was the only one left there and then he locked the door and went home, where he almost passed out in that very moment his head touched the pillow. Usually around midnight.

  
So yeah. He was kinda confused now.

  
"Well, Arthur is sick and it would be okay if Alexia didn´t call like twenty minutes ago that she cought some flu or whatever and won´t be able to come today, either. And we can´t handle that with only two waiters, so, that´s where you´re coming to the scene," Jared said, fast and impatient, and threw the package of clothes on Lucas.

  
Lucas looked at the black and white in his hands and then back to Jared.

  
"Yeah yeah don´t worry, you´ll get paid some extra for tonight, okay? Now please, hurry up and do your job," and with that Jared turned around and left.

  
What could Lucas do.

  
He didn´t like the waiter´s job to be honest, he had to do that once, for like an hour because Yann - one of the waiters - was stuck in the train and didn´t make it in time, and restaurant was full and it was actually very scary experience. His tired mind wasn´t able to remember all orders correctly and customers were pissed and Jared too. So when Lucas saw Yann walking through the door, the wave of relief was blessing for Lucas whole body, because he started holding his breath for too long and his lungs went tight and he was almost about to start panicking and then... it was over.  


Now Lucas changed into that shirt and pants and it suited him pretty well actually (okay those trousers was a little too long and the shirt a little too tight around his chest but still in acceptable way). Then he realized he didn´t have proper shoes to this outfit, neither to the fancy restaurant. He didn´t want to piss Jared by asking such a stupid thing so he just putted on his own shoes, old black converse.

  
_Whatever._

  
Just one stupid night as a waiter.

  
He could do it.

**ELIOTT - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
"Honey, couldn´t you wear something more... well, something else for dinner with your parents?" his mother asked him and Eliott took a deep breath.

  
No, he couldn´t let himself sink into annoyed mood again. And no, he couldn´t wear anything else, because his closet was full of similar things. Like twenty black t-shirts. Or eight ripped jeans (five of them in black). Black hoodies (he didn´t remember the amount correctly). So no, he couldn´t be dressed differently than in black jeans, black hoodie and jacket.

  
"Mom, I didn´t know you wanted to go to a freaking restaurant for a dinner. I thought we´d stay at home," he replied and tried to calm down.

  
"Don´t be silly, we see our son like... what? Twice a year? Of course we would want to go to a nice place to eat something really good for once. It makes sense."

  
Eliott sighed and didn´t comment it. His father was asking him questions then, about his first day in new school, which was today, about last year in high school, about his college plans, about everything and, you know, Eliott was trying, he was really trying, but it was so hard when none of those things matter anymore. None of it.

  
Because he met his _soulmate_ today.

  
He still couldn´t believe it.

  
He met_ his soulmate._

  
Finally.

  
He just met this incredible little boy and - wait, that was not correct, that boy literally _bumped_ into his arms out of nowhere and truth is that Eliott found him special from the very first moment and then he found out he was his _soulmate_, could you fucking believe it? And it was basically _all_ he could think about right now.

  
"Can I take your order?" the waiter asked suddenly and Eliott headed up to look at him and _fuck_.

  
Lucas.

  
But _fuck_.

  
In white shirt and black pants and his messy hair and pink lips and amazingly long eyelashes as he was looking down, he looked

oh _god_

so tired

and fucking _gorgeous_.

  
Lucas didn´t look up, he was looking at his little notepad and pen in his hands, ready to write down whatever they tell him. And Eliott just stares.

  
He was blatantly realizing his parents talking, Lucas nodding and writing and his face was so pale and looked so _soft_ and Eliott had to grab sides of his chair and held it like his life would depend on it because he was afraid he would reach out and touch-

  
"Eliott? Eliott, what do you want?"

  
Lucas looked up sharply and their eyes met and Eliott could see the oceans, so blue, shining less than in school this afternoon, and he didn´t like it. No, he _did_ like it, but, it wasn´t right.  
_What happend to my other half,_ he thought.   
Because, yes, they met literally few hours ago, but Eliott was sure he won´t accept anything less than his life with Lucas from now on, together, forever.  
Thank you very much.

  
Call him creepy all you want. He didn´t care. He was waiting for him his whole life. And he couldn´t imagine in his wildest dreams that his soulmate will be this motherfucking beautiful.

  
"Eliott!"

  
"Y-yeah?"

  
"What do you want?" his mother asked.

  
_Lucas. I want Lucas._

  
"To eat."

  
Ahh, yeah.  


"Uh...fries," he said the first thing that came to his mind. Okay - second thing. The first was obviously Lucas.

  
"Of course you want fries," his mother shook her head. Then she looked at Lucas. "He´ll take steak and baked potatoes," she said.

  
Eliott wanted to scream.

  
"That would be all, thank you," his mother added.

  
Lucas was still standing there. Looking at Eliott. And Eliott noticed his eyes are sligtly red and he frowned at that.

  
"That would be all, young man, thanks," Eliott´s mother repeated a little louder.

  
Lucas looked down.  


"It will be in a moment," he said quickly and walked away.

  
"Wierd boy," Eliott´s father said after he was gone.

  
"He´s not wierd!" Eliott shouted.

  
"Eliott, you have to admit he was a little wierd."

  
"Well, maybe I like wierd," Eliott said in very deffensive tone, stood up and went to the bathroom.

  
Fuck.

  
Well. Maybe he thought about Lucas the same thing after their meeting in school. Because Lucas just, like Eliott, met his soulmate, and he just... told Eliott he had to go and... walked away? Almost ran. And Eliott stood there, trying to understand what the fuck just happened.

  
But now Eliott understood. Lucas really had to go. To work, obviously. It was a little wierd, because Lucas was the first person Eliott knew, who had a job in high school. But not in the wrong way. Eliott just hoped they will talk soon alone and that he´ll get to know Lucas better.

  
Eliott took a few deep breaths and walked out of the bathroom door  
only to bump into  
Lucas.

  
"Oh! We really should stop doing that," he letted out a little laugh. And by that 'we should stop' he meant 'let´s do that for the rest of our lives'.

  
"I-I´m sorry," Lucas said and ran his hand through his hair. Oh man, looking adorable.

  
Eliott shook his head and smiled at him because, really, was anybody out there who would _not_ smile at this boy? He couldn´t imagine.

  
"I- I actually need to ask you something, can I?" Lucas said quietly and maybe a little nervously.

  
"Yes! Yes of course! Ask whatever you want."  
_ I would give you the sun if you want me to._

  
"It´s a little embarrassing," Lucas breathy laughed, "but I kinda.. forgot your order," he looked up at Eliott with big embarrassed puppy eyes and Eliott felt how his legs were turning into jelly.

  
"My order?" he asked dumbilly.

  
"Yeah, well, I can´t remember what did you want. Can you please tell me?"

  
"W-what I want?" Eliott blushed, staring at his face, at his pink cheeks and lips and he had to work really hard to stop himself from screaming on the whole restaurant: "I WANT TO GRAB YOUR CUTE PRETTY FACE AND KISS THE HELL OUT OF YOU!"

  
Fuck.

  
He was too deep in it, already.

  
And he was also slowly realizing what was Lucas question about.

  
Food.

  
_It´s about fucking food, Eliott!_

  
"Ah yes, fries. It was just fries."

  
"Okay, thanks," Lucas said, shy smile on his face, turned around and went to the kitchen.

**LUCAS - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
He couldn´t do it.

  
It was horrible. All these people around him. He broke a wine glass in the first 30 minutes because this middle-aged man was waving his hands wildly around him while he was telling some story to his wife, and Lucas just, didn´t see it coming.

  
He cleaned it up in a minute, but he was so tired. And embarassed. He went to the bathroom and few tears escaped from his eyes.  
(Maybe a little more than few.)

  
But it was okay.

  
He´s okay.

  
And then there was Eliott with his parents.

  
And if Eliott is really his soulmate (oh god he found his soulmate fuck fuck fuck he found him fuck!!!), Lucas didn´t make a good first impression, then.

  
But fuck it.

  
Eliott maybe didn´t even want him anymore, Lucas literally ran away this afternoon.

  
He panicked, okay?

  
Look. He was all alone his whole life and when his soulmark appeared in his fifteen, he had really bad bad time back then and he just didn´t pay any attention to that. To finding his soulmate. He really didn´t give a shit about it.

  
And today, BOOM!

  
This glowing beautiful (tall as fuck) creature standing in front of him like _Hi, I´m your soulmate, look at my cute little smile, look at my moony eyes, look at my sunshine aura, look at me and love me._  


Okay Eliott didn´t say it exactly like that, but close enough.

  
And then Lucas´ phone buzzed in his pocket again and he really had to go, because he couldn´t afford to be fired.  


And then he was so in shock to see Eliott there, that he blocked out everything else and then Eliott´s mother talked for her son (Lucas´ soulmate btw, did you know that?) like he was five years old dumb boy (and he definitely wasn´t), Lucas saw the expression on Eliott´s face, his clenched jaw and that sign of anger in his eyes. His bright starry eyes. And Lucas didn´t like it.

  
Not his eyes, obviously. He loved them (fuck it, he really loved them).  


But that behaviour.  


But what the fuck.

  
What the fuck he could do now.

  
...

  
"Here you go," Lucas said as he put their plates in front of them.  


"Uh, young man!" Eliott´s mother called after him when he turned to leave.

  
He turned back with small smile, because he expected that.

  
"Yes, please?" he asked politely.

  
"This is not what we ordered," she said, pointing at Eliott´s plate full of fries.

  
"Oh, I´m so sorry, I must heard that wrong, then. Didn´t you say you want fries?" he asked with innocent smile and looked at Eliott.

  
Eliott looked little taken aback, staring at Lucas, then he looked down to his plate, then back up at Lucas, amused and fond smile on his lips.

  
"Yes, I did."

  
Little smirk appeared on Lucas´ lips and the spark in his eyes matched Eliott´s.

  
But he couldn´t notice such a thing.

  
...

  
Lucas finnished his responsibilities in restaurant, put on his black coat and scarf, came out and locked the door. He thought he could fall asleep right here on the pavement, it was after 11pm and he was so freaking tired.

  
"Hi."

  
"Fuck!" he jumped and dropped the keys. His heart was beating wildly in his chest.

  
Eliott was there. Standing in the shadows, hands in pockets, smile bright and eyes clear.

  
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Eliott came closer to him and picked up the keys, handing them to Lucas, who stared at him for a few more seconds, because, _was this person even real?_

  
He looked like from fairytale.

  
"What are you doing here?" Lucas asked and took his keys.

  
"I was waiting for you" Eliott said.

  
Eliott was waiting for him.

  
Lucas' heart melted a little.

  
A _lot_.

  
"It's so late," Lucas said, feeling bad. He was robbing Eliott of precious hours of sleep.

  
"Yeah, uh... Fuck, I'm sorry, you probably must think I'm total creep and stalker or something, I'm sorry, that's so wierd oh my god-," Eliott looked so fucking nervous and embarassed.  
And cute. He looked cute. 

  
"No no, no it's okay, totally!" said Lucas and he meant it. It was the nicest thing somebody had done for him in very long time. "I'm sorry I ran away from school today, I... I really had to go to work. I can't lose this job."

  
"Don't worry about it," Eliott said, looked relieved. "I'm just so happy.. you know...that...," he stared at Lucas.

  
"That what?" Lucas asked so quietly, that it came out almost as a whisper.

  
Eliott's eyes met his, looking into them quietly a little longer, then he takes a deep breath.

  
"That I found you," said Eliott softly and looked down.

  
Lucas was looking at him, his heart beating faster and faster and some strange feeling was growing bigger and bigger in his chest.

  
"Me too," he whispered. "I'm happy too."

  
...

  
Eliott walked him home.

  
Well, not _home_ home, because Lucas didn't let him. He wasn't sure if he was ready for Eliott to see his place for living. For now.

  
But it was nice and calming and full od shy smiles and breathy laughs and Lucas almost forgot how tired he was, until he came into his room and fell asleep that very moment his head touched the pillow.

  
Eliott was waiting for him the next day too.

  
And the next day too.

  
And the next one.

**ELIOTT - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
Those night walks were blessing for Eliott's heart.

  
He never felt like that before. So happy. So good. So himself.

  
He went to school, then he went home, took a nap and around 11pm he was standing in front of the restaurant, waiting for one special pretty boy.  


On monday, he had to admit that it was really a little creepy from him. Why the fuck did he do that? Lucas looked shocked and honestly, after later consideration, Eliott couldn't blame him.

  
But then they talked.

  
About school for example - Eliott had to change school because of moving from one end of Paris to another and his previous high school was now too far. And that was why they didn't meet sooner.

  
They met literally on Eliott's first day in new school.

  
Eliott didn't say him his thoughts, his conviction about how Lucas saved him that day. He was so anxious, first day in totally unknown place, new school, new people with new faces all around him, staring at him instead of talking to him. He was about to cry from frustration, his stomach hurt from anxiety, he was running to the bathroom when BAM! Out of nowhere his soulmate just bumbed into him.

  
What a freaking beautiful fate.

  
On tuesday, it was less nervous and less shy and more smiles and more brushing arms. Eliott felt like they´d knew each other for years.

  
And maybe they really did.  


On wednesday, he came almost late.

  
"Lucas!" he called out when he saw familiar silhouette of his boy (yes, he was his boy, but Eliott didn't say that out loud - yet - they knew each other only for 3 days) walking down the street. Eliott was running because he didn't expect his nap would take so long. He was watching animal planet, there was this document about hedgehogs and it was hella interesting. But then another started, something about felines, it didn´t catch Eliott´s interest and so he fell asleep after 2 minutes watching that.

  
"What are you doing? You can´t do that every day," Lucas said and walked towards him.

  
"I want to," said Eliott, out of breath - from the run, obviously, definitely not from the sight of Lucas wrapped in big grey scarf, hair fluffy, cheeks and nose pink, eyes dark and tired.

  
Nope, definitely from the run.

  
"You need to sleep sometimes, too, you know," Lucas said, looking at him with guilty eyes.

  
"I slept. That´s why I came late. I´m sorry about that," Eliott said and looked at him properly in that poor lightning of street lamps. Those dark circles under his big eyes looked even more prominent and darker than the first day Eliott saw him (is it possible it was just 2 days ago? He felt like they knew each other for ages). "You look like you could use more sleep time," he said then with concern.

  
"Sleep is for the weak," Lucas tried to joke but in the end of it yawned, looking adorable. He reminded Eliott one pet hedgehog from the document.

  
"Sure," Eliott said not convinced and as they walked down the street, he told Lucas everything he learned about hedgehogs.

  
On thursday he couldn´t take that anymore.

  
He just fucking couldn´t.

  
So when they´re standing there, on the corner of the street where Lucas always stopped and didn´t let Eliott go farther with him, Eliott did that.  


He leaned forward and slowly wrapped his arms around Lucas shoulders, pulled him closer into a hug and held him there.  


After few seconds he felt hesitant hands on his back. Lucas burried his face into the black scarf around Eliott´s neck and hugged him tighter. Eliott smiled at that into Lucas´ hair, so soft, tickling him on his face and he loved it. He never wanted to let go.

  
On friday, Eliott went home from school and when he arrived to the bus stop, there was Lucas, sitting and frowning at his phone screen.

  
"Hi," said Eliott and sat down next to him.

  
Lucas´ head snapped up and his frown almost dissapeared when he saw Eliott.  


"Hey," he said, looked down again.

  
"Is there something wrong?" Eliott asked. Lucas didn´t look happy._ Who I have to fight?_ Eliott wanted to ask and hoped noone, because he really was _not_ a fighter.

  
"Oh, yeah, no, my boss texted me I'm not needed in work today."  


"Isn't that a good thing? You have free friday night," Eliott smiled at him. Why would be someone dissapointed because of something like that?

  
"I guess...," Lucas mumbled and shoved his phone to his pocket.  


Eliott got an idea. Maybe the best idea of all.

  
"So, do you have any plans, then?" he asked hesitantly.

  
"Hm?" Lucas looked lost in thoughts. "No, not really. No plans."

  
"No?" Eliott raised his eyebrows, spark in his eyes, smile on his lips when Lucas shook his head. "Would you, maybe... I don't know, uh, want to watch a movie with me or something?"

  
Lucas blinked at him.

  
"When?" he asked.

  
"Today. I mean, now," _right the fuck now Lucas, please say yes say yes say yes say yes-_

  
"Okay," Lucas nodded his head and smiled at Eliott.

  
Eliott had to hold himself back from bumping his fist into the air and yelling "HE SAID YES!"

  
He was _not_ doing that.

  
That would be wierd.

  
Right?

  
So they went together to Eliott's apartment. Once they were inside, Lucas took off his scarf and coat and Eliott couldn´t stop staring at the beautiful mess his hair were, until Lucas cocked an eyebrow at him.

  
"What?" he asked and lifted his chin up a little more, exposing his bare neck.

  
Eliott swallowed.

  
"N-nothing!" he blurred out, maybe a little too loudly.

  
Lucas chuckled at that.

  
He fucking _chuckled_ at him.  


"Oh-kay," Lucas looked around with smile on his face and Eliott was glad he wasn´t looking at him right now because he felt the heat in his cheeks as he was blushing and no, he was not ready for Lucas to see him like that. Like a total mess.

  
Oh boy.

  
_What do you do to me._

  
"Well, come in!" he waved at Lucas and leaded him to the living room. They sat on the couch.

  
"Are you hungry?" Eliott asked because, honestly? Eliott was starving and Lucas looked kind of too thin in his burgundy long-sleeve t-shirt.

  
And hella gorgeous.

  
His eyes looked even more blue than ever before.

They ordered pizza.

  
Comfortably sitting on the couch, they talked a little, watching Pirates of Carribean (because who did _not_ love this movie?) and it was all chill and good and nice and amazing.

  
Eliott told Lucas about his parents, because Lucas asked him about this flat.  
Eliott told him his parents were travelers and documentarists and they were never at home. And when they arrived to Paris once or twice a year, they lived in their other apartment 10 minutes away from here. He lived here alone for almost a year. But it was good. He had mostly good relantionship with his parents and it was something he was really thankful for.

  
When Eliott asked Lucas about his family, something ran across Lucas' face and then he asked Eliott about last slice of pizza.

  
Eliott didn´t pressure him. But a small concern sat in his stomach.

  
They somehow shifted closer as they talked and watched the movie, so their arms and thighs were touching and they're quietly watching the tv screen.

  
Eliott's heart was pounding loudly in his chest and he couldn´t bring himself to look at Lucas. He was sure he would lost it, if he saw his face this close to his own.

  
And then

then he felt warm weight on his shoulder.

Lucas fell asleep.

  
Eliott was really scared that this fucking beating of his heart could wake him up.

  
_Relax, for fucksake! Inhale, exhale, chill._

  
Lucas slept with his head on Eliott's shoulder, looking ethereal. Eliott reached out and touched his hand and it was cold, so cold, Eliott grabbed one of his fluffy blankets which were folded next to him on the couch and carefully covered Lucas' body, trying not to move his torso to not wake him up.

  
Then he turned down volume on the tv a little, placed his face into Lucas' hair, just lightly, and closed his eyes.

**LUCAS - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
Lucas winced and woke up, confused and desoriented. When he managed to fell asleep?

  
It was dark in the room, grey curtains were covering the window fully, only light was coming from TV where the menu settings stared at Lucas from the screen.

  
He felt warm body under him and arm around his shoulders. When he looked up he saw Eliott's sleeping face. Stunning. Peaceful. His hair total mess, Lucas just couldn´t help it and before he could stop himself, his hand was reaching up and the ends of his fingertips gently touched that unreal face.

  
_I can´t believe this is my soulmate. Sounds fake. How can someone like me has someone like THAT in his life, predicted by **fate**. Not possible. I can´t be this lucky._

  
Eliott´s eyelids fluttered and his chest raised up as he breathed in deeply.

  
Lucas took his hand back quickly. He lifted himself up to sitting position, blanket fell down from his shoulders and Eliott was there, laying on the couch, sleepily stretching his body, looking adorable.

  
"Lucas?" he questioned before he opened his eyes. His voice hoarse from the sleep and Lucas felt shiver running down his spine.  


"Yeah," Lucas coughed a little as he was sitting on the couch next to Eliott´s laying body, looking down at him. Eliott looked at Lucas, eyes still small from the sleep, like a little half-moons, and he smiled.

  
"Hi," he said and closed his eyes again with that smile still on his lips.

  
Lucas was stunned. Very mildly said. 

  
"Uh, I´m so sorry I fell asleep, I guess I was more tired than I thought," Lucas said, blushing.

  
"Don´t be silly, you apparantely needed it," Eliott sat up properly next to him. "Besides, I don´t mind."

  
Lucas was looking into that face of his soulmate and felt so in peace like never in his life.

  
Since he was little, his first memory ever was his father yelling. Every memory he had, had his father´s mean voice in the background. He was stressed as a little kid, he was stressed as a teenager, he was stressed in the presence too, as 18 year old man.

  
And then, in that moment, nothing of it mattered anymore. He felt good. He felt like he could be himself and noone would have a problem with it. He felt like Eliott might actually want him, like Eliott with his honest smile wasn´t dissapointed with Lucas being his soulmate, after all.

  
So it was clearly natural (at least for Lucas) that his mind decided to back off and run.

  
"I should get going, it´s late," he said then, coughed again and stood up, started looking for his black hoodie.  


"I-I mean... you don´t have to...," Eliott stood up as well and his smile was gone. Lucas found his hoodie and put it on, then he took his coat and bag, slipped in his shoes and went to the door, followed by Eliott. He turned back in the opened door and found Eliott´s eyes.

  
"Thank you. For today," he said softly. "Eliott," his name felt so good on the tip of his tongue. So right.

  
"No need. I... thank you too. It was nice," Eliott smiled. _He truly is a sunshine_, Lucas thought. Always smiling, and his smile shone even brighter than the sun itself.

  
Lucas wanted... He wanted...

  
But no.

  
He won´t.

  
"Yeah," Lucas whispered and then he turned to leave. "Bye, Eliott," he looked over his shoulder and smiled, too. "See you."   
And then he ran down the stairs and then he was on the street and it was bright even when the sky was dark, because it was snowing.

It was fucking _snowing_.

  
Lucas stood there for a while, absolutely in shock. He didn´t see so much snow in years. He didn´t see _snow_ in years. Not in Paris. The pavement was covered by at least 5 centimetres of white fluffy blanket and it was keep falling from the sky, big white balls of snowflakes looking like tufts of cotton.

  
Lucas walked down the street, watching as the snow was popping under his shoes. His old black converse.

  
Fuck.

  
His shoes will be wet very soon.

  
Lucas shivered as the snow fell on his bare neck and melted there. Fuck, he forgot the scarf at Eliott´s.

  
He stopped in his track.

  
_I forgot my scarf._

  
His heart started beating faster and louder and he turned around and almost ran all the way back. Prints of his steps in the snow almost dissapeared meantime, because the snow was falling falling _falling_ densely and Lucas then really ran and he felt the wetness in his shoes and he had to squint his eyes because he didn´t see properly because of the falling snow but he didn´t care, he didn´t fucking care because he forgot his scarf and he really needed it.

  
And maybe

  
just _maybe_

  
it was not the scarf what he forgot.

  
The streets were so quiet and empty and Lucas ran that he almost fell down couple times because really, those shoes were not good for this weather and when he was about 10 metres from the Eliott´s front door, he suddenly stopped.

  
Because there, standing in the open front door, in blue ripped jeans and black hoodie, with Lucas´ scarf in one hand, there was Eliott.  


_There was Eliott._

**ELIOTT - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
Lucas slept and then Eliott fell asleep too and then Lucas almost fell from his shoulder and then Eliott pulled him closer on his chest, gently, carefully lied down, then he fixed the blanket around his boy, then he wrapped his arms around Lucas´ shoulders and then he fell asleep again feeling absolutely blessed.  


He felt as Lucas winced in his arms, but Eliott was half in deep sleep, not able to fully wake up, not yet. Then he felt soft touches on his face, but before he could make it to open his eyes and perceive his surroundings, the touch was gone and Lucas was sitting there, looking at him with those blue eyes of his and Eliott could swear he never saw something more breathtaking than sleepy Lucas.

  
Until now.

  
Because Lucas was standing right in front of him, breathing heavily, wearing all black, such a contrast with all the white all around them, his pants and shoes were covered by snow, his coat unbuttoned, snow in his messy and slightly wet hair, cheeks and nose pink.

  
He looks out of this world.

  
"What are you doing here?" Lucas asked Eliott breathlessly and totally out of place, because, after all, it was Eliott's apartment in front of they're standing.

  
Yeah, well, but good question.

  
Eliott was watching Lucas´ sleepy face on his couch and Lucas was looking back at him and Eliott really wanted to kiss him.

He was ready to do that... and then?

Lucas was?

Gone?

Again?

  
And Eliott was standing in empty flat behind the closed door and it didn't feel right. It was just all _wrong_.

  
Why was Lucas always running away from him?

  
He was marching here and there around his living room, biting his nails, his heart racing like crazy and then he noticed the scarf under the chair, where Lucas put his stuff before.

  
He grabbed it and jumped to the window, took the curtains away and looked on the street, only to see nothing but snow.

  
_Fuck, it's snowing and Lucas doesn't have his scarf,_ Eliott thought.

  
And maybe

  
just _maybe_

  
this wasn't the right thing Eliott was worried about.

  
Anyways, he ran down the stairs and there he was, Lucas, looking ethereal, puffs of breath escaping his lips.

  
"You...," Eliott said as he remembered Lucas' question. "You forgot your scarf," it came out weakly and Eliott lifted his hand to show him the scarf as a proof.

  
They came closer, Eliott put the scarf around Lucas' neck, still holding its ends between his fingers. 

  
"What are you doing here?" Eliott asked then.

  
"I forgot something," Lucas whispered, looking Eliott in the eyes.

  
"Your scarf?" Eliott whispered back.

  
Lucas shook his head.

  
And

seriously

fuck it.

  
Eliott pulled Lucas closer by the scarf he was still holding and their lips met and then they're kissing and Lucas´ lips are cold and his breath hot and then Eliott cupped his face and his cheeks were so cold, too cold and Eliott was burning inside.  


Lucas' hands were holding Eliott's forearm tightly as he was pulling himself closer, closer to Eliott, closer to his lips and Eliott might been losing his mind because here they were, here they were, two soulmates, they found each other and Eliott was happy, he was so freaking _happy_.

  
Then he was smiling into the kiss and he felt Lucas' lips smiling too so he pulled away a little to look at that angelic face again.

  
Lucas had closed eyes and smile on his lips, head tilted back facing Eliott and the sky and snowflakes were falling on his face, catching in his long long long eyelashes and he looked like he might fell from heaven, too.

  
And when he opened his eyes, blinked couple times as snow was falling on his eyelids and looked at Eliott's lips, Eliott kissed him again, because he wanted to, because he could, because he needed to.

  
And it was _perfect_.

**LUCAS - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
There, under the falling snow, Lucas, for the first time in his life, let himself fall, too.

**LUCAS - 2 DAYS AGO**

  
"I miss you so fucking much," he whispered and then his eyes betrayed him and tears started falling down.

  
"I miss you too, baby, please don't cry," said Eliott softly. "Please don't cry when I'm not there to hug you," in Eliott's eyes appeared tears too now and Lucas tried to calm himself down.  


"No, I'm sorry, I'm okay, I don't know why am I crying now, we'll see each other in 3 days," he laughed a little but even to his own ears it sounded fake. He brushed the tears away from his cheeks and chin and looked at his phone again, back to Eliott's face on the screen. They were facetiming almost every day and just thanks to this was Lucas surviving.  
Kind of.

  
"I understand. It's so hard," Eliott sighed. "Harder than I thought. And England is cold. It's too cold without you, love."

  
"You're never too cold. I am the one who is always cold," Lucas shook his head, small smile on his lips. "And it's May. Summer is starting like in a few days or something."

  
"Technically, start of summer is not the first day of June, but the 20th of June, Lucas, so-"

  
"Blah blah blah, come here and say that right into my face," Lucas sticked out his tongue at him.

  
"Oh god I miss your tongue," Eliott whined and covered his face with his hands. Lucas laughed, little shaky. "I miss your face so much, I miss your hair between my fingers. I miss your hands. Jesus I miss your curious wonderful hands so much!"

  
"Eliott," Lucas whispered and felt the tears again.

  
"I miss your sparkling eyes," Eliott continued. "You know, I'm here, talking to strangers every day, people from all around the world, and noone, I repeat, noone has as beautiful eyes as you have. Not even half so pretty. Their eyes are so empty and pale.... And yours.. Full of life and light and love and-"

  
Lucas sniffled and sob escaped his lips.

  
"Babyyy I'm sorry, don't cry!" Eliott brought his phone closer to his face.

  
"I love you," Lucas said and then he lied down on their bed - too cold without Eliott next to him - covering himself with duvets.

  
"I love you more," Eliott responded.

  
"Impossible," whispered Lucas.

  
...

  
Next morning Lucas goes to his 10:30 class. He has only 2 classes that day and after them he goes to work.

  
When suddenly, strong pain passes through his head.

  
Then it stops for a moment and then another wave of pain, bigger and stronger and this time it didn´t go away.

  
Lucas keeps himself busy all May. He has classes on uni, of course, and exams (a lot) but he also takes as much shifts in restaurant kitchen as possible to keep himself busy from thinking about how much he misses Eliott.

  
Then this pain appears, almost pulls him down to the ground. He catches the counter and shuts his eyes tightly.

  
_What's happening..._

  
"Hey, Lucas, you alright?" chef asks and Lucas shakes his head.

  
"My head hurts like hell," he hisses through clenched teeth.

  
"You working too much, I told you before. Go get some fresh air, now," chef says and Lucas goes.

  
He makes it to the back door and when he's outside of the building in the back, he leans to the wall and then he slides down, eyes shutted, holding his head, pressing hardly.

  
Then, pain appears in his ringfinger, too.

  
_What the fuck._

  
He looks at his soulmark and Eliott's name is paler. He stares at it with wide eyes, blinking franatically because he can´t see over the tears. He´s rubbing his right fist over it, over the name, again and again, but it's still the same, pale small name on his left ringfinger.

  
_What is happening?_

_Where is Eliott?_

_Something happend to Eliott._

  
His hands are shaking so hard.

  
He's not able to think clearly, in his head is only Eliott Eliott Eliott Eliott Eliott...

  
He's there, sitting on the ground, back pressed to the wall behind him, curled into himself, trying to pull out his phone because he has to call Eliott, he has to be sure his boyfriend is okay, but his hands are shaking so hard he can't find his name in contacts-

  
and then

his phone rings.

  
Lucas picks it up without looking who's calling. But then he can't say anything. He opens his mouth and nothing comes out. Words stay stucked in his throat. 

  
If he only knew what to expect...

  
"Lucas?" woman voice says, "Lucas Lallemant?"

  
"Yes?" he says finally in choked up strange voice.

  
"Hi, it's Lucille, Eliott's supervisor," the lady says and Lucas blatantly remembers they talked once in April before Eliott left.

  
"Lucas? Are you there?" she asks again, "I'm sorry, am I calling right number? Are you Lucas Lallemant, Eliott Demaury's soulmate? His boyfriend?"

  
"Yes, i-it's me," Lucas whispers.

  
"Okay," she continues. "Lucas, I... I really don't know how to say it, I would like to do that in person, but I can't leave England right now."  


Lucas can't breathe. He can't fucking breathe. His heart is painfully pounding and his head hurts so fucking much.

  
He can't say a word, he just stares at Eliott's name on his finger.

  
"This morning, the group of terorists attacked the Cambridge university. They had weapons and ammunition and one bigger bomb and half of the main building is completely gone, in dust. They...," Lucille takes a deep breath and Lucas' heart stops. "They were shooting on students. Before British army and task force arrived, they already killed dozens of people and..."

  
No.  
_No no no no no._  


NO!  
DON'T SAY IT DON'T SAY IT DON'T SAY IT DON'T SAY-

  
"Eliott is dead," she says quietly, but firmly. Like there is no doubt about it. Like Lucas should just take it, just like that.

  
Like he ever could. 

  
"He's dead," she said again, this time louder. "He's dead, I'm sure you can feel it yourself."

  
She probably fucking means the fucking killing pain in his whole fucking body.

  
"Hey, are you listening to me?" she questions.

  
And then: "Sooner you accept it the better for you. You can move on faster then, after you just admit it to yourself, you know? Trust me."

  
And then: "Lucas, can you hear me?"

  
And then: "Lucas."

  
And then: "Eliott is dead."

  
And Lucas

Lucas is _gone_.


	2. Not too late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliott is quiet for a very long time and when Lucas finally dares to look up and meet his eyes, Eliott´s looking at him with soft and sad eyes.  
"What are you afraid of?" he asks softly, so softly, that Lucas almost starts crying.  
Lucas shakes his head, he can´t talk right now or he will cry. He takes a shaky breath.  
"Come here, love," says Eliott and pulls him closer, presses him to his chest, Lucas´ head between Eliott´s neck and shoulder, inhales deeply. "You know I´m here," Eliott whispers, gently stroking his cheek with his thumb.  
"You´re not alone," says Eliott. "You´re not alone, anymore. You don´t have to be afraid."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is here, so, I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Thank you so much for your kudos and every sigle reaction on chapter 1, THANK YOU <3
> 
> I put it here again, because is important even more:  
TW: mention of death; panic attack; anxiety; violence; suicidal thoughts; suicide; therorist attack

  
**LUCAS - NOW**

  
Lucas is in shock.

  
He has no idea how he got home, but here he is: curled in the corner of his and Eliott's kitchen, staring into the emptiness, in his head just _Eliott Eliott Eliott Eliott Eliott..._

  
"Come back to me, love," he whispers without aknowledging that.

  
He doesn't know how long he's already been there like this. He doesn't realize if it´s day or night, if it's light or dark outside, he's just there, curled into small shaking ball, tears falling and falling and he's there, not seeing anything, not hearing anything.   
He's shaking, hard. He's shaking so much, that it sends his whole body into spasm, it hurts so bad, but Lucas doesn't care. He doesn't care about anything. He can´t.

  
Then  
  
he realizes  
  
he didn't call Eliott.  


(He was shocked by Lucille's phonecall, he passed out, then the chef found him, woke him up, told Yann - one of the waiters - to take him home, and since then Lucas didn't stop crying.  
He sits there for hours and it could be minutes or years, he couldn't care less.  
But Lucas doesn't remember anything of this.)

  
His pulse speeds up as he´s looking for his phone, searching in his pockets with trembling fingers.  
_I just have to call him._  
_He'll pick it up and everything's gonna be okay. He's okay. We're okay._

  
It takes him few tries to finally click on the right contact and then he presses his phone hardly to his ear and doesn't even breathe, as he waits.

  
2 seconds.  


Then the voice starts talking to his ear.

  
Not Eliott's.

  
_"The number you are calling doesn't exist."_

  
_What?_

  
Again.

  
_"The number you are calling doesn't exist."_  


No.

  
_No._

  
_What's happening?_

  
He calls again. And again. And again. And _again_. Every time with the same results.

  
"No no no no no it's not true not true, Eliott Eliott Eliott please pick it up, come on, Eliott," he cries and his fingers dial the number on their own, because of course Lucas knows Eliott's number.

  
He knows _everything_ about Eliott.

  
And he knows, he _knows_ that Eliott wouldn't leave him here, alone, like this, he would never. Lucas just _knows that._

  
Then why is he so scared this time?

  
He dials the number on his own because these smart phones are so shitty anyway, they are _wrong_. It's a mistake. It's just very bad awful joke on him from the universe.

  
He dials the number, looks at it for a few seconds to check it if it's written correctly and then he presses the button.  


_"The number you are calling doesn't exist."_  


"NO!" Lucas can't breathe. He can't breathe. Everything is blurry, he calls again and again and again and nothing.   
_Nothing_.

  
_"They had weapons and ammunition and one bigger bomb and half of the main building is completely gone, in dust,"_ echoes Lucille's voice in his head.

  
In _dust_.

  
"No, no, Eliott!" Lucas chokes out because his throat apparantely doesn't exist either, he can't fucking breathe.

  
Lucas takes his phone and throws it against the wall with all his power, it smashes into pieces on the floor.  


Then he goes and grabs everything he sees and throws is away. He smashes all their plates. Glasses, mugs, vase with dried roses (Lucas gave them to Eliott at their six months anniversary and Eliott was sad they should die, so he let them dried so then he could have them forever - well, not anymore), little frames with their photos, _everything_. Everything what could have been broken ends in pieces.   
Then, when Lucas doesn´t find anything to break, he hits his fist against the white wall, and again, and again, until he falls on his knees to the ground, full of broken glass and other things, complete mess.

  
Then he suddenly stops breathing so abruptly, because he just crosses the line and gets numb.

**ELIOTT - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
They´re dating over a month now. Specifically 39 days and yes, Eliott counts it. He´s counting every single minute. He´s happy. He´s so fucking _happy_ and he loves Lucas, he really loves him.  
He _knows_ him. He realized he knew him before, from midnight talks he used to have with the name on his ringfinger. Because he felt him. He felt him before they even met. He felt what Lucas felt and he was so connected to him that the thought about saying_ I love you, Lucas_ wasn´t so wierd and scary after all. So yeah, maybe it´s a little fast in their relantionship, but they are literal _soulmates_.

What could go wrong?

  
So today, Eliott picks Lucas up after his last class and they went together.

  
Eliott realizes just in that moment, as his hand holds Lucas´ tightly, that he never saw where his soulmate lives. They were at Eliott´s all the time when they hang out. And it wasn´t very often, Lucas was still in work. It´s miracle than he has free afternoon today.

  
"Hey," Eliott says and kisses the back of Lucas' hand. His eyes meet with blue ones.

  
"What," Lucas responds with small smile.

  
"Could we go to your place today?"  


"Why?" Lucas asks after a minute.

  
"I´ve never been there, I would like to know where my boyfriend lives," Eliott smiles, but something heavy sits in his stomach when he saw the expression on Lucas´ face. He was suddenly quiet and his face looks paler.  


And Eliott gets worried.

**LUCAS - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
Lucas doesn't give a single fuck about what other people think about him. Been there, done that. And he was so sick of it, that he just simply... Made himself stop.

  
When he was 15 and his soulmark showed up, his mother died few days after. So he really didn't pay much attention to it, nor giving too much effort to find his soulmate. Basically no effort at all.   


Year later his father sold their house and moved in with his not-so-new girlfriend to a very new fancy house. Lucas lived in the flatshare since then.

  
He was 16.

  
His father told him that he will keep sending him money for rent until Lucas will be 18, because then he'll be an adult and he should be able to find himself a job and take care of his life by himself.

  
What Lucas didn't expect was his father cutting him off whole year earlier.

  
On his 17th birthday he recieved the text message "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" from his father. He was staring at it for long time because his father never gave any fucks about his son's birthday and this was just... suspicious. 

  
Few days later, when the monthly payment for rent didn't come, he texted his father, asking about what happened with his money.

  
_Not delivered._

  
Red words staring at him from his phone screen.

  
He had his worst panic attack back then, alone in his room which wasn't his anymore in the next 2 weeks.

  
He went and found himself a job. He made a deal in this restaurant: he's doing there everything they need. Dishes, cleaning tables and wiping floor, also helping in the kitchen - and he loves this last thing, because he became a great cook and the chef loves him (he always gives Lucas leftovers from restaurant, so Lucas doesn't have to care about dinner, like, ever. Bless this man.).  


See, he goes to school, after school he runs to work, where he's working till closing - Lucas does that too - and then he goes home. He had to move out from the flat and find a new place for living, something cheeper. So now he lives in the dorm room near college campus. He lied about his age and owner really didn't even care.  


He had no free time. It was only school, work, few hours of sleep, repeat. He lost all his friends. Firstly because he distanced himself when his mother died, secondly because he had to go to work. Every day. Because he really needs money. He needs money to keep himself alive and to keep that small place which became his home for over a year now.   
His friends got mad at him when he had no time for them for any friday evening party and actually never. He had to go to work. And when he had a day off, he was trying to catch up on his stuff for school.

  
Or he passed out from exhaustion.  


So they stopped trying, his friends. They stopped talking to him and now they are just classmates, saying "hi" when they cross their ways with him and that's all.

  
See, Lucas doesn't give a single fuck about what other people think about him. He had nobody this important in his life.

  
Until now.

  
Until _Eliott_.

  
So yeah, when Eliott asked about going to Lucas' place, sure, they can go there, but yeah, he was slightly nervous what Eliott will think about him after he'll see, that his soulmate lives in one dorm room and he doesn´t even have his own bathroom (there were two shared bathrooms down the corridor on his fourth floor).

  
What if he won't want him anymore?

  
Lucas has noone. He can't lose Eliott, too.

**ELIOTT - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
Eliott is confused.

  
They´re standing at the front door of one very old building and Lucas pulls out the keys, doesn´t look at Eliott for a while now.

  
He leads him up the stairs and then down through the corridor.

  
"Here is the bathroom if you´d need," says Lucas quietly and waves to one door on the right side. Then they stop and Lucas unlocks the door, goes inside and Eliott follows him.

  
It´s one not-so-big room. In one corner is small kitchen counter and table with one chair. In another corner is wardrobe, in another is single-bed and then there´s small couch, in the last corner of that room.

  
It looks so sad and cold, too cold for Lucas.  


"Sit down wherever you want," says Lucas and takes off his scarf and coat.

  
Eliott does the same and sits on the couch.

  
"Do you want some tea?" Lucas asks and goes to that kitchen corner, pulls out two mugs and box of tea. "I have only green tea. Is that okay?" he said as he pours the water into the kettle.

  
"Yes, of course, I would like to drink green tea," Eliott says and tries to be normal, tries not to overhelm Lucas with those billion questions what appeared in his head almost immediately.

  
_Why do you live HERE?_  
_Where are your parents?_  
_Are you not afraid here, all alone?_  
_Why didn´t you tell me sooner?_  
_Why are you never talk about your life?_  
_Why are you not trust me?_

  
He bites his tongue to not let anything slips out, all in one second.

  
Lucas makes the tea and as he settles both mugs on the small table next to the sofa, he sits down on couch next to Eliott, but it´s not close enough, Eliott thinks and he grabs Lucas by his waist and pulls him closer.

  
Lucas still doesn´t meet Eliott´s eyes with his own. So Eliott uses his hand to turn Lucas´ face to him.  


"Hey," he whispers and Lucas looks at his lips, then back up to his eyes, then again to his lips and okay, Eliott is not evil, he does whatever Lucas wants, so he just closes the distance and kisses him, and Lucas´ one hand goes immediately to Eliott´s hair, the other one is placed on his thigh and Eliott gasps into his mouth because _fuck_.

  
Then they're kissing deeper and deeper and Eliott´s pulling Lucas closer and closer and then suddenly Lucas is sitting on Eliott´s lap, they´re face to face, chest to chest, Lucas´ knees are next Eliott´s thighs. Eliott´s hands are under Lucas´ hoodie and shirt, stroking his bare skin gently and Lucas´ hands seem to be _everywhere_.

  
After what feels like ages and only seconds in the same time, they need to breathe and Eliott starts kissing Lucas´ neck, right after they lips parted, because he never has enough, okay? He needs Lucas and he needs him now and tomorrow and every minute and all the time.

  
"Lucas...," he sighs as he feels Lucas´ hands on his chest.

  
"Mhmm...," says Lucas, not really focused, eyes closed.

  
"Lucas," says Eliott again, pulls away and smiles when Lucas groans.

  
"What," responds Lucas, cute pout on his lips.

  
"Why are you living here?" Eliott asks and then almost throws himself out of the window because _what the fuck_

he didn´t mean to say _that_.

  
He totally forgot what he wanted to say. And now Lucas takes his hands off of Eliott´s chest and pushes himself away, but Eliott doesn´t let him go and takes his hands into his own, playing with his fingers - Lucas likes it, Eliott noticed before.

  
"Uh...," Lucas looks down, on their hands between them and takes a deep breath. "My mom died when I was fifteen," he starts and Eliott

Eliott thinks

_well done idiot, well done._  


Fuck.

  
"Oh, Lucas," he whispers and tries to pull Lucas closer to hug him.

  
"No, no," says Lucas and stays there, on Eliott´s lap but he keeps his distance. "No it´s... It is what it is, right," he says and Eliott hears his weak voice and sees tears in his eyes. "No, just, my dad didn´t want me in his life so I lived in flatshare, with three roommates. It was good, but then my father cut me off and I didn´t have money to pay the rent," Lucas explains, rubbing his eyes with his right hand. Eliott holds his left one, drawing invisible rings to his palm.

  
"I had to move out but I had nowhere to go and here - it´s cheap so I can afford it with the salary I recieve in restaurant. And noone asked me about my ID, when I was here a year ago, not adult, yet. So I lied I was eighteen and they let me stay," he shrugs, looking down, maybe a little guilty.

  
"Hey," says Eliott. "Hey, Lucas," Lucas nothing. "Hey, sweetheart," Eliott smiles when Lucas blinks up at him. "I´m so sorry. I´m sorry to hear that, sorry that I didn´t find you sooner to be there for you, when you needed it."

  
Lucas shakes his head.

  
"No, it´s oka-"

  
"No, it´s not. But I want to let you know, that I am here now and I´m not going anywhere, okay?" says Eliott, looking Lucas right into his so big and so blue eyes with all his honesty. He means it.

  
Lucas smiles.

  
"Okay," he says, rests his forehead against Eliott´s.

  
"Okay," says Eliott, strokes his soft cheeks and closes his eyes.

  
....

  
Eliott couldn´t really find a worse moment to say that, but when he was there, with his soulmate, absolutely freaking amazing soulmate, sitting on his lap, he couldn´t hold it anymore.

  
"Move in with me," Eliott blurs out.

  
Lucas stares at him, probably trying to find out if he´s joking. Eliott is dead serious. "W-what?"

  
"Move into my place," he says. To me, he thinks.  


Because it´s exactly what he wants.

**LUCAS - 2 YEARS AGO**  


"Move in with me," says Eliott.

  
And Lucas thinks

  
_What the hell is happening..._

  
"But...I... W-we met like... month ago, Eliott," he says then.  


"What´s the matter?"  


"What´s the- Eliott! Isn´t it like... too soon for that?"

  
"Too soon? Too soon for what?" Eliott asks with confused expression. He´s playing with Lucas´ fingers, especially with his left ringfinger. Lucas can´t even explain how good that feels.

  
"Don´t we should like... I don´t know, maybe get to know each other properly, before we take step as big as this?" Lucas is trying to rationalize, but he wants that too, he wants that so much, seeing Eliott every morning after waking up and sleep in his embrace every night, he wants that, too.   
But he´s scared. If Eliott is doing that from pity about Lucas´ miserable life, he doesn´t want that.   
At all.

  
"We know each other," arguments Eliott.

  
"No, we clearly don´t," Lucas responds.

  
"Yes, we do! I´m Eliott and you´re gorgeous."

  
"Eliott!" Lucas laughs and looks down with slight blush. "No, I´m not, stop it."   
He covers his face with his hands.  


"Yes, you are and don´t you dare hiding your stunning face from me," says Eliott half seriously and takes his hands away.  


Lucas looks up at him and feels little poke in his chest. He met Eliott month ago and he´s completely in love with him.

  
Eliott´s still holding his hands, caresses them like it´s the most precious thing in the world.

  
"So?" he asks then.

  
"So what?" Lucas frowns, distracted by the light bronze, almost gold trickles of Eliott´s hair falling on his forehead.

  
"Will you move in with me?"  


And Lucas is scared. He´s scared that Eliott will get annoyed by him, if they would live together. He´s scared, that one day he´ll do something odd or just completely wrong and Eliott will kick him out.

  
You can tell what you want, Lucas is scared, because, again, he has literally _noone_. And now he has Eliott, which seems like miracle to him. _Eliott_. The light of his life. He doesn´t want to lose him.  


He won´t lose him.  


"We don´t know each other, yet," he says weakly. "There´s so many things we don´t know about each other."  


Eliott is quiet for a very long time and when Lucas finally dares to look up and meet his eyes, Eliott´s looking at him with soft and sad eyes.

  
"What are you afraid of?" he asks softly, so softly, that Lucas almost starts crying.

  
Lucas shakes his head, he can´t talk right now or he will cry. He takes a shaky breath.  


"Come here, love," says Eliott and pulls him closer, presses him to his chest, Lucas´ head between Eliott´s neck and shoulder, inhales deeply. "You know I´m here," Eliott whispers, gently stroking his cheek with his thumb.  


"You´re not alone," says Eliott. "You´re not alone, anymore. You don´t have to be afraid."

**ELIOTT - 2 DAYS AGO**  


Eliott is one very lucky human being.

  
He never had a broken bone, he was never sick with anything more serious than a flu.

  
His biggest injury happend one time year ago, when he and Lucas were at someone's party and Eliott accidentaly got involved into a fight.  
  
He just stood there, on the big terasse near the stairs leading to front door when someone bumped to him without warning, then the fist crashed to his chin and he fell down from 4 stairs, his wrist under his body.

His luck showed up that time again, because he had only a little splitted bottom lip and almost invisible bruise on his chin. And yes, impacted wrist, the left one, so he still could draw and write and everything.

Lucas, on the other side... Eliott is sure Lucas definitely made some sick contract with God about all Eliott's bad luck goes straight on Lucas' head.

When Lucas made himself sure that Eliott was okay after the fall, he looked at those guys who did it, didn't care about their apologies that_ it was fucking accident_ and Eliott just _shouldn't be there_ and they are _so fucking sorry._.. Lucas didn't care. He jumped at that (much bigger, older and taller) boy with anger in his eyes and ended up with broken nose and big blue and purple bruise around his right eye.

You can imagine how wierd looks they were getting from people when they walked through the street hand in hand, both bruised and injured.

  
Anyways.

  
That one day in the end of May, Eliott's luck seemed to take a break.

  
...

  
After his facetime with Lucas, he couldn't sleep.

  
He was looking at Lucas' face on the small phone screen and he wanted to cry from frustration, he hated not to be able to touch his boyfriend's precious features. He was watching sleeping Lucas, his eyelashes, his cheekbones, his parted lips, his peaceful expression, dark circles under his eyes much more prominent than from the time before Eliott's leaving, almost month ago.

  
He took a screenshot of that angelic face and then he was looking at him until his phone battery died.  


Tomorrow is his last day at school. The day after, he'll see Lucas. He can do it. They can do it. Two nights and they'll see each other again.

  
.....

  
Next day he goes to school, trying to appreciate everything there. It's Cambridge, for godsake! It's beautiful here. Eliott always loved architecture. He usually walks through the city, taking pictures of random buildings just because he thinks they look pretty and interesting.

  
So as he walks across the yard and then through the corridor, he looks at everything around him, takes a few more pictures on polaroid and shove them into his jacket pocket.

  
(Lucas gave him that polaroid.  
To "make memories."

"Babe, you´re going to fucking Cambridge! You have to make memories!"

"But, love, you shouldn't buy me such an expensive thing! I can make memories with my phone!"

"Pffft...," Lucas shook his head. "No. Technic things. No. Can failed. You´re gonna go and take real pictures. Never dissapoint."

Eliott was looking at him, saw the adorable frown between his boy's eyebrows that he had to kiss. And then his nose, left cheek, right cheek, the corner of his lips, his chin.

"I love you so fucking much," said Eliott against his lips.

"I lo-," Lucas couldn't say anything more before Eliott's lips took those words away.)

  
He was sitting in class, his favourite proffesor was joking around and made everyone laugh, but Eliott's mind was elsewhere.  


He pulls out his phone, finds that pic of sleeping Lucas he made yesterday night, puts it on the desk in front of him, rests his chin on palms, and he´s just looking at it.

  
His mind is elsewhere. His mind is in Paris, in one special flat on the fourth floor. That flat became special with Lucas' moving in. That flat became a _home_ after that. That flat became safe place after that.

  
Lucas is his safe place.

  
Lucas is his home.  


Oh god, how much he misses him.

  
His mind is elsewhere and maybe because of that it surprises him much more than others in the room, if that's even possible.

  
The explosion.

  
Loud boom echoes whole building.

  
People were falling down from chairs, yelling and screaming and after few confused moments they start running and Eliott is deaf for a while, only ringing in his ears, his head spinning. He is on the floor too, now, doesn't know how that happened.

  
Then he hears the shooting.  


He smells smoke and dust gets into his throat and he has to cough, can't breathe properly, he is dizzy and scared.  


He's so fucking _scared_.

  
He has to run.   
His legs immediatelly turn into jelly with that thought. But he has to. He has to _run_.

  
Otherwise he'll die here today.  


Apparantely.

  
Because he doesn't know what the fuck is happening.

  
And if he'll die, he won't see Lucas tomorrow.

  
Yeah, that's not gonna fucking happen.

  
There's a smoke everywhere, he has to stay low. He tries to remember at least something he learned at elementary school about surviving in situation like this, but almost nothing comes to his mind, mostly because he doesn't know what this situation is, what the hell is happening. He's shaking and he's scared, he's scared like never. All he can see is Lucas' face in his head, Lucas' face, _Lucas' face._  


Fuck.  


He manages to get to the door and out of his classroom. The corridor is a mess. People running and running from everywhere to anywhere, absolut panic all around him, and Eliott doesn't know what to do what to do _what to do._

  
His heart is beating so fast in his chest it almost hurts, it's difficult to breathe and not only because of that smoke he can't see through.  


This is hell.  


Then he remembers where the emergency exit is and starts running. He's almost there, he's just about to take by the handle when the deaffing boom sends him to the ground.

  
Eliott turns around, looks back and sees big hole on the place where the classroom was only seconds ago.

  
His classroom.

  
Big hole and flames, flames everywhere.  


Then the darkness devours him and he feels nothing.

**ELIOTT - NOW**

  
Eliott opens his eyes to bright white light.  


_Fuck, am I dead?_

  
But with the fact that everything hurts so badly, this can't be afterlife.

  
He tries to see through his dizziness and tired eyes and he's dezoriented, doesn't know where he is and why his body hurts so much.  


"Eliott, thank god!" familiar voice next to him, warm hand on his shoulder.

  
He turns his head to see Idriss' relieved face.

  
"What the fuck happened?" Eliott asks and coughs, his voice raspy from all that smoke he breathed in, just few hours ago. The fog in his head is slowly fading away.  


He's apparantely in hospital, small empty room, just the bed he's lying on in his clothes from this morning, black ripped jeans, black shirt and dark grey denim jacket, all dirty and smelling like smoke.

  
"Therorist attack at school. Half of the main building is completely gone, they had bombs and guns and they were shooting at people...," Idriss voice is sad and shaky, his face falls with those words.

  
"Fuck," Eliott breathes, his hands starts shaking when he realizes what could have happend. What he survived. That he could be dead. And when he stretches his whole body, he feels nothing, not a single injury. He has square gaze on his forehead, and that´s all.   
He's okay. Just this whole body pain like when he´d have a flu and he feels really weak, but according to circumstances, he was lucky.   
He was fucking _lucky_.  


See?

  
Eliott is very lucky human being.  


"Where were you?" he questions Idriss. "Are you okay?"

  
"Yeah, I was on excursion in the new university campus with my class and two others. It's something around half a mile away from main building, where you were. Where the... The attack was directed."  


Eliott relaxes a little. "Good," he says, "good."

  
"I was so scared Eliott, when I saw that, when we heard the noise and realized what's happening. I was scared that I... That I never see you again," Idriss' voice shakes and he scratches his forehead. "Then, when the Task Force and army did their thing, apparantely, because I couldn't go close because they didn't fucking let us," he clenches his jaw, "I ran to the hospital, looking for you, and I found you, sleeping on the corridor, on this hospital bed, totally okay except your head... but, small injury, right?" Eliott nods.

  
Idriss sighs, shakes his head and doesn't say anything more for a while.

  
Then: "I'll bring you some water," he pats Eliott's hand, stands up and leaves the room.

  
Eliott stands up as well, slowly, stretching his body, walks around the room and looks from the window. It´s almost dark outside.

He saw people rushing inside to hospital, inside but nobody's going out. Eliott tries not to imagine how many people was killed today, how many people lost their love ones.

  
That's when the Lucas' face shows up in his mind again.  


That's when the throbbing pain in his head starts.

**ELIOTT - 5 YEARS AGO**

  
Shortly after Eliott's 15th birthday (like, literally, few weeks after), the headache started torturing him.

  
His parents took him to many doctors, he went through many many neurologic tests, and they found absolutely nothing. (Maybe just the fact that Eliott was over-average intelligent talented boy with huge fantasy.)

  
Then his parents took him to therapist. After first meeting, Niels - the therapist - looked at him and said:

  
"Eliott, listen to me. Nothing is wrong with your head, okay? I think it's the opposite."

  
"What? But I feel like something isn't right. I feel like something is really wrong," Eliott said.

  
Niels smiled at him.

  
"I think it means that everything is right, everything is how it supposes to be," he said and Eliott was so confused, like, what the hell that means? But Niels continued. "I had it too, headaches, really torturing pain in my head, it was awful. And I hated it. And I didn't know what that means, because I was totally okay, healthy, literally zero problems. And then..."

  
Niels smiled, looked at Eliott with new light in his eyes.

  
"Then I found my soulmate. And I learned that he had those headaches too. And we figured it out together."

  
"What exactly?"

  
"We figured out it's our connection," said Niels and Eliott stared at him with wide eyes and open mouth.

  
_Connection_. He and Lucas - his soulmate, according to the name on his finger - are connected and that's why he had those headaches?

  
"B-but why the pain? What's that suppose to mean?" he whispered.

  
"Well, David - my husband," Niels smiled softly with that name, "was going through really hard time back then, he was... depressed and he really suffered. And, well, me... few years later, my best friend died," Niels looked down and was quiet for a minute.

  
Then he said: "My soulmate felt that too."

  
"So, something is wrong with my soulmate?" Eliott asked.

  
"Possibly," Niels shrugged. "They could have hard time, currently."

  
"What should I do?" he was not happy at all with that information. How could he help Lucas, when they didn't meet each other yet? And the imagine of his soulmate suffering, it was just awful.  


"Try to talk to them, maybe. Make them sure that you're here and they are not alone in this."

  
_What?_

  
"How can I talk to him when I didn't meet him yet?"  


Niels just smiled.

  
"Try it."

  
....  


So yeah, Eliott went home, didn't really focus, lost in thoughts.

  
When he lied in his bed that evening, staring at his soulmark, he just said himself:_ fuck it._

  
"Hey, Lucas," he whispered in the darkness and felt like a fool.

  
But, whatever, he won't stop now.

  
"I-I don't really know if you can hear me, but...," he took a deep breath. "But I wanted to let you know that... that I am here and I can't wait to meet you."

  
He smiled then and ran his right index over the name, the beautiful name on his left ringfinger.

  
"What can we know, maybe you´ll just fall into my arms, one day," he laughed quietly with that picture in his head. "I would love that."

  
When he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer, he whispered: "You are not alone."

and fell asleep imagining Lucas falling down and Eliott, standing there, ready to catch him, every single time.

**LUCAS - 5 YEARS AGO**

  
In the other end of Paris, 15 years old Lucas, laying in his bed, crying over his mom into the pillow, for the first time in years, felt less alone.

**ELIOTT - 2 MONTH AGO**

  
"Eliott, that's amazing! I'm so proud of you!" Lucas is hugging him and whispering this to his ear.  


Eliott couldn't love this boy more.  


"Really?" he asks with shy voice. Lucas pulls out, just a little to look him in the eyes. The pride in his blue ones was skystouching. Eliott feels tears creating in his own.

  
"Yes! They chose you from thousand people-"

  
"Five hundred, actually."  


"That's not the fucking point, they chose you and that is truly wonderful. You are wonderful."

  
Eliott brings his forehead to Lucas' and closes his eyes with wide grin. He feels Lucas´ hands on his face, stroking his cheeks and he turns his head to kiss his palm.

  
"I love you," Eliott whispers. "I love you so fucking much."  


"I love you more," says Lucas.

  
"Impossible," he wants to say but the end of the word is cought by Lucas´ lips.

  
The thing is, Eliott was chosen from five hundread of art students (543 to be specific but who counts it, anyways) to this very fancy art program in Cambridge.

Yes.

In fucking _Cambridge_.

In England.

  
He found out today in school and he ran home as fast as never to tell Lucas about it. He totally forgot he has another two classes that day.

  
"Let me cook a dinner for you," Lucas kisses his cheek and goes to the kitchen counter. "My boyfriend is the best artist in the world!" he calls loudly and Eliott chuckles.

  
"Hardly. They chose Idriss too, you know," he sits behind the kitchen island on one of the bar chairs, watching his boyfriend cooking.

  
"Yeah, but Idriss is not an art student. You are. The best of all!" Lucas' face literally glowing, smile wide, eyes sparkling.  


Eliott thinks his heart might explode with the sight of such a beauty.

  
"I mean, there will be dozens of others from all around the world. I'm probably very average," he shrugs with one shoulder.

  
Lucas stops in chopping vegetable and looks at him, smile dissapears. Then he goes to Eliott and cups his face.

  
"Don't do it. Stop make it smaller than it really is. It's huge thing, Eliott! Big ass success," Eliott laughs at that.  


"Big ass success," he repeats with amused smile.

  
"Yes," Lucas says. Eliott pulls Lucas between his legs by his waist. Now, when Eliott is sitting on that chair, they are almost same height.

  
"We won't see each other for whole month," says Eliott quietly with sad eyes. It's 31 days. It's too many days without Lucas. He can't imagine that. He misses Lucas every single minute they aren't together.

  
"I mean, it's not a year, right?" says Lucas with small smile and cheerful eyes. "We can do that."

  
So, yeah, a month later Eliott left to a very fancy art program to Cambridge. Lucas went with him to airport, kisses him like never, wipes off tears from Eliott´s cheeks and holds back his own, and gives him small folded envelope.

  
When Eliott was sitting on his seat in airplane next to Idriss, he unfolded the envelope and then the paper inside, recognizing his boyfriend's handwriting.  


_To Eliott, the love of my life, for every single day we're apart, until he´ll come back to me:_

_1\. I love you_   
_2\. I love you_   
_3\. I love you_   
_4\. I love you_   
_5\. I love you_   
_6\. I love you_   
_7\. I love you_   
_8\. I love you_   
_9\. I love you_   
_10\. I love you_   
_11\. I love you_   
_12\. I love you_   
_13\. I love you_   
_14\. I love you_   
_15\. I love you_   
_16\. I love you_   
_17\. I love you_   
_18\. I love you_   
_19\. I love you_   
_20\. I love you_   
_21\. I love you_   
_22\. I love you_   
_23\. I love you_   
_24\. I love you_   
_25\. I love you_   
_26\. I love you_   
_27\. I love you_   
_28\. I love you_   
_29\. I love you_   
_30\. I love you_   
_31\. I love you_

  
Yeah. They can do that.

**LUCAS - NOW**

  
After some time, what feels like eternity, Lucas stands up from the floor, walks through dark apartment into their bedroom, ignoring the fact that he walks over thousands pieces of broken glass.

  
He stops at the door for a moment, looks at the empty bed with blank expression, then he goes to their closet and finds Eliott's grey sweater.

  
(It was Christmas gift from Lucas. With this grey color, the blue parts of Eliott's eyes were more visible and he looks ethereal in it.  
  
Eliott loved it, the warm soft fabric, he loved it so much.  
  
And even when Eliott loved wearing it, he loved when Lucas was wearing it even more.)

  
Lucas burries his face to the softness in his hands, inhaling the scent, Eliott's scent, stays like that for a few moments. Then he takes off his hoodie, puts on the sweater, lets himself be hugged by it.

  
It was too big for him, he has sweater paws, but he loves it and Eliott would love it, too.

  
Eliott _will_, too.

  
Lucas goes to the desk, sits there, opens up Eliott's sketch book, rips out blank page and starts writing.

  
Isn't that what people usually do?

  
Write a letter?

  
So yeah, Lucas sits there, ignoring the pain in his throbbing hand with which he hit the wall before, knuckles bleeding and probably not okay at all. Ignoring the pain in his head. Ignoring the pain in his feet, as he walked over the broken glass. Ignoring everything, _everything_, he has to write that.

He has to.

  
He has to write a goodbye letter.

**ELIOTT - NOW**

  
"Eliott, what happened?"

  
Eliott is shaking. His whole body's shaking totally uncontrollably, his limbs turned into jelly, lips trembling, his head hurts like hell.

  
Something is wrong.

  
"Hey, what is it?" Idriss is next to him, kneeling on the floor where Eliott slided down the wall some time ago. How long he's there like that, curled into himself, he doesn't know.

  
Something is very, _very_ wrong.  


"Eliott, talk to me! You're shaking, what happened?" Idriss pleads, his other-time-calming hands are on Eliott's shoulders to keep him steady, but today they feel like steel. Today they feel heavy. Nothing can calm Eliott right now.  


Only one specific pair of eyes, one specific smiling lips, one specific pair of (a little smaller but very strong) hands, one specific sound of someone's voice.

  
And he's not getting it in this moment.  


He's so far away.

  
Idriss shakes with him by his shoulders a little harder to bring him back.

  
"Idriss...," Eliott whispers, his voice sounds strange. Idriss is looking at him, waiting for continue but Eliott isn't sure he is able to give him any.

  
He looks on his left ringfinger and the mark is pale and small.  
It scares him like hell.  


"Where is he, Idriss... Where is Lucas?"

  
......

  
"Eliott wait!"

  
"I can't fucking wait Idriss! Something is wrong with Lucas! Something had happened to him, don't you get it? I need to go and find him," Eliott screams at Idriss.

  
"Okay, I get it, I get it! Let me help you," says Idriss with serious expression.

  
Eliott opens the door only to bump into his supervisor.

Lucille.  


"Eliott!" she almost chokes on that word, staring at Eliott like she would see the ghost.

  
"Not now, Lucille, I need to go," he tries to pass around her but she catches his forearm and squeezes him tightly.

  
He looks at her, _what the fuck she wants, now?!_  


"Y-you... you're..."

  
"WHAT?" Eliott is impatient. _I don't have time to this, I have to go and find Lucas, I have to go!_

  
"You're alive...," she whispers, staring at him with open mouth.  


"Yes, of course I'm alive. What the fuck is going on?"

  
"But I... but the therorist attack... dozens of killed people... but everyone is dead and you... I saw your name... I told Lucas-"

  
Eliott's eyes widen._ What the f-_  


"What you told Lucas?" he almost yells.  


"I-I called him a-and told him y-you're d-dead," says Lucille. Just like that.

  
Eliott's pulse beats rapidly in his ears. His head hurts like never and he's tired and scared. And now, he's terrified.  


"You did WHAT?!" he surely missheard.

  
Lucille looks at him with guilty eyes.

  
"Why the fuck would you do that?" Eliott screams at her.  


"I saw your name on that list!" she yells back.

  
"WHAT list?"

  
"The list of victims. Th-they have it in the hospital hall."  


This woman is unbelievable.

  
"Fuck Lucille! When did you call him?"

  
She shakes her head and shrugs. "Today at... I don't remember! Couple of hours ago, I guess."  


Hours. It's been _hours_ of Lucas thinking that Eliott is dead. Eliott has to block out terrifying pictures appearing in his head about what Lucas is able to do after he heard information like that.  


_Fuck._

  
"Hey, Eliott," Idriss pats his shoulder. "Calm down."

  
"Idriss, you don't know him, I do! I know him, fuck, I-I... FUCK!" Eliott's shaking again, his breathing gets faster and faster. "I need to call him," he's looking for his phone, can't find it. Where the fuck is-  


_Oh_.

  
Last time he saw his phone was on the desk in that classroom, that one what exploded and ended up in flames.  


"Give me your phone, please," he tells Idriss.

  
He knows Lucas´ number. Of course he knows it. He knows _everything_ about Lucas. That's why is he so fucking scared.

  
_"The number you are calling doesn't exist."_

  
No. That's not fucking true.

  
Again.

  
_"The number you are calling doesn't exist."_

  
_No_, again!

  
_"The number you are calling-"_  


"No!" says Eliott, voice desperate, eyes full of tears.

  
Again.  


_"The number you ar-"_

  
"Lucas, pick up your fucking phone!" he screams in the microphone. "What did he say to you, after you told him that bullshit?" he shouts at Lucille.

  
"N-nothing. Nothing I swear! There was just silence and then the call ended. I called again, but it was just ringing and nobody answered," she shrugs. She fucking doesn't realized what the fuck she did, does she?

  
"FUCK! What am I suppose to do now! I need to go!" Eliott starts runing through the corridor.

  
Idriss catches him.

  
"Eliott, let me help you," he said and this time Eliott listens, because he's helpless.

  
......  


Eliott is so scared, he doesn't hear anything Idriss is saying to him, he doesn't speak, he tries so much not to break down right there, wherever they are.

  
Idriss takes him to the airport and Eliott doesn't really realize it, until he sits on the plane.

  
How much time passed, how Idriss managed get them plane tickets, how so he's still able to walk, to move with his body.... Mysteries he doesn't know, things he doesn't care about.  


He needs to get to Lucas, because he can only imagine how blind Lucas could be after what he heard, how irrational thinking he can have sometimes.

  
Eliott shuts his eyes and tries to survive this without breakdown. He feels he´s on the edge of one and it´s not good.

  
It´s _not_ fucking good.

  
......  


Eliott gets off of the plane as fast as he can, but people are so slow slow slow and he hates it hates it _hates it!_

  
"Move!" he shouts at them and Idriss apologizes for him.  


"Eliott, calm the fuck down. You're not helping with this," he grabs Eliott's arm, leads him through the crowded airport hall.

  
"I don't fucking care Idriss! I need to find Lucas, before it'll be too late!"

  
It's not too late._ It's not too late._ It's fucking _not_! Eliott's trying to convince himself, he just can't accept any other option.

  
Fuck.

  
"Too late? Too late for what?" Idriss asks.

  
He has no idea, has he? He doesn't know Lucas as much as Eliott. Eliott sometimes feels that he's the only one who actually really knows him. And he knows that Lucas has noone else. He has no family, he has no closer friends.

  
And now, he thinks he doesn't have Eliott, either.

  
_Fuck_.

  
_It's not too late, it's not too late,_ he repeats to himself in his head as they call the cab._ It's not too late, it's not too late,_ he repeats as he stares at his dangerously pale soulmark.

  
_It's not too late, it's not too late._

**LUCAS - 1,5 YEAR AGO**

  
Lucas goes home from work.

  
_Home_.

  
Yes, he can say that now, he has home. True home with warm bed and warm arms which hug him and protect him as he sleeps. Every day, every night.

  
Today is his and Eliott's 6 months anniversary.

  
They live together for almost 5 months now and Lucas never felt better, never felt this happy. Never in his life.

  
Eliott convinced him to cut his work hours. He told him that he doesn't need to work so much because this apartment has no rent (Eliott's parents are the owners) and they only need money for food and Eliott _has_ them. So Lucas can work less and be with Eliott more, instead.

  
And

honestly

Lucas had no argument to that.  


Now he works 3 days a week instead of 6 like before. (He still needs his own money.)  
Much better, according his upcoming bac.

  
"Halo?" he calls as he walks through the door into the flat. "Eliott?"

  
Suddenly soft fabric covers his eyes and he feels lips on his ear.

  
"Hi baby," Eliott whispers and Lucas can hear his smile.

  
"Eliott," he says, "I brought dinner, take it off of my eyes, I need to put it down."  


"No way," Eliott ties the scarf tightly but gently around his head over his eyes, giggling, and Lucas forgives him everything in a second, because he loves him so much.

  
Then he feels Eliott grabbing the food bag from his hand, and then

  
"Y-you brought me flowers?" Eliott whispers and takes them from Lucas' grip and Lucas really really wish he could see Eliott's face now.  


"Um... Yeah. Happy 6 months anniversary, I love you," Lucas says and smiles, nervous without his sight.

  
"Lucas...," Eliott says softly, then he slowly takes Lucas´ backpack off of his shoulders and cups his face. "I love you so much," he says against Lucas´ lips and then the distance dissapears and they´re kissing, slowly at first, Lucas puts his hands on Eliott's arms, holds him close and himself steady, and then his hands slip into Eliott's hair and the kissing is passionate and with that scarf on his eyes it's kinda hot, he feels like in some kind of erotic novel.

  
Then Eliott pulls away.

  
"Okay but Lucas, we have to go, I have a surprise for you," he says out of breath.

  
"Really? Hm... I thought you want to experience some wierd erotic fantasy from Fifty Shades of Grey with that," he points at his covered eyes.

  
Eliott laughs and then he whispers to his ear  
"Maybe later," and Lucas shivers.

  
Eliott guides him up up up and suddenly Lucas feels summer night wind on his face and they must be on the roof, most probably.  


"Are you ready?" Eliott asks quietly.

  
"I don't know, but gimme that," says Lucas, hears Eliott's laugh and then the fabric is not covering his eyes anymore and he has to blink couple times to let his eyes get use to his surroundings.

  
And  
  
holy _shit_

they really _are_ on the roof, but  
  
it looks ethereal.

  
Strings of lights all over the place, there's blanket and pillows and shampagne and Lucas is _stunned_.

  
"Fuck."  


"Do you like it? I thought, maybe, we could watch the moon tonight. It's full moon," says Eliott and Lucas is stunned.

  
"Eliott," he whispers. Then he almost jumps on him. "Thank you thank you thank you!" he´s peppering his face with light pecks. "I love you," Lucas says, "so much."

  
"I love you too," says Eliott. "I love you."

  
....

  
"Hey, look how beautiful moon is tonight," says Eliott, as they´re laying on the blankets.

  
And Lucas is watching. He really does. But not the moon, because Eliott is next to him, looking outworldly.

  
"Do you see that? How unreal the moon looks?" Eliott asks and then "You're not looking."

  
"I am."

  
"Lucas, the moon is beautiful."

  
"You are," says Lucas. "You are beautiful."  


And then, they lost themselves in each other for a moment.

  


**LUCAS - NOW**

  
Lucas goes to the roof.

  
It was their favourite place and he wants to be there, close to the stars and the moon.

And Eliott.

  
He sits down, leans his back to the wall behind him and looks up. His eyes are filled with tears again, because the moon is so pretty and Eliott would look gorgeous in this soft silver light.

  
"Why?" he whispered to the sky. "Why would you do that?" and he's not sure if he speaks to the stars or God or whole universe, he would really just like to know, _why_ his Eliott. Why _him_.

  
Innocent, beautiful, good, precious person with heart from gold.

  
_Why_.

  
Then he pulls up sleeves of Eliott's grey sweater, his folded letter holds in one hand, the second hand holding a razor blade.

  
"Eliott," he whispers and quiet tears are still escaping his already red and swollen eyes.

  
Then he puts the edge of the razor blade to his forearm and presses hardly.

  
The blood starts running out immediatelly. He wants to do that on the other forearm too, long line from his wrist to elbow hole, but his bleeding hand starts twiching and he's not capable of it.

  
He lies down and looks at the moon again, slightly dizzy.

  
Then he hears the voice.

  
"Lucas!"

  
His name. The beautiful _beautiful_ voice is calling his name!

  
"Lucas! Lucas where are you!" he calls and Lucas smiles, eyes closed.

  
"Lucas, Lucas, no!"

  
And Lucas smiles.  


_It's working,_ is his last thought before the darkness takes him away. _Eliott..._

**ELIOTT - NOW**

  
Eliott runs the stairs up to their apartment as fast as never in his life. Ignoring Idriss behind him, he opens the door, and walks inside, just to step into broken glass on the kitchen floor.  


_What happened here?_

  
He turns the light on and his breath catches in his throat.

  
Fuck.

  
_FUCK!_

  
The havoc, the mess in this flat, it's terrible. It scares him even more the he already is.  


"What the fuck?" he hears Idriss´ voice as he walks through the door, too.

  
Everything is broken.

  
"Is that a... blood?" Idriss asks and Eliott follows his gaze, looks at the red stain on the wall.

  
It definitely is a blood.

  
"Lucas!" he calls out loud and searches through the rest of the flat in flash.

  
Lucas is nowhere.  


Eliott falls into helplessness for a moment and then he runs again.

  
He runs again, because he _knows_.

  
"Lucas!" he yells. "Lucas! Lucas where are you?"

  
When he steps on the roof and sees him, his heart stops.

  
Lucas is on the ground in the pool of blood.

  
"Lucas, Lucas, no!" he screams and starts crying, running to him.

  
He sees the wound on his left hand and Lucas is so pale, so pale and it's cold, it's so cold suddenly-

  
Eliott starts screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .....i´m sorry.
> 
> This is a mess.  
Same as my life.
> 
> tumblr: @briallenko
> 
> Love you.


	3. Come back to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Lucas stops breathing.  
Because what in the fucking world is that.  
Eliott´s body, looking like fucking Michelangelo created it.  
"What is it?" Eliott asks, concern in his gorgeous face. "Is everything alright? D-did I do something wrong?" he adds in unsure voice and shuffles a little away from Lucas to give him some space.  
"N-no!" Lucas hurries. "No, Eliott, not at all, it´s just that..."  
"What?"  
"That you´re s-so...," Lucas takes a deep breath, Eliott´s watching him, curiously. "That you´re so... so freaking gorgeous."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is total mess and who will understand, deserve a prize. Crystal medal for example. Or big bowl of chocolate chips. Make your choice. 
> 
> TW: I don´t even know. Plenty. Panic attack, mention of death, critical situations, etc.
> 
> Okay, enjoy!

  
**ELIOTT - 1,5 YEARS AGO**

  
Eliott was scared about Lucas' life on his nineteenth birthday - first birthday they celebrated together.  
But nearly not scared like this.

It happened like that:

He was at home, cleaning kitchen for Lucas, because Lucas never let him near cooking. Not because Eliott would be bad cook (they'll never find out like this probably), but because Lucas was excelent one.

  
Truly, Eliott loved everything Lucas made, and what he loved more was watching Lucas cooking. When Lucas was cooking, he was happy and relaxed and damn hot.  


When he was in especially good mood and wasn't exhausted from work and school too much, he was singing with the radio. And dancing.   
When that happened for the first time, 3 months of dating, Eliott didn't let him finish their meal, because, honestly, he never saw something more cute, more beautiful, more endearing, more fucking hot and he just had to kiss him and kiss him and kiss him and again and again and then... it just, somehow... happened itself?

Suddenly Lucas was sitting on the kitchen counter, legs around Eliott's waist, fingers tangled in his hair, Eliott's one hand was on Lucas' thigh, the other one on his neck and they were losing themselves in each other, forgot about dinner, forgot about breathing, forgot about whole fucking world.  
  
"Eliott t-the p-," Lucas tried to say between kisses but Eliott swallowed those words, hands under Lucas' shirt. "Mmm wait, Eli-"  
  
"No, no, shhh," Eliott mumbled and kissed him deeper, Lucas' moans died in his mouth.

Lucas had to push Eliott away with all his power, they stood there, still close but not close enough - according to Eliott, with swollen red lips, messy hair and sparkly eyes, both of them heavily breathing.  
  
"The pasta," said Lucas breathlessly. "I have to-"

"I'm not hungry anymore," murmured Eliott, voice hoarse, looking at Lucas' lips, red and puffy and so so so sweet.

Lucas watched him for a while, and he probably had to notice the living fire in Eliott's eyes, because he reached out one hand, turned off the gas cooker and pulled Eliott back to himself by his t-shirt.

Eliott didn't have a chance to smile at that because Lucas' lips were right _there_ and he was busy taking care of that.

Eliott tightened the embrace around Lucas' middle and lifted him up, walking to the bedroom. _Their_ bedroom. Because Lucas lived with him now, did you know that?  
Fucking happy Eliott.

When Eliott put him on the bed, Lucas' legs around his waist didn't seem to let go, so he just stayed right there, kissing Lucas´ neck, hands everywhere.  
  
"Lucas, fuck," he whispered, pressed their foreheads together, felt Lucas' hands grabbing the hem of his t-shirt. Eliott looked at Lucas, his fluffy messy hair, his pink cheeks and those damn lips, his suddenly dark and so so so blue eyes, it should be illegal.

"You're so fucking gorgeous," Eliott said and Lucas took a deep breath as he was watching him for a few moments, and then

"I love you, Eliott."  
  
And Eliott  
  
Eliott felt like he could fly.

It was not for the first time actually, Lucas told him that before. But before it was only as a response to Eliott's words. It was like _me too_ kind of thing. Not like this, not like this with that damn voice, damn eyes, damn lips-

Eliott felt like he might be tearing up so he shutted his eyes and pressed their lips together instead. "I love you too," he said between kisses, "I love you too," he said that again, felt Lucas' smile. "Lucas," he whispered against his lips and let that moment devour him.

  
  
When Eliott remembers that day now, as he´s cleaning kitchen, waiting for Lucas, he blushes with the memory and he can't stop the blissful smile spreading on his lips.

  
He just finished cleaning when the door bell rings and the sound echoes through the flat. It's wierd because Lucas has his keys and nobody else is not expected.

  
"Eliott, it's me," says Lucas' voice from intercom on the wall and Eliott smiles.

  
"Hi, love," he said.

  
"I uh... I can't take.. I can't find my keys, will you please, uh, let me in?" Lucas´ voice sounds kind of breathy and maybe even a little strange, Eliott frowns at that but presses the button to let him in. Then he opens front door and goes back to kitchen to look if everything is clean, when he hears the loud shuffle from the stairs and feels stab in his head.

  
_What the f-_  


He rushes out of the door and freezes, because there's Lucas, laying under the stairs, something what looks like it used to be chocolate cake all around the floor and on Lucas, and

  
what is that  
brushes (a lot of), paint tubes (a lot of), sketch book (one, black, in leather cover)  
_art supplies?_

  
Everywhere.  


"Lucas!" Eliott runs to him, kneels down and immediately notices the bleeding wound on Lucas´ forehead, right above his left eyebrow.

  
It scares him like hell.

  
"Lucas, Lucas!" Eliott carefully cups his face. Lucas groans and opens his eyes.  


"Am I dead?" he asks, eyes foggy and voice confused.

  
"No, no you're not!" says Eliott, relief spreading through his body._ He talks, he lives. He's okay. He's okay._  


"Then why I see an angel?" Lucas questions, looking at Eliott, blinking when the blood drops to his eyelid.

  
Eliott's heart jumps in his chest. Lucas must be the purest soul of all.  


He brushed the blood from Lucas' eyelid away and then he takes off his unbuttoned flannel shirt - thank god for the t-shirt under it. He makes a ball from his shirt and carefully presses it to Lucas' forehead.  


"Ahhh," Lucas shuts his eyes and hisses.

  
"I'm sorry, baby," says Eliott quietly, voice full of not-so-hidden worries.

  
"What the fuck happened?" Lucas asks, still confused. Big amount of concern settles in Eliott's stomach.  


"You don't remember?"

  
"I...," Lucas thinks for a moment. "I slipped on the top of the stairs," he says eventually.

  
"Slipped? How so?" asks Eliott and checks Lucas´ whole body up and down. He notices just now that Lucas has wet hair and shirt.

  
"It's... I-it's raining outside," Lucas says, gripping Eliott's wrist in his left hand. "My shoes slipped."

  
"Can you stand?" Eliott asks then.

  
"Pffft, Eliott," says Lucas while slowly sitting up and then trying to stand up, Eliott's hands on his waist, keeping him steady. "I'm totally fine, of course I can stan-FUCK!" Lucas would fall if Eliott didn't hold him already.

  
"What hurts?" Eliott settles him back on the floor.

  
"It's nothing, it's nothing, I swear," Lucas says in rush.

  
"Lucas," Eliott says in warning tone. "Tell me."

  
Lucas sighs. "I might have sprained ankle. It hurts.... a little."   
Eliott knows he's lying because Lucas never admits things like that to Eliott to not worrying him.

  
"We need to go to hospital," says Eliott.

  
"No, no hospitals, it's your birthday, we need to celebrate, I brought a cake-," he shuts his mouth when he looks around and sees the mess what used to be a cake - all over the floor. His face falls. The single drop of blood goes from his eyebrow down his cheek and Eliott is worried, he is fucking worried so _please Lucas let me the fuck take you to the fucking hospital!_  


"I'm so sorry, Eliott, I wanted to give you the best chocolate cake ever, and I also brought you a gift, see," Lucas points at all those artsy stuff around them and empty box in the corner.

  
"You got all this for me?" Eliott asks quietly and takes a black leather cover sketchbook to his hands.

  
"I ruined it," says Lucas, voice sad and head down.

"No, no, you didn´t ruin anything, sweetheart," Eliott assures him, cups his face with one hand and looks at that thing in his other hand, again.

  
His breath catches in his throat.

  
Because

there

on the black cover

was his name

_ELIOTT DEMAURY_

in silver font.  


He runs his index over those beautiful silver letters and looks up at Lucas, who still has his head down, eyes shutted.

  
"Lucas, look at me," he says, but when Lucas does, he has small foggy eyes and Eliott's concern grows bigger.

  
"Lucas?"

  
"Mhmm...," Lucas says, blinks slowly.

  
"What's happe- are you okay?"

  
"Mmm... I'm... just... so tired... I wanna sleep," he says slowly, closes his eyes again.

  
And Eliott knows that this is wrong. He can't sleep with open wound on his forehead. He shouldn't be sleeping with head injury. They need to go to the hospital, now.

  
"Lucas, wake up!" he says and slightly slaps Lucas' cheek.

  
"What," says Lucas and opens his eyes.

  
Eliott takes the box, fast, puts his (new beautiful perfect) sketch book and all art supplies he finds on the floor inside.

  
"Lucas, we need to go, I'm taking you to the hospital, now," he says and takes Lucas' face to his hands once more to check his eyes.

  
He doesn't know what the fuck is he doing because he's not a doctor and he's scared. But when he looks at his boyfriend's sleepy eyes, he somehow knows it's not right.  


"Okay, okay, just... could you please...," Lucas starts, his eyes flicker from left to right to left to right.

  
"What?" Eliott hopes he doesn't have any more injuries, because, seriously, what kind of water Lucas drinks? What did he could possibly do in past life, so bad, that universe is apparantely taking his revenge on him in this one?

  
"Could you please... tell me... which one of you two is my Eliott?" Lucas says.  


"....what?" Eliott is confused. What is he talking about?

  
"I mean, which one of you is my boyfriend? I can't go with some random Eliott, my real one could get jealous and he's dangerous when he´s jealous, I swear...," Lucas´ rambling and Eliott doesn't understand shit.  
What the fuck is he talking about?  


"Lucas..."

  
"So, for the last time, I'm asking you. Is that you," he points at Eliott, "or you?" he points to the empty spot next to Eliott.  


Ah shit.

  
"Okay, that's enough," says Eliott. "Lets go."

  
He lifts Lucas, carrying him bridestyle first to their apartment, he puts the art box on the floor and grabs his hoodie - for Lucas, obviously - his wallet and keys and then he goes out, calling a cab and takes Lucas to the hospital. They both are really lucky that Lucas is so small and his weight is nothing for Eliott.

  
"Lucas, talk to me. Talk to me," he pleads as they´re on their way, sitting in the cab, because all he knows is that Lucas should not fall asleep now.

  
"I'm tired, let me sleep," Lucas closes his eyes and his head falls on Eliott's shoulder.

  
Fuck.

  
"No no no, wake up, wake up!" Eliott grabs his cheeks to his hands, dry blood all over left side of his boy´s face. Lucas slowly opens his eyes, only a little.

  
"Why do you hate me so much to not let me sleep," he mumbles and Eliott would laugh, if he wasn´t so scared. He sighs instead, frustrated.

  
"No, I love you that much to not let you sleep," he responds and then he turns to the driver. "Can you please hurry up? He really needs a doctor."  


"You should call an ambulance then, if it's so acute," he says grumpily and Eliott wants to slap himself. Why he didn't call an ambulence?

  
Fuck.

  
"He better doesn't die in my car," the driver says and looks at them in rearview mirror. "Not my responsibility."  


"He's not gonna die!" says Eliott a little too loudly and ignores that not welcoming pain in his head and his trembling ringfinger.

  
"Hey!" the driver yells, startles Lucas with that and he winces in Eliott's embrace. "Stop bleeding on my leather seats!"  


Lucas sighs and falls onto Eliott´s chest.

....

  
They made it to the hospital. Lucas actually didn´t have sprained ankle. He had fucking broken bone in his ankle. Eliott wanted to scream, because _what the hell is happening to his boy?!_

  
Lucas also had a concussion, doctor cleaned his forehead wound and it didn´t look so scary after that. Still, he had to make four stitches there but fortunatelly, he covered it with piece of bandage. Eliott was glad. He wasn't sure if he would handle the look at it on Lucas' beautiful face.

...

  
So here they are now.

  
Lucas lies on hospital bed, his leg up, ankle in gypsum.

  
"Mr. Lallemant, you have no inner bleeding, so that's a good thing. Your head is totally okay. Stay the night and if there won´t be any complications, you can go home in the morning," says doctor as he looks into Lucas' folder.  


"What complications?" asks Eliott who was sitting next to Lucas' bed on uncomfy chair, holding Lucas´ hand tightly in his both.  


"There's no need to worry, Mr. Demaury, it's only basic prevention in situations like this," says doctor in calm voice.

  
"Prevention from what?" asks Eliott sharply. Lucas squeezes his hand.

  
"Thank you doctor, we're good," says Lucas then, doctor sends them small smile and leaves the room.

  
"Eliott," says Lucas and squeezes his hand again.

  
"Lucas. For fucksake," Eliott breathes out and puts his forehead on their connected hands.

  
"Eliott, I'm okay. Look at me. I'm fine," Lucas puts his other hand on Eliott's head and gently runs his fingers through his hair. "I'm so sorry that I ruined your birthday," he says quietly and Eliott lifts his head up to finally look at him.

  
"You didn't ruin anything," he says and kisses the back of his hand, then presses his cheek to it. "You didn't."

  
"Look at us. We're in fucking hospital because of me. I destroyed your chocolate cake. I destroyed my gift for you. I always ruin everything," Lucas shakes his head and looks down.

  
"No, Lucas, no, you don't. You don't ruin anything. But... could you maybe... I don't know... take a break from your bad luck for a while?" Eliott says and smiles when he sees corner of Lucas' lips twitched up into a tiny smile.

  
"I can try," says Lucas eventually and tugs for Eliott's hand. "Come here," and Eliott goes, lies down next to him, carefully, interlocks their fingers and presses their hands to his chest. Lucas whispers to his ear "Happy birthday, I love you," kisses his shoulder and puts his head on it. Eliott smiles, because Lucas is okay, he's gonna be okay, they're gonna be just fine.  


"I love you," says Eliott and kisses his boy's forehead.

  
.....

  
When they went home the next morning (doctor made sure Lucas is totally completely okay, Eliott took care of that), Eliott carried Lucas on his back, because that stubborn boy didn't accept he should be using crutches for few weeks.

  
"I rather be jumping on one leg than walk with those things. It's embarrassing as hell," said grumpy Lucas to Eliott, when doctor left them at hospital exit door with good luck wish and amused smile.

  
So Eliott just, showed his back to Lucas and he happily climbed up on his boyfriend, wrapped his arms around his neck, rested his chin on Eliott's shoulder.  


Neither of them complained.

  
And as Eliott walked home with his soulmate pressed to his back, felt Lucas' kisses on his neck and cheek, he told himself - he promised himself - that he will protect him from everything until the day he´ll die and he'll never have to see Lucas in hospital, ever again.

**ELIOTT - NOW**

  
And look where he is now.  


In fucking hospital.

  
_Again_.

  
Because of Lucas.

  
_Again_.

  
Fucking Lucille, calling Lucas with false information. Fucking therorists and their need of kill without fucking reason. Fucking Cambridge. Fucking art school with damn art program. Fucking Eliott leaving his boyfriend alone for whole fucking month. Fucking Eliott not staying here with him, not taking care of him. Fucking Eliott peacefully sleeping in hospital meanwhile the love of his life was going through living hell, suffering so much that it went so far that he tried to kill himself because of it all.

  
Eliott blatantly realizes what's happening around him. He doesn't know how they got to the hospital, but he thinks it has something to do with Idriss. He doesn't let go of Lucas' hand. He holds his right forearm (just because his hand is obviously damaged - bloody purple knuckles), carefully, but tightly. He doesn't stop staring at Lucas' face. So pale, so blank, so strange to him. Dark circles under his eyes. Eyelids red and purple. Tracks of tears.

  
Eliott's heart breaks again.  


Then Eliott starts hearing voices. Until now he was trapped in his own head, which only repeated_ Lucas Lucas Lucas Lucas Lucas_ in a loop since what seems like forever.

  
"He lost huge amount of blood. We have to give him transfusion. What's his blood type? Did you find out yet?" says one voice.

  
"B positive," says another.

  
Oh yeah, Eliott remembers that day when they found out they both have B positive blood type. Since then they were joking a lot, every time when one of them had bad day or miserable thoughts, the other one said something like: "Hey, love, be positive!" and the former smiled at that. That worked every fucking time.

  
Now?

Not so much.  


"He has multiple injuries. Right hand is most probably broken. His feet are cutted from below - did he walk on broken glass or what?" the voice asks.

  
"We don't know. It looks like that. Yeah," the other responds.

  
"The worst is definitely the deep gash on his left forearm. It had to be a really big pressure to do that like this... Is he on drugs? Did someone test his blood to that?"  


"No, he´s totally clean."

  
"Damn.... Well, we have to go, now."

  
Somebody grabs Eliott's shoulders gently and tries to pull him away from Lucas.  


"Mr. Demaury? You have to wait here."

  
Hell _no_.

  
No fucking way he leave Lucas alone, ever again.

  
Eliott's hold on Lucas' arm tightens.  


"Mr. Demaury, we´ll take care of him, you can't go there with us," repeats that voice, other times probably calming, but not now, not for Eliott. For Eliott it's voice of devil taking Lucas away from him.  


His breath fastens and he shakes his head franatically.

  
All he knows is then that the security guards came and literally ripped him away from Lucas. Nobody cared about Eliott, who screamed "No! NO! Let me fucking go, I can't leave him! Please! I can't leave him! I can't leave him, do you fucking hear me? Get the fucking off of me! Lucas! Lucas!" and when the door shutted behind them and Eliott stayed in the white freaky corridor, he collapsed on the floor, hysterically crying.

  
"Hey, hey, Eliott," he feels long arms holding him.

  
Idriss is here.

  
Eliott grabs the fabric of Idriss´ jacket and holds it like his life would depend on it.  


"Eliott, it's gonna be okay. He's okay and alive. He's okay, you're okay," Idriss holds him, patiently waiting for Eliott to calm down.

  
Unfortunatelly it looks like calm doesn't come to Eliott.

**LUCAS - NOW**

  
"Lucas! Lucas!" he hears the broken voice, somewhere, far away, too far, too too far.

  
_Why is that angel so sad? What happened to him?_ Lucas wants to ask but he's too heavy, too heavy. He can't move.

  
Everything is too much, his body isn't his body anymore, too much pain, too much pain, he can't handle it.  


His eyelids feel like they're made of metal, he can't open his eyes. And they hurt. The´re burning.

  
And then he sees it, the _light_. It´s dark at first, then red, then orange and yellow and here it is, the white one.  
Finally.  
Promising of no more pain.  


Lucas feels relieved.

  
No pain, not anymore. And he'll see his Eliott again.

  
_Eliott, love, I can't wait. Come here, come for me._  


Lucas feels relieved as he lets the light surround him, he lets the nothingness take advantage above him.  


And there's no pain anymore.

**ELIOTT - NOW**

  
Eliott's mind goes insane. He's here, sitting on the floor of white sterril hospital corridor, arms wrapped around his knees, going back and forth, back and forth. Staring to nothing, not blinking. His eyes are red and swollen, skin sensitive.

  
He sits here for a while now, really doesn't realize for how long. Not that he cares anymore.  


"Mr. Demaury?" voice from his left. He turns his head and stands up abruptly, walks to the doctor.

  
He better have some good news about Lucas or Eliott will destroy this freakingly clean building.

  
"He lost really lot of blood. We took care of him and his injuries and he´s stabilized, anyways, next few hours will be still kind of critical. We have to wait if his body will accept the blood transfusion without any complications," informs him doctor.

  
"Give him my blood," says Eliott with strange voice. "We have same blood type."

  
Doctor shakes his head with small smile.

  
"He already got what he needs," he says. "If there will be any complications, which is not likely right now - according to me and my colleagues, we will take your offer as an option."

  
Eliott stares at him with blank expression and wide eyes, not actually hearing the half of what that man is talking about over the ringing in his ears. 

  
He knows one thing.

  
"I have to see him," he says.

  
"He´s sleeping. I would prefer to let only family members in his room right now," doctor says od puts his hand on Eliott´s chest to hold him back.

  
_What the fuck he´s trying to do here._

  
"What?" Eliott asks, confused, because, no, that man apparantely doesn´t know what he´s talking about. He can´t mean what he´s saying.

  
"Only family visits."

  
The _fuck_.  


"What the hell are you talking about? _I am_ his family!" Eliott shouts.

  
"You? His what, may I ask?"  


"I´m his fucking soulmate for fuck sake!" Eliott yells. "He has noone, just me!"

  
Doctor is taken aback for a few moments, staring at Eliott.  


"Doctor," says Idriss next to Eliott, his hand on Eliott´s shoulder, squeezes it. "Lucas has literally noone else in his life, no family, just Eliott. He´s his boyfriend and his roommate and also, the most importantly, his soulmate."

  
"Oh, that´s changing the situation, of course," says doctor because Idriss, two metres tall guy with muscular shoulders and calm voice, that´s something else than shaking dirty Eliott with tear strains on his cheeks, wet eyelashes and clenched fists.  
"Mr. Lallemant is in room n. 917."

  
Doctor leaves and Eliott doesn´t wait any longer and walks through the corridor, looking at the numbers, searching for the right one.

  
He slowly opens the white door and enters white and blue room with only one bed.

  
There he is.

  
_Lucas_.

  
Sleeping, looking like broken angel.

  
He has left forearm in bandage and so his both feet, not covered by white duvet as the rest of his body. His right hand is in brace. So it is really broken. The transfusion with blood is connected to his elbow hole. Peeping monitor is showing Lucas´ heartbeat, little unsteady but there. It´s there and that´s the only thing that matters.  


Eliott sits down on a chair next to Lucas´ bed.

  
No, wait, that´s wrong. It´s not Lucas´ bed. His bed is at home, in their apartment. This is... this ugly white uncomfortable-looking monster is just temporary.

  
Eliott reaches his hands and put them on Lucas´ right forearm, inch from the brace. Then he kisses his arm, few times and put his forehead on it.

  
"Lucas," he whispers. Tears are escaping his eyes, he´s scared and he´s relieved at the same time, he´s incredibly happy Lucas lives and he´s so fucking sad because of all those horrible things Lucas had to experience.

  
He lifts his head up and looks at Lucas´ calm face. His long eyelashes, his soft curved jawline, chin, nose. Oh god, how Eliott loves Lucas´ nose. Every time when Eliott kisses the tip of Lucas´s nose, it´s all crinkles and that´s absolutely adorable.

  
Eliott was sitting there, looking at Lucas´ face, sending quiet prayers to heaven.

  
_Wake up, love. Wake up._   
_Please._

**ELIOTT - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
Eliott´s waking up, slowly, as one beautiful dream about dark room, white snow and blue eyes was leaving his mind. He blinks a couple times, last pieces of sleep escape his eyelids and then he opens his eyes to see more beauty than ever before in his whole life.  


Lucas´ sleeping face right in front of him, just few inches away, looks heavenly.

  
Eliott´s breath catches with that sight.

  
You know, nobody could probably ever understand how Eliott feels in this moment.  


When he was little, he was watching his parents being so in love with each other, it made him stunned. Their private smiles, their hands with fingers tangled together as they walked through the park together, all three of them, little Eliott running and jumping all around them, exploring the wide world. Their soft touches. Those looks in their eyes, charmed. The small but bright light around them.

He wanted that too. So much.

He asked his father about it, when he was eight.

"How do you find it?" he asked him one saturday morning when they were sitting behind kitchen table, eating breakfast.

His father looked up. "What?"

"This," Eliott pointed between him and his mom, who was standing at kitchen counter, cutting potatoes.

His father looked at his wife with soft eyes, then back to Eliott with smile.  
  
"That´s called love, son. You will know when you´ll meet the right person, one day."

"How will I know that it´s the one? That it´s the right person to me?" Eliott asked.

His dad reached his hand to Eliott, open palm up. Eliott saw the soulmark, his mom´s name, dark and pretty.  
  
"You will have one, too, once you will be fifteen. And then, when you´ll meet your soulmate, you will be sure about them. I promise," his father smiles at him and since then Eliott never stopped thinking about it.

His soulmate´s name. He was trying to imagine what name it could be. He didn´t really make a difference between girls and boys. He was writing names to his diaries, trying to find the perfect one.

He was thinking about it all the time and when he finally reached his fifteenth birthday and in the hour of his birth his soulmark started toshowing there, on his ringfinger, he held his breath, thinking: _finally! It´s here!_

And when the name appeared, five black simple letters, he was able to breathe again, more deeply, lightly, happily, than ever before.

Since then, he was searching for _Lucas_ \- his _soulmate_ \- everywhere. At school, in parks, even on exhibitions he loved to visit a lot. He thought about that possibility, finding his soulmate in the art gallery. It made his heart warm and cheeks pink.

But he didn´t find him there.

He didn´t find him _anywhere_.

When he was almost seventeen, he was frustrated and desperate. Every one of his friends - well, more classmates than friends, really - had their soulmates, constantly glued to their sides, holding hands, hugging, kissing. It was so freaking cute and nice and very frustrating for Eliott that he just wanted to scream.

Like, yeah, he was talking to Lucas, under the cover of the night and his duvet, in his room, alone, he was still talking to Lucas, since Niels, his therapist, told him that.  
  
But the fact that Lucas was out there and Eliott still wasn´t able to find him, that feeling was terrible.  
  
He hated it. The helplessness.  
  
After his seventeenth birthday, his head was in pain again for a few days (- almost 3 years later he learned that Lucas´ father cut him off that time and Lucas was left all alone and homeless). He was scared, so he told himself that he´ll find his soulmate before Christmas. He will.

And  
he didn´t.

It was 1,5 year later, when Lucas finally fell into his arms like that, in the school corridor.

Now, when Eliott looks at his sleeping soulmate, he feels so relieved, so blessed, so happy, so complete.

  
Last night really happened, then.

  
The snow, the scarf, Lucas standing there, the kiss... everything happened.  
They went back to Eliott´s apartment, then, because it was cold outside, too cold and Lucas was wet from the snow and Eliott was only in his hoodie.  
On the street, he leaned to press his cheek to Lucas´ cold one and whispered to his ear, maybe a tiny bit breathlessly: _"Stay with me tonight, please."_

  
And Lucas did.

  
They went to his bedroom, Eliott gave Lucas his grey sweatpants and white shirt and, honestly, it showed up to be probably the best thing he could do.

  
Now, the white light is falling from the window to Lucas´ face, from above Eliott´s back. Lucas is laying on his back, face towards Eliott, clean and peaceful. Eliott saw him only once in something else than black or dark coloured clothes. On monday in restaurant in that damn white button shirt.  


But now, laying there in white shirt and grey sweatpants, both a little too big for him, white duvet covering only some parts of his body, like his right leg, stomach and arm, he looks like a painting.

  
Eliott reaches his hand and touches Lucas´ cheek, gently, his thumb lightly strokes the warm skin on his face. Those dark circles under his eyes covered by his long eyelashes suddenly don´t looking so scary.

  
Eliott´s looking at him, thinking, _this can´t be true, this is a dream. _  
He dreamed about finding his soulmate his whole life. And now, when he´s laying next to him after the most amazing night in his life, he can´t believe that. He can´t believe that this is _it_. This is finally _it_.

  
...  


At night, when Eliott and Lucas were both in clean comfy clothes, they went to bathroom together and Eliott gave Lucas new toothbrush (Eliott is just one of those, who always buy lots of stuff to have some reserves, because he doesn´t really like grocery shopping). Something strange ran across Lucas´ face, when he saw the shelf full of toothbrushes, shampoos, shower gels, toothpastes, razor blades and shaving creams, plenty of all of it, all bright new. Before Eliott could ask, it was gone and Lucas thanked him with shy smile, let Eliott staring at him for a while, speechless.

  
Honestly, Eliott was wondering, if he´ll ever stop being so enamoured by everything Lucas does. He didn´t really care that he doesn´t know the answer.

  
When they lied down to bed, facing each other, Eliott reached his hand and grabbed Lucas´, cold, soft, intertwined their fingers and put their connected hands to the space between them.

  
"Lucas," he whispered.  


"Eliott?" Lucas whispered back.  


Eliott shook his head with smile on his lips, because, really, hearing his name in Lucas´ voice was something else. Special. It sounded like a secret.

  
"I´m just...," he tried again, "so happy."  


Lucas smiled at him. And smiled at him again. And then he kissed the back of his hand, closing his eyes. His eyelashes tickled Eliott´s knuckles as Lucas pressed his forehead to his hand, his smile still present on his lips.

  
"I´m happy, too," he whispered and Eliott cupped his face into his other hand, then gently ran his fingers through Lucas´ hair, so soft and beautiful. Lucas sighed and looked at him, then at his lips and Eliott wasn´t hesitant, no, he just pulled Lucas to him and kissed him, and kissed him, and kissed him, and Lucas kissed him back, pulling him closer and closer.

His lips were so warm and sweet and they matched Eliott´s so perfectly. They both felt the connection and it was incredible, that kissing was a little messy and full of hot breaths, but they didn´t give themselves any chance to take a breath, neither of them wanting to separate.

Lucas´ hands came to Eliott´s hair, gripped it tightly and Eliott moved up, bent over Lucas, leaned down to kiss him. He tried to hold himself up on his elbows to let Lucas some space for breathing, but Lucas had apparantely different plan, since he put his hands around Eliott´s neck pulling him down until their bodies were pressed against each other.

  
"Lucas," Eliott breathed out and started kissing his jaw and then his neck. Lucas held him tightly around shoulders, didn´t let a single inch of space create between their bodies.

  
"I missed you," whispered Lucas out of nowhere, so softly that Eliott almost missed it.

Almost.

  
He stopped, lifted his head up to look at Lucas.

  
And his eyes - so blue, so big, so full of emotions mirroring Eliott´s so well - were making Eliott lost of words once again.

  
"I missed you long before I ever knew you," said Lucas in small voice, like he´d be afraid to say it out loud. He reached to brush back few hair strands falling to Eliott´s forehead, then he cupped his face, fingers lightly stroking his cheeks.

  
And Eliott was staring at him, so done. So so _done_.

  
_This was a dream._

_This was heaven._

He died and he was in heaven, other ways are just not possible.

  
He was looking at this boy under him, and he felt, for the first time in his life, completely understood. He felt in the right place.

  
He belongs _here_. Here, into Lucas´ arms.

  
He lied down on his back and pulled Lucas onto him, hugged him and kissed his forehead. Lucas was looking at him, as he was laying on him, heart to heart, head next to Eliott´s on the same pillow, chin on Eliott´s shoulder.

  
Eliott looked into his eyes, so sparkly, filled with private galaxy.

  
"How can I be so lucky," Eliott said to the non existent space between them. "I missed you, too," he added and pressed his lips to Lucas´ forehead.

  
Lucas closed his eyes, put his head down to the place between Eliott´s neck and shoulder and sighs.

  
They fell asleep like that, holding each other tightly and close, never wanted to let go.

  
...

  
Eliott is so lost in thoughts about last night, brushing Lucas´ hair from his face absently, that he startles when Lucas suddenly winces from sleep.  


He pulls his hand back, thinks, _oh shit, I woke him up._  
But no.

  
Lucas winces and then sighs, shuffling to lay on his side so his whole body is facing Eliott, now. Then Lucas reaches out and grabs Eliott´s arm, pulling it close, to his chest, and hugs it.  


He really just  
hugs  
Eliott´s arm.

  
Eliott´s shirt fell from Lucas´ shoulder a little and Eliott sees the pale skin, few moles, bones under his skin and he needs to take a deep breath.

_Fuck_.  
  
_This boy._

  
He´s watching him, completely in awe, as Lucas presses his face to Eliott´s biceps and sleeps, he just sleeps. So Eliott leans forward, arm trapped in Lucas´ warm embrace, he leans forward, puts his head to Lucas´ and closes his eyes.

**LUCAS - 2 YEARS AGO**

  
Lucas opens his eyes to the white light from the window, and also to two grey eyes watching him. Face, which they belong to, is smiling and that´s the most beautiful sight ever.

  
Lucas blinks couple times to fully wake his eyes. He lays on his right side, so close to Eliott, his chest pressed to Eliott´s arm which he´s holding tightly. When he realizes that, his grip loosens a bit, slight blush appears on his cheeks.

  
But then he remembers.

It´s _Eliott_.

It´s his _soulmate_.

  
He doesn´t need to feel embarrassed or wierd or anything except good.

  
Because it´s _Eliott_.  


So Lucas just leans down and presses a kiss to Eliott´s shoulder.  


"Good morning."  


Eliott´s smile is breathtaking.

  
"Good morning," he responds right back, fingers run through Lucas´ hair.  


Lucas is smiling, he´s smiling because he realizes that it really happened last night, he thought that was a dream, a beautiful dream he would never forget, but no. That was reality. Reality he will never forget.

  
He let himself fall yesterday night. He let himself fall with that kiss in the snow, he let himself fall with Eliott´s clothes on his body, he let himself fall with that toothbrush Eliott gave him.

  
Honestly, he was shocked, when he saw the shelf full of bright new things. So many. So so _many_. Lucas was used to that he had to pay rent and sometimes he couldn´t even afford to buy new shower gel. He was shocked, but fortunatelly he shook it off before Eliott could notice.

  
He let himself fall into white sheets of Eliott´s bed. He let himself fall, right into Eliott´s arms. He let himself fall, feeling happy like never, and he didn´t care about consequences.  
He doesn´t think about possible abadonment, for once. He thinks only about Eliott´s arm in his, only about Eliott´s eyes watching him, softly, shining like a festival lights. He thinks about Eliott´s lips, as they are pressed to his this morning. He thinks about Eliott´s body next to him, on top of him, under him, as they´re kissing, Eliott´s hands under his t-shirt.  
His own hands on bare skin of Eliott´s back.

He thinks about that glint in Eliott´s eyes, when Lucas reaches his hand to fix his t-shirt, which fell from his shoulder. But he doesn´t make it, because Eliott´s lips were right there and then under his shirt and then the shirt is gone.

Then Eliott´s shirt is gone, too.

  
And Lucas stops breathing.

  
Because what in the fucking world is _that_.

  
Eliott´s body, looking like fucking Michelangelo created it.

  
"What is it?" Eliott asks, concern in his gorgeous face. "Is everything alright? D-did I do something wrong?" he adds in unsure voice and shuffles a little away from Lucas to give him some space.  


"N-no!" Lucas hurries. "No, Eliott, not at all, it´s just that..."

  
"What?"

  
"That you´re s-so...," Lucas takes a deep breath, Eliott´s watching him, curiously. "That you´re so... so freaking gorgeous."

  
Then Eliott captures Lucas´ lips with his own, and Lucas let himself fall, again and again and again.

**ELIOTT - NOW**

  
He doesn´t know how long he´s sitting here, on this shitty uncomfy chair next to Lucas´ bed.

  
According his backpain it´s quite long time.

  
The daylight is falling into the room from the window, but Eliott doesn´t care about what time is it.

  
Lucas still didn´t wake up.  


"Eliott," quiet voice says. "He´s alright, his body accepted the transfusion. There´s no need to worry. You should go and take a shower, you have still the same clothes since yesterday morning. Full of dust and dirt and smelling like a smoke."

  
Idriss.

  
Eliott shakes his head and tightens the hold on Lucas´ forearm. He didn´t let go since he came into the room at night.

  
"Eliott, I´ll wait here with him for you, I promise," Idriss tries again.

  
"Never in a million universes I leave him again. Ever," says Eliott, voice raspy from the long silence and all that crying.  


"Eliott, really, you should-"

  
"He´s NOT WAKING UP, IDRISS!" Eliott screams. "Why is he not waking up?" his voice breaks and he´s crying again. Heavy sobs are crawling out of his throat.

  
"He just needs some time to rest. His body needs it and what is more important - his mind needs it, too, maybe more," Idriss puts his hand on Eliott´s shoulder.

  
Eliott cries, he´s just so scared.  


"Come back to me," he whispered into Lucas´ skin.  


"I´m gonna get you some water, okay?" says Idriss, déja-vu from England hospital comes to his mind as he leaves the room.

  
Eliott stands up, leans to Lucas, kisses his cheek and presses his forehead to Lucas´. And Lucas is cold, he´s so cold.

  
"Come back to me, love," Eliott whispers again, stays there for a few moments, then sits back to the chair, puts his head on his hands, holding up to Lucas´ arm.

  
Lucas´ eyelids flutter a little and then

he opens his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> tumblr: @briallenko  
ig art account: briallen.art


	4. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Lucas wakes up in the middle of the night, Eliott is awake, running his fingers through Lucas´ hair.  
"Eliott," Lucas whispers.  
"I´m here," says Eliott, caress his cheek, then his hair again.  
"I want to go home," says Lucas, holds Eliott´s wrist and closes his eyes again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It´s here.  
Finally.
> 
> It´s after midnight here and I have it. I have it, I´m done. And yes I´m crying, if you have to know.
> 
> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> TW: mention of suicide; panic attack(s); disgustingly huge amount of love love love; too many forehead kissing, too many hands.

**LUCAS - NOW**

Lucas opens his eyes to bright white light - shining from the ceiling - and confused mind.

  
_What the fuck happened? _

  
He's dezoriented and so so so tired, but the voice, the broken voice didn't let him sleep any longer.

  
Sleep? Was he even sleeping?

  
He hears beeping sound in the background.

  
He doesn't move, his eyes travel around the white and blue clean room, and he´s trying to take in his surroundings.

  
Blank walls. Big window. White doors. White metal bed and white sheets. His hands and feet under bandages.

  
Brown messy hair.

  
**Eliott.**

  
Eliott is here,_ Eliott is here!_

  
No, but... it can't be true, because he-

  
He's here,_ he's alive!_

  
Or... Lucas is dead, then.

  
Lucas' heart starts beating faster.

  
Because when he sees the bandages, the brace on his right hand, he remembers. He _remembers_. Images start running through his head and he can't stop them.

  
His head in pain, Lucille's phone call, Eliott's death, their flat, Eliott's sweater, the roof and  
and  
the _blood_  
blood _everywhere_  
and then _nothing_. Nothing at all.

  
Lucas´ breathing fastens even more, beeping sound suddenly screams in his ears, so fast, so freaking fast and so damn _loud_ and the freaking beating of his heart hurts in his ribcage.

  
His limbs are so heavy, his whole body is so _heavy_, he can't move. Tears start escaping his eyes.

  
Eliott probably must heard the annoyingly loud noise too, because his head snaps up and he looks at Lucas with wide eyes.

  
And he's here, he's really _here_, _alive_, he's okay and he's alive and his hands immediately cup Lucas' face, stroking his cheeks to get these tears away, but they don't stop falling and Eliott's crying now, too, just a little, just silent tears falling down from his eyes but Lucas notices that he´s also smiling.

  
"Lucas," he breathes out and in his voice and eyes Lucas hears the relief, relief and love. He brings his forehead to Lucas' and closes his eyes.

  
And Lucas can't move, he can't touch him, hold him, make sure he's really here and Lucas is not dreaming.

  
"Lucas, oh my god, Lucas," says Eliott in shaky voice, pulls away a little to look at him.

  
And Lucas is still breathing too fast and his heart must be pounding too much blood because it hurts, and with that his whole body hurts even more.   
He´s staring at Eliott and his eyes seem to take at least a half of his face, so big, wide open.

_Eliott is here, Eliott is here..._

  
"Shhh, love, you're okay, shhh," Eliott´s trying to calm him down but it's not working, it's too much, everything is _too much._

  
Eliott's eyes snap to the machine. He takes in that too fast beeping and the line of Lucas' heartbeat and fear appears in his beautiful, _beautiful_ face.

  
"Lucas, breathe, you have to breathe, please," he pleads, looking at him urgently, but Lucas hears his voice from distance. "It's okay, you're okay, do you hear me? I'm here, I'm alive, see?"

  
And then Lucas can't breathe at all.

**ELIOTT - NOW**

  
Long beep echoes the room.

  
Lucas stops breathing, he's suffocating, wide blue eyes foggy.

  
"No! Lucas!" huge heavy fear settles in Eliott's stomach, he's franatically pressing the button to call doctor, over and over again.

  
"Help! Somebody help!" Eliott yells.

  
Lucas starts shaking. His whole body's shaking so much, it's nearly jumping on the bed.

  
Eliott's watching it, terrified, not able to do literally _anything_ because he doesn't fucking know _what to do_ and his head is in terrible pain.

  
Two doctors enter the room, hasten to Lucas.

  
"Step back, sir," one of them says to Eliott who stumbles backwards until his back is pressed to the wall, then he slides down on the floor.

  
"He's having epileptic seizure," says one doctor to his colleague.

  
_What?_

  
Then he pulls out small syringe.

  
Eliott shuts his eyes tightly.

  
After some time what feels like eternity for Eliott but it probably was only few seconds, beeping sound appears, steady, normal, functional.

  
The headache is slowly fading away from Eliott and when he hesitantly looks up, he sees Lucas, calm now, lying on the bed, pale, looking so tiny that in a cartoon Eliott could hide him in his pocket.  
God, how he wants to do that right now. 

  
"What happend?" asks one of the doctors, looking at Eliott.

  
Eliott stares at him for long moment, shaking his head, few tears escape his eyes, he brushes them away.

  
"H-he woke up a-and he couldn't breathe," says Eliott, his voice breaks few times.

  
Doctor sighs, nods, looks at his colleague and then back to Eliott.

  
"Look, I don't know what exactly happened that this young man ended up like this, with injuries like his, but I'm not stupid," Eliott blinks at him. "From what I can see, I assume he apparantely went through hell. It could have some aftermath."

  
What is he talking about what's happening what the fuck what fucking _aftermath_ wasn't it already _enough_ for Lucas?  
_Wasn't it already enough for hundred lives?_

  
"W-what... What are you saying?" whispers Eliott.

  
"His mind and body could be reacting to events he went through. It's called post-traumatic stress," says doctor, carefully watching Eliott, who´s shaking his head again.

  
"No. No. H-he's okay. He's alright. He can't s-suffer even more than he already did!" says Eliott.

  
Doctor sighs.

  
"I don't make the rules, Mr. Demaury."

  
_This is so fucked up,_ Eliott thinks. He doesn't even know who to blame anymore, so he blames himself.

  
"What if you just go home, and-," the other doctor starts but Eliott doesn't want to listen to this.

  
"There's no fucking chance I´d leave him. Ever again," says Eliott with solid voice.

  
"He's stabilized now and he will be sleeping for next few more hours, most probably. He's safe here."  


Eliott doesn't accept that.

  
"What happend to you?" asks the first doctor curiously.

  
"What?" Eliott steps closer to Lucas´ bed, focusing on his sleeping face.

  
"How did you hurt your head?" asks doctor.

  
Oh, Eliott totally forgot about that piece of bandage on his forehead.

  
"Uh..I was.. In Cambridge-"

  
"You _what_?" almost screams the other doctor.

  
Eliott looks over his shoulder to see shock in their faces.

  
"You were in Cambridge, when the attack happened yesterday morning?" asks one of them.

  
"Yes, I was there. In class," says Eliott slowly. This is not fucking important now. _Lucas_ is the priority here.

  
"And you're alive and... alright? Do you have any more injuries?"

  
"No, just this. I was already in hospital, in London."

  
"We should probably check it out, if you won't mind. Or just change the bandage, at least," suggests the doctor.

  
"It's not fucking important," snaps Eliott. He wants to scream what is on his mind right now out loud, but in his mind appears Lucas holding his hand assuringly every time when they were in stressful situations, and Eliott stops himself, clenches his jaw.

  
There´s only one thing what is important. _Lucas_. Eliott is ironically totally okay. Like usually. How gladly he would change his fate with Lucas' messed up one.

  
"Your health is important too, Mr. Demaury. Why don't you go and maybe take a shower? You can even shower here, in hospital. I can stay here with Mr. Lallemant, so you doesn't have to be worried about him. He'll be safe and under professional surveillance."

  
Eliott doesn't want to. He really doesn't.

  
But then Idriss comes back, promises Eliott to bring him clean clothes and convinces him, that this look at him is scary. And Lucas doesn't need more stress, when he wakes up.

  
Eliott looks at Lucas, sleeping, beautiful and so, so small, kisses his forehead, whispers to his ear "I'll be back in a minute, I promise. I love you," and despite the fact that it´s ripping his heart in pieces, he goes.

**LUCAS - 1,5 YEARS AGO**

  
Lucas wants to scream.

  
Why is he like this? Why he has to ruin everything? He hates it.

  
It was Eliott´s birthday, and Lucas was so hyped to give him his present. He was planning this for so long, he went to this art store, ordered this beautiful sketch book for Eliott, his name in silver - because he knows how much Eliott loves the moon, ale moon looks silver for Lucas. Then he ordered the cake. Special, chocolate only. With marzipan raccoon on the top.  


He noticed that raccoon is the most drawn animal in Eliott´s sketch books. Together with hedgehog sometimes, god knows why.

  
Then he checked Eliott´s art cabinet in their flat, made a list of things that´s missing already or what art supplies Eliott´s using the most. Then he bought it all.

  
When that day came, Lucas went from last class straight to the art store, pick up the gift. They were so nice, put it all in box for him - which he was very thankful for that - then he picked up the cake, and despite the fact that it started raining, he was still so excited and went home with loudly beating heart and smile on his face.

  
His hair and clothes were quite wet when he finally arrived to their building, but he couldn´t care less and after Eliott let him inside, he ran the stairs up and  
well  
yeah.

  
Then he messed everything up, like always.  


So now, when Eliott brought him home on his back, here he is.

  
Eliott puts him on the couch, brings one of the chairs closer, puts big squishy pillow on it so Lucas´ leg can be in peace and comfy.  


"Is that okay like this?" asks Eliott, like an angel he is and Lucas nods. "What do you want to eat for lunch?"

  
"I can cook for you," says Lucas and starts to getting up... only to be pushed back down by Eliott´s hands on his shoulders.

  
"No fucking way, Lucas," says Eliott in solid voice.

  
Lucas sighs. "Why? I fucked up your birthday yesterday, so we´re celebrating today. Let me cook some special meal for you. Anything you want. Anything, I promise, I´m getting better in it, chef is very satisfied with my work in restaurant. I promise I won´t mess this up for you," Lucas blurs out in rush.  


"Stop, stop Lucas, I don´t doubt it, at all," says Eliott with smile on his face, sits down next to Lucas. "I know you´re amazing in it. You´re amazing in everything you do. Well... almost everything," Eliott looks at his leg in gypsum and laughs. "You´ll have to work on your coordination a little."

  
"Eliott, please, I´m okay I can-"

  
"I told you. Stop it. I can order something. What would you like?"

  
"You pick. It´s your birthday."

  
"Okay, I would like to... chinese food? Is that okay with you?"  


Lucas sighs and shakes his head. How does he even deserve this person in his life?

  
"Yes, totally okay, Eli," he smiles at him, Eliott pulls out his phone to order their food online. "Eliott?"

  
"Mhm?" Eliott doesn´t look up from his phone screen.

  
"Can I give you your present at least?" asks Lucas, voice quiet and private. He knows Eliott saw it earlier, when he found Lucas under the stairs, but he wants to do it properly, now.

  
Eliott looks at him with wide grin.

  
"I would love to see my present," says Eliott, eyes sparkly and beautiful, so beautiful, that Lucas for a moment can´t find words.

  
"O-okay, but... You have to bring it yourself because I assume you won´t let me stand up...?"

  
"You´re damn right in that," Eliott nods and stands up, goes to their hall and returns with box in his hands, put it down on the couch between them.

  
"Happy birthday, I love you," says Lucas softly and looks at him, looks into his eyes again, beautiful beautiful stunning eyes, more grey than blue today and his heart stops for a second when he sees the fond, the love and only pure love in them.

  
"Thank you, baby, I love you," says Eliott and leans over the box to kiss him. "Can I look what´s inside, now?" he asks hesitantly when they separate.

  
"Yes, of course, it´s for you."

  
Eliott opens the box and pulls out the leather sketch book. He caresses the cover with his fingers, slowly, gently, across the silver letters, opens it with awe and then he brings it to his face and inhales deeply.

  
"What are you doing?" Lucas laughs.

  
"I love that smell of new paper," says Eliott and brings it closer to Lucas´ face. "Here, try it," and Lucas does what he said.

  
It smells nice. Really nice.

  
Eliott pulls out other stuff.

  
"Why are you spending so much money on me?" he asks then.

  
"I don´t," says Lucas.

  
"Then what´s this?" Eliott points at all those brushes, paint tubes, inks and special pens for graffiti.

  
"That´s... nothing," Lucas shrugs.

  
"That´s not nothing, that´s a lot. That´s everything," says Eliott and kisses him again.  
"I love you so much," says between two kisses. "But I don´t want you to spend so much money over me again."

  
"Eliott, stop it. That was..."

  
"What?"

  
"For free...?" Lucas tries.

He feels bad. He lives here, with Eliott, doesn´t have to pay any rent because the flat isn´t rented, it´s Eliott´s already. So they pay only for energies and that´s monthly way less than he was used to pay in dorm room. He can´t pay it back to Eliott for the rest of his life. Eliott saved him.

He´s saving him every day.

  
Eliott laughs. "Yeah, sure."

  
"You know, I had the best cake for you, too. But it looks like I ruined that, too, right...," says Lucas to change the subject.

  
"What kind of cake it was?" asks Eliott, puts the box aside to sit closer to Lucas.

  
"Chocolate, only chocolate with big cute raccoon on top," says Lucas, looking at Eliott´s hands taking his left one, playing with his fingers. Seems like it´s favourite activity for Eliott. Lucas sometimes makes fun of him for his hand kink. Eliott doesn´t mind, like at all, he always says something like: "Yeah but only with your hands, so don´t worry." and winks at him, so Lucas´ heart takes a backflip in his chest.

  
"What? Are you serious?" Eliott looks at him with wide eyes.

  
"Y-yes? I thought... I thought you like them?" Lucas questions, suddenly unsure.

  
"Are you kidding? I _love_ love them!"

  
Lucas sighs in relief. And gets sad, because he destroyed perfect cake.

  
"I´m sorry you don´t have a cake for your birthday."

  
"Don´t be, that´s totally okay, really," says Eliott and kisses Lucas´ temple. "Don´t you have a picture of it, maybe?"

  
"Um, yeah... Yes, I have, actually," Lucas totally forgot. When the cake was ready, the bakery employee sent its photo to Lucas, if it´s okay like that.   
Now Lucas pulls out his phone, finds that pic and shows it to Eliott.

  
"Oh my god, Lucas, that´s so cute!" Eliott screams, takes the phone from Lucas, studying the picture closely.  


Lucas was looking at him and looking at him some more and thinks, _yeah, this beautiful man, this is my soulmate. This is the love of my life. This is him._

  
"I love it! Thank you!" says Eliott then and hugs Lucas.

  
"For what? You didn´t even have it," Lucas is sad about it, because Eliott looks really so so happy, and it´s only stupid photo, not even a real cake.

  
"I don´t need it," says Eliott, sinks deeper into couch, lays his head on Lucas´ shoulder, takes his hand between his both again and kisses the back of it. "You´re all I need."

  
And yes, that was it. That was another of many many moments, when Lucas wants to curl into ball and cry for days over the fact, that Eliott, from all those people all around the world, Eliott, this Eliott, literal walking living sunshine, the most amazing human being, this gorgeous man, Eliott, is his soulmate.

**ELIOTT - NOW**

  
It really is much better feeling being in clean clothes. Idriss brings him grey sweatpants and black sweater. Wierd combination, but Eliott doesn´t care. Idriss also brings some clothes for Lucas, because he believes Eliott wouldn´t want to leave Lucas for another minute.

  
He´s damn right.

  
Eliott also lets the doctors check his forehead injury. He didn´t know what is there or how it looks like, either, until now. They take off the bandage and annoy Eliott, because one of them whistles.

  
"Woah. Seven stitches."

  
"What?!" shouts Eliott. _How that happened?_

  
"It´s some shitty work," murmurs the other doctor and Eliott looks at him, frowning.

  
"Really, three stitches would be more than enough, I don´t know what kind of English pig did that, but it´s awful."  


They fix it, cover it with new clean piece of bandage and finally let Eliott in peace, alone in Lucas´ room.

  
Eliott is clean, that´s true, hair soft and free of dust, his clothes is smelling better than smoke and dirt, but his mind apparantely doesn´t share the good feeling like his body has.

  
And he´s tired and also hungry, but the imagine of eating making him sick, and sleep is no fucking option because Lucas is the priotity for him. He always was and always will be.

  
So he just sits there, holding Lucas´ arm, eyes tired and small, falling asleep just to wake up seconds later as his head falls down.

  
Lucas´ deep inhale wakes him up from another one micro sleep.

  
Eliott shakes his head and blinks few times just to get rid of the slumber and brings his focus to Lucas´ face.

  
Lucas´s eyes flutter and open.

  
Eliott really tries to keep it cool and not overhelm Lucas with his reaction, not again, but the relieved smile on his face appears and doesn´t go away and he squeezes Lucas´ arm, just a little.

  
Lucas´ eyes scan the room for a few seconds and when they sit on Eliott´s face, they widen and fill with tears.  


"Lucas," says Eliott softly, slowly leans closer to him.

  
Lucas is looking at him, lips parted, but no words coming out. Then he blinks and tears fall down. The machine is beeping faster again and Eliott carefully reaches his hand to swipe the tears away.

  
"Lucas, don´t cry, it´s okay, you´re okay now, do you hear me?" he says and cups Lucas´ face.

  
"Eliott," Lucas whispers, his raspy voice breaks even on that one word. But Eliott is so relieved. He´s so so relieved, hearing Lucas´ voice, hearing Lucas saying his name after more than four weeks apart, it makes him feel happy.

  
"Yes, I´m here. I´m here," Eliott kisses his forehead lightly, Lucas in his hands feels so fragile.

  
"You...alive," says Lucas and starts crying more.

  
"Yes, I am alive, I am. And you are, too," Eliott brings his forehead to Lucas´.

  
"Eliott I-," Lucas tries to say, but sobs don´t let him.

  
"Shh, it´s not important now," says Eliott and slowly lays down next to Lucas, carefully, to not costs him any more pain. Lucas puts his head on Eliott´s shoulder.

  
"I can´t move," he says in quiet broken voice, Eliott´s heart drops.

  
"What do you mean?" he asks carefully, doesn´t know if he´s ready to hear the answer.

  
"I feel so weak, everything hurts," says Lucas.

  
"It will be better soon, I promise," says Eliott and kisses his head. Then he carefully picks up Lucas´ right hand lying between their bodies, he picks it up, moves himself closer to Lucas, holding his braced hand carefully in his both, puts it to his lap.

  
"Eliott," whispers Lucas to his shoulder.

  
"Yes, my love," says Eliott, brings one of his hands to caress Lucas´ cheek gently.  


"I-," Lucas takes a deep breath. "I wanted... I wanted to k-kill-"

  
"I know," whispers Eliott. The imagine hurts like hell.

  
"I thought you´re dead," Lucas cries. "I didn´t want to live without you," he says and Eliott´s heart breaks, again, for a thousand time. "I couldn´t."

  
Eliott doesn´t want to upset Lucas more than he already is, but Lucas has to know, to fully understand.

  
"There was a therorist attack, in Cambridge," he starts and Lucas´ breath catches. Eliott brings his hand to hold his biceps, squeezes a little. "I was in class and suddenly everyone was panicking, running, I ran too and then... I don´t know what happened. Then I woke up in hospital room, hours later."  


"Are you hurt?" Lucas asks with concern and looks at Eliott´s forehead. "What is this?"

  
"No, I´m not, I´m okay, I don´t... I don´t remember when and how this happened," he points at his head, "but it´s nothing, I don´t feel anything there, I promise," he says to calm Lucas down but, honestly, he doesn´t realize any pain in that area.

  
Lucas is quiet for a moment.

  
"What happened to your phone? I couldn´t reach you."

  
"Um... it... uh... blew up with my classroom," says Eliott hesitantly and hears how Lucas´ breath hitches. "What happened to yours?"

  
"I don´t know...," says Lucas and thinks for a minute. "It´s kinda possible I might broke it."

  
Eliott breathes out a laugh, not happy at all, but he couldn´t stop the relief spreading through his whole body, that Lucas is here and he´s okay. "Yeah and not only that, right?" Lucas head snaps up to look him in the eyes. His are blue, of course, but darker, somehow, darker shade of blue and also red from crying, still a little watery. But beautiful. Still so beautiful.

  
For Eliott, one thing is totally clear.

  
He would do anything for Lucas.  


"What do you mean?" he asks, confused.

  
"Our flat? Those things?" Eliott says with raised eyebrows. Lucas´ expression is still confused, eyebrows furrowed. "It looks like you... you broke all our things," Eliott adds quietly, watching Lucas.

  
Lucas stares at him with eyes wide open and parted lips, like he´s trying to remember, but apparantely can´t.

  
"You have cuts below your feet because you walked over broken glass," says Eliott slowly, carefully, watching Lucas´ shocked face, who stares at his bandaged feet for a moment too long. Then Lucas´ eyes snap to his left hand, then to his right one laying on Eliott´s thigh.

  
"Eliott, I´m so sor-," he starts saying, not looking up.

  
"Shhh... It´s okay, nothing of it was important," says Eliott softly and kisses his temple, pulls him closer. Yes, he is sad about those dried roses what Lucas gave him to their 6 months anniversary, he loved them so much, but nothing is more important to him than Lucas is. He could lose everything in his life and have Lucas, and he would be completely happy like that.

  
"I broke your stuff," whispers Lucas, ashamed.

  
"I don´t need them," says Eliott, caresses his cheek and then keeps his hand there, on Lucas´ face, like he would be scared he could dissapear if he let go. Because he never want to let him go. Ever again. "You´re the only thing I need."

**LUCAS - NOW**

  
This is so fucked up.

  
He really tried to kill himself.

  
Every time Lucas looks at his bandaged left hand, he remembers some tiny detail from that night and he feels like he can´t breathe.

  
It´s so wierd it was only last night.

  
One bad event followed another, everything was falling apart and Lucas, Lucas was falling too. In the worst way possible.

  
Wednesday evening, the facetime with Eliott, everything was just okay, yeah they were both sad because they were so far from each other but only two days, two fucking days and they would see each other again.

Thursday morning, classes, work, headache (the warning Lucas didn´t see). Lucille´s phonecall. Flat. Broken things (- according to what Eliott said, because Lucas still doesn´t fully remember). The roof.  
_The fucking roof._

Friday noon, he woke up, doesn´t really remember what happened, but when he woke up next time, Eliott was there and now, here they are.

  
The doctor came earlier this day and pulled out the transfusion. Lucas is okay now and he doesn´t need it anymore, said doctor, when Eliott asked hundred times if he´s completely sure about it.

  
And Lucas couldn´t even reach his hand and squeeze Eliott´s, like he likes to do to calm his overprotective boyfriend, when it´s needed.

  
It´s funny because Lucas is the angry type who always first does and thinks after, like that one time at the party he fought few guys. Or next couple times... not important.  
Lucas never was good with words.  
But Eliott is something else. Eliott is arguing type. He´s talkative. He starts an argument with others (never with Lucas) whenever he feels like they might be wrong.

And he´s apparantely bold enough to argue with doctor.

Lucas loves him so much.

  
...

  
Eliott lays next to him, body pressed to his.  


It´s late. It´s night.

  
Eliott has his head on Lucas´ shoulder, laying on the side facing Lucas, right arm holding Lucas across his chest. Tightly.

  
He´s sleeping.

  
Lucas doesn´t sleep. He can´t. He just can´t fucking sleep.

  
He´s looking at Eliott, and looking at him, and looking at him and he can´t imagine to not looking at him for the rest of his life.

  
Now, when he has a life again.

  
He felt dead inside since the fucking phonecall.

  
It´s wierd. Lucas would never thought he could ever be capable of something like suicide. He really doesn´t remember much, especially not his mental state, just quick images run through his mind, like... their wall in the kitchen, loud noises, throwing his phone away, Eliott´s sweater (oh shit! He ruined Eliott´s favourite sweater! Great, another stupid thing he did.), the roof, the voice - angelic voice, broken, now he knows it had to be Eliott´s.

Who else´s, right?

Eliott saved him again.

  
Eliott sleeps and Lucas overthinks. He´s looking at Eliott and in his mind are running all those stuff Eliott had to experience because of him.

For example, Eliott thought he has to take Lucas to live in his place, because Lucas was living in such a shithole. He didn´t has to, but he did it anyway. Because he´s an angel.  
Eliott has to deal with Lucas´ constant tiredness, his jumping moods, his grumpiness, his fucking bad luck because apparantely everything Lucas did just went to colaps.  
The fucked up Eliott´s 19th birthday - Lucas just wanted to pay him a little part of huge amount of all the love and care and safety Eliott was constantly giving him.  
Not went well.

  
Eliott was stuck with him, he had to taking care of him all the time. Lucas wants to take care of his boyfriend too, but no, he has to fuck up everything everytime, huh.

  
And now?

This is thousand times worse than everything ever before.

He can´t even move.

  
Eliott is just an angel, the most precious soul in whole human existence and that´s why he´s still stuck with Lucas. Only because he thinks he has to, because he´s his soulmate. He just doesn´t have the heart to leave him and go for something better, like all people in Lucas´ life already did.

  
Lucas is looking at the beautiful face of his soulmate, peacefully sleeping, left cheek smooshed on Lucas´ shoulder. Bandage on his forehead breaking Lucas´ heart as he imagines the horrible things Eliott must went through back in Cambridge.

  
How he must been so scared. Confused. Alone.

Of course that he´s exhausted.

  
Tears filled Lucas´ eyes again.

  
Eliott went through hell and instead of Lucas being here for him, Eliott has to be there for Lucas.

  
Again.

  
Fucking selfish Lucas. Always a burden for Eliott. Always a burden.

  
Lucas takes a deep breath to calm himself down and not having another breakdown in front of Eliott, because he must already thinks Lucas is fucking broken or something.  
And maybe he really is. 

  
It´s not working. He counts to ten and then back to zero. Still not working. Few tears escape his eyes and he tries to reach his hand to brush them off, but it´s not working either. Like his hand weighs thousand pounds.

  
He only shifts with it a little bit and it feels like milimetres.

  
_Fuck_.

  
Eliott sighs and moves his head a little, his face is now closer to Lucas´.  


He´s so gorgeous.

  
Lucas wants to touch his face so much, but his hands don´t listen. The brace feels like metal. He takes all his power left in his body to make the left hand go up and he moves with her a little, really, but then it falls back on bed.

  
Eliott tightens the grip around his torso.

  
Lucas lets out frustrated exhale and few sobs crawl out of his throat. He can´t stop them, he desperately wants to touch his boyfriend, to feel him, to hug him, to hold him, and he´s not even capable of it in state like this.

  
He´s trying to stop the quiet sobbing but he can´t do that either. Look at him, piece of shit, not able to do anything.

  
Just _great_.

  
Eliott blinks few times as he wakes up.

  
He woke his tired boyfriend up now. Great. _Just great._

  
"Lucas?" he says, voice hoarse from sleep, eyes small and tired immediately widen when he sees the tears in Lucas´ eyes and on his cheeks. "What is it? What happened? Something hurts?" he asks with concern in his eyes.

  
Lucas looks at him and thinks, _oh god, he´s perfect._ And it costs just more sobbing from him.

  
"Talk to me, love, what´s going on?" Eliott pleads and both his hands cup Lucas´ face, brushing the tears away.

  
"I c-can´t...," Lucas cries. "I can´t even t-touch you," he says eventually and cries harder. Like always. Like a baby.

  
Eliott´s face softens. "You can, you can," he says. Lucas shakes his head and looks at his hands.

  
Eliott follows his gaze and then he takes Lucas´ left hand to his own, gently, carefully lifts it up and puts it on his cheek, covers it with his palm and Lucas can finally breathe again.

  
They lay like this in the dark room, only light comes from the big window, silver and weak moonlight. They´re facing each other, Lucas´ palm pressed to Eliott´s warm cheek covered with Eliott´s own which makes soothing circles there.

  
They´re looking each other in the eyes and when Lucas sees the brighteness in Eliott´s grey ones, his heart beats louder and louder.

  
"Eliott," he whispers.

  
"Yes," Eliott says, never stop looking at him.  


Lucas stops talking for a moment, taking few inhales and exhales before he speaks again.

  
"I´m only a burden for you," he says in a small voice that Eliott might not even hear him.

  
Eliott´s thumb stops his round movement on back of Lucas´ hand and according to his frown and shaking head, he heard him very clearly.  


"What?" he asks, grip on Lucas´ hand tightens a little.  


"I´m just a burden for you," Lucas repeats and then the words start spilling from his mouth and he can´t stop the waterfall of them. "I´m just a burden, I´m only taking and taking and taking from you, everything, your love, your care, your peace and your light, because you are so full of those amazing things, and I´m a fucking thief, still taking, only taking, I´m taking everything and never give you anything back, only worries and sadness and tears, and you have to constantly taking care of me, because you´re just like this, you´re like this, pure and kind and generous, and I´m fucking idiot who always messed up everything and you don´t deserve this, Eliott, you don´t. You deserve better, you dese-"

  
"Lucas, Lucas, enough!" Eliott stops him, Lucas stares at him with watery eyes and his lungs are suddenly so small and he feels like he´d be underwater.

  
Eliott stares right back at him with furious eyes and what is that... fear?

  
No, it´s not._ It can´t be._

  
"What the fuck are you talking about, Lucas? What is this? Where is this came from?" he asks and lifts up on his elbow to properly look at Lucas.

  
Lucas tries too, lift his body to sitting position, but it´s apparantely still not an option for him and he hates it. Eliott lets go of Lucas´ hand which falls limp to the sheets. Lucas hates it too and he lets out shaky breath.

  
"Eliott," he starts and then he can´t continue because he has big lump in his throat, as he thinks about all those stuff, like... he can´t live without Eliott. But at the same time he needs Eliott to be happy, to be safe, to be with someone equal, someone better. Lucas is not that person, he´s only burden, he´s slowing Eliott down, he´s holding him back, he´s not good enough, as always.

Wierd that this realization takes 2 and a half year to finally appear in his head.

  
Eliott sits there, facing Lucas, searching in his face for something and waiting for him to start talking again, so Lucas tries.

  
"You should be with someone, who would be on the same level with you to not bringing you down constantly, who would never do anything to make you sad and look at me," he said, uselessly because Eliott´s already looking, "I´m a disaster. I don´t deserve you, you deserve better," Lucas´ voice breaks couple times and last words are only quiet whispers.

  
He can´t even look at Eliott now, and he can´t fucking leave because his body is so damn weak. Useless. Everything is only his fault, so he can be angry only at himself.

  
"Lucas," Eliott says after few seconds of silence. "Lucas, look at me."   
Lucas doesn´t. He´s looking down and tears are silently falling down his cheeks. He´s a mess. "Please, look at me," says Eliott and cups his face gently.  


Lucas slowly looks up and Eliott´s eyes are pleading and sad, so sad. Lucas makes him sad._ Here we go again._

  
"Lucas, you´re not a burden," he whispers with steady voice and when Lucas starts shaking his head, Eliott just holds him tighter to stop him. "You´re not, you´re not, listen to me!"  


Lucas sniffs. "Yes, I am," he whimpers.

  
"No! Lucas you´re not a burden, you´re my everything!" Eliott says desperately. "I don´t mind if I have to take care of you, because I don´t have to, that´s the thing, you know? Because I don´t have to, I want to, because I love you and I would love you in every universe just like this, infinit. Do you hear me? I love you, okay? You´re not anything less than the love of my life. You´re my whole life, Lucas, you´re my life."

  
Lucas is quiet, processing those words.  


Eliott loves him.  
_Eliott loves him._  
Eliott doesn´t mind taking care of him, Eliott doesn´t care that he´s such a disaster.  


"You´re not a disaster," says Eliott as he leans to him and Lucas wonders if he says those words out loud. "And yes I love you and I love taking care of you." Yep, he says it aloud.

  
"Eliott, I-"

  
"No, shhh," whispers Eliott to his lips and connects them with his own.

  
And really, this is their first real kiss in whole month and Eliott´s lips are desperate and sweet like honey and familiar, like coming home.

**ELIOTT - NOW**

  
Lucas.  
Lucas Lucas _Lucas_.  
His beautiful boy. His little baby. The love of his life. His other half and the light of his days. He´s the best thing that ever happened to him. Eliott was pleading the universe since he was little boy, he was pleading, begging, _please please please let me meet my soulmate already!_

  
So there´s no fucking chance he would let him go. Ever.

  
And honestly? Now, when Eliott thinks about it, the fact that Lucas is his soulmate, couldn´t change the fact that he would fall in love with him, anyways. Since the first time he saw him, he was the only thing that mattered. Since the very first time he saw him, he didn´t have a choice.  


It was Lucas. It was and it is and it always will be _Lucas_.  


Eliott thought he might start screaming when he listened what Lucas was telling him few moments ago. How he could ever even for a milisecond think that Eliott would want anyone else? That he would be even able to be with anyone else?  
That imagine makes Eliott sick.

  
Now, when he finally kissing Lucas, everything is okay. Everything is just right. Everything is in the right place and Eliott is home. And even when they still are on that fucking stupid hospital bed, Eliott is home in Lucas´ proximity.

  
He kissed him to stop him from talking those bullshits. And now he´s kissing him because he can´t not to. It´s Lucas and he didn´t see him for whole month. And even when he doesn´t want to admit it to himself, he honestly really thought few times that he will never have a chance to kiss Lucas again. He was scared of never having Lucas again, like, at all, so now, when he can kiss him, he puts into that kiss everything.  


His love, his adoration, his appretiation, his happines to have Lucas here with him again. His despair. His _everything_.

  
He feels the salt of Lucas´ tears and he pulls away, just a little to look at him and brush the tears away. Lucas has closed eyes and on his parted lips is almost invisible sign of a little smile. And this is the first time since April (when they were on airport and Eliott was leaving) when Eliott sees him like this, smiling - tiny smile, but it´s there so it´s counting - and he kisses him again, and again, and whispers his name and then he feels something.

  
He feels slight touch on his hip.

  
Eliott pulls away and Lucas chases his lips but Eliott looks down and sees Lucas´ hand  
Lucas´ left hand with forearm in bandage  
on his hip.

  
"Lucas," he says and looks back to his boy. "Lucas, your hand."

  
Lucas looks down and first shock and then big smile appears on his face.

  
"Eliott, I can... I can mo-"

  
Eliott kisses him and thinks that he never saw something as beautiful as happy Lucas.

**LUCAS - NOW**

  
Saturday was long. Doctors came and disconnected the annoying beeping machine from Lucas. Then they changed the bandages to show Eliott how to do that properly, so he can do that by himself, once they´ll be home again.

"We couldn´t put a gypsum on this hand despite the fact that there truly are broken bones, because there are also open wounds on the knuckles. We put a brace on it so we can take it off and change the bandages," doctor explained as he was taking the brace off.

Lucas couldn´t look at it, he felt sick and he didn´t want those ugly memories to come back with the sight, so he focused on Eliott´s face instead. Eliott was pale, so pale, then he closed his eyes and Lucas was concerned.

"Eliott? Are you okay?" he asked and brought the doctor´s attention to Eliott, right in time because he could catch Eliott as he fell on the floor.

"Eliott!" Lucas called for him and with lots of effort he managed to almost sit up on the bed. Unfortunatelly it still was not enough.

Eliott fainted. Lucas felt terrible. Doctor woke him up and said that it´s okay, they can always come to hospital for changing bandages. That those wounds are pretty big, not looking so well and it´s understandable that not everyone has stomach for the sight like this.

Eliott looked ashamed. "I´m so sorry, Lucas," he said as he was sitting in the chair, drinking third glass of water, face still pale, forehead a bit sweaty. "I didn´t expect that I-"

"Eliott, it´s okay, it´s my fault," said Lucas and reached his hand to touch his face, because he´s able to do that now, you know? Finally.

On sunday, Eliott took Lucas out. He lifted his body into his arms and carried him to the hospital garden. It was nice and calming, breathing the fresh almost-summer air. June just started and it was already hot weather outside. They were sitting on the bench between trees still pretty full of blooms, Lucas on Eliott´s lap in blue hospital pajamas, face pressed to his chest, listening his heartbeat which sounded like the prettiest melody to him. Eliott had his chin on Lucas´ head, eyes closed, smiling, because there was no better thing he would rather do in that moment.

On monday Idriss came again, happy to see Lucas alright and Eliott smiling. He tried to convince him to take a shower again and change into clean clothes, because Eliott was still in those sweatpants and sweater Idriss brought him on friday.

Eliott didn´t want to leave Lucas. And honestly, Lucas was terrified to not have his eyes on Eliott for a single second. But he knew he can´t let Eliott to not care about himself, too. Eliott was taking care only about Lucas these days, totally forgetting about himself. For example, he needed to shave. His beard quite grew up and he was all scratchy on Lucas´ skin. Lucas didn´t mind, truly. But he thought that Eliott would feel better if he had some time to basic things of selfcare.

So he joined Idriss in convincing Eliott to go. Even when his heart was beating fast and loud in his chest. Eliott was staring at him for long time, searching in his face for a little doubts and Lucas really tried to look certain and calm. Eliott kissed him at least eight times and when he was out of the door, he came back and kissed him three times more.

On tuesday, doctors took Lucas for several tests. They had to wait for Lucas to get stronger, metally and physically, to do that. They examined his brain waves to learn if he had tendencies to epileptic seizures from now on.

Lucas was nervous and scared, Eliott couldn´t be there with him, because of distractions, so he was waiting behind the door, and Lucas was alone in dark room, staples pinned to his head, doctors behind the dark glass wall. His breath was fast and his heart was jumping in his chest like crazy.

"Try to relax, Mr. Lallemant," says doctor to microphone.

_Oh, yeah, relax, sure._ Lucas tried, he closed his eyes, breathing deeply.

Then he heard and felt the cold metal desk he lied on, moving. And when he opened his eyes, he was in the tunnel.

"Mr. Lallemant?" doctor´s voice said. "This is basic CT test, we need you to lay very still. You can close your eyes, if you´re claustrophobic. After a while you´ll hear loud noise, but it´s necessary. It will be over in 15 minutes."

Lucas wasn´t claustrophobic. At least what he knew. But this wasn´t very comfortable for him. It really wasn´t. He took deep inhale through his nose and exhaled with his mouth, closed his eyes, but it wasn´t helping.

It wasn´t helping _at all._

He felt his hands shaking.

Then his legs, too.

He tried to think about Eliott. How his smile lights up the room. How cute and pretty he looks in white t-shirt and black sweatpants Idriss brought him. How he plays with Lucas´ fingers. How he kisses the soulmark on Lucas´ ringfinger with special glint in his eyes. How he sleeps with his head on Lucas´ chest and arms around his body.

It was helping actually, Lucas was thinking about Eliott and his heart beated slower and steady.

But then the loud noise started and Eliott was gone and he was alone again, in dark tunnel and he couldn´t breathe.

"Is everything alright, Mr. Lallemant?" doctor asked but Lucas almost didn´t hear it over the sound of his own pulse, echoing in his head.

"I can´t b-," he tried to say but he was suffocating. "I can´t breathe," he choked out. His breath got fast and shallow.

"Mr. Lallemant, calm down, it will be over soon," said the doctor but Lucas didn´t hear him at all this time. He coughed, lungs felt smaller and smaller.

"Let me out, let me out, I can´t breathe, let me-," he cried between coughing. "Eliott, Eliott!"

He saw black and red and he was so _scared_.

He had a panic attack.

Last time he had panic attack was after he heard that Eliott is dead, he was alone in their dark flat. Now he was alone again, in this dark room.

When this came to his mind, he was completely lost.

He didn´t remember much after this. He was out of the tunnel, chocking out Eliott´s name, then those arms, warm and familiar around him, and then nothing.

**ELIOTT - NOW**

  
Lucas wasn´t epileptic, according to doctors.

  
That news calm Eliott a little because Lucas doesn´t deserve this. He doesn´t deserve any of those bullshits that happened to him.  
And keep happening, obviously.

He had panic attack and Eliott didn´t even know. He was so angry at doctors to not let him go inside with Lucas, but here they were, opened the door and told Eliott to come inside because Lucas was calling for him.

And Eliott came in only to find Lucas panicking, suffocating and scared.

Eliott took him to his embrace, whispering to his ear, calming him and after what felt like eternity, Lucas fell asleep in his arms.

  
When Lucas wakes up in the middle of the night, Eliott is awake, running his fingers through Lucas´ hair.

"Eliott," Lucas whispers.

"I´m here," says Eliott, caress his cheek, then his hair again.

"I want to go home," says Lucas, holds Eliott´s wrist and closes his eyes again.

So on wednesday morning, Eliott talks to doctors, and on wednesday afternoon, they finally can go home.

Eliott helps Lucas change his clothes. He gives him grey sweatpants and burgundy t-shirt what Idriss brought him on friday. Lucas can´t walk with his feet injuries - doctors said at least two more weeks - and Eliott can´t carry him on his back because of Lucas´ hand injuries.

They got the wheelchair. Lucas doesn´t even protest, which is really odd. He thought crutches are embarrassing and about wheelchair... nothing? Not a single word or unpleasant look? Eliott´s watching him for a while after he puts him to the chair and Lucas looks only tired, but nothing else.

"Eli, can you please give me your sweater?" Lucas asks in quiet voice when Eliott leads the wheelchair through the hospital corridor.

"Yeah, sure, are you cold?" he asks with concern and pulls out his black sweater from the bag.

"Yeah, I am," says Lucas, reaching for the warm fabric. Eliott touches his hand and it´s cold, it´s so cold. He puts the sweater on Lucas, who curles into it and they go home.   
It´s strange, it´s so strange, because it´s June and outside is real summer weather, but Lucas looks like he´s really cold.

They arrive home and their flat looks different. It feels different. Empty shelves, clean floors. Only on the white kitchen wall is that red bloody spot, Eliott swallows when he sees it, because it must be the place where Lucas broke his hand.  
Idriss must cleaned all those broken things and Eliott couldn´t be more grateful for his best friend.

He wants to text him, but he still doesn´t have a phone.

Shit. He has to buy new one for himself and for Lucas, too.

Lucas is quiet, his eyes are scanning the rooms like he´d be there for the first time.

Eliott gets down in front of Lucas, puts his hands on his knees, smiles at him.

Lucas smiles back, puts his left hand on Eliott's. Eliott reaches out, hugs Lucas around his middle and lifts him up. Lucas´ hands are around Eliott´s neck now, holding tightly, his face is burried in Eliott´s neck. Eliott holds him in embrace there, Lucas´ feet are not touching the ground.

"Welcome home, love," Eliott whispers and feels Lucas´ kiss on his shoulder.

"Welcome home," says Lucas and Eliott goes to their bedroom like this, takes Lucas´ laptop from the table and lays down on the bed, never let go of Lucas, so he´s laying on Eliott now, hands next to Eliott´s arms on both sides, because each of them should be resting.

"Wanna watch a movie?" asks Eliott softly, stroking Lucas´ back with one hand and Lucas only hums, nose pressed to Eliott´s neck and Eliott feels tickling of his eyelashes there with Lucas´ every blink.

Eliott lets just some music play, quietly, and they fall asleep like this, finally home, together.

  
....

  
The next morning when Eliott wakes up, his eyes meet with blue ones, watching him carefully.

  
"Good morning," he mumbles and smiles at the sight.

  
"Good morning," says Lucas, and then "Happy two and a half year anniversary, I love you."

  
"Oh my god," Eliott sighs and his smile widens. "Happy anniversary, I love you too," he says and kisses Lucas. He wants to kiss him more and more and don´t stop whole day, when the door bell rings. Eliott pulls away a little and frowns. "What the fuck? Who is that?" he asks, confused and Lucas only shrugs. Eliott sighs, gets up and goes to the front door.

  
There´s this guy with huge bouquet of dark red roses.

  
"Special delivery for... Mr. Demaury?" says and Eliott stares at him with open mouth. "Am I at a wrong place?" the guy asks and looks into his papers he´s holding in other hand.

  
"N-no, it´s me," Eliott says. "I´m Eliott Demaury."

  
The guy lets out relieved breath and hands those breathtaking flowers to Eliott, who takes them, absolutely astonished.

  
"Your signature here, sir, please," the guy says and Eliott signs that with shaking hand. "Have a good day," the guy says and leaves.

  
Eliott stays there a little bit longer and then he finally closes the door and goes back to Lucas.

  
"What is that?" he asks, staring at his beautiful boyfriend who´s now half-sitting on the bed with innocent smile.

  
"I don´t know what are you talking about," says Lucas and shrugs again.

  
"THIS!" Eliott lifts the bouquet.

  
"This... it looks like roses," says Lucas and grins at him. Eliott jumps on the bed and sits on Lucas´ lap, leans down to him.

  
"I fucking love you," says and kisses him. "How did you do that? You don´t even have a phone," Eliott shakes his head in disbelief.

  
"I won´t tell you, magician never tells his secrets," says Lucas, bites his lip.  


"Lucas! Please! Tell me, how did you do that, I was with you all the time. When? How?"

  
Lucas shakes his head.

  
"Come on," says Eliott and starts peppering kisses all over his face, saying _please please please please please please_ between every single one and another. Lucas giggles.

  
"Stop it," he says, crinckles his nose, looking absolutely adorable.  


"No until you tell me," says Eliott.

  
"Eliott! Stop it!" Lucas giggles.

  
"No!"

  
"Okay, okay, I´ll tell you, stop it, I´ll tell you!" Eliott stops but it´s funny, because both of them know very well that Lucas loves when Eliott does that.

  
"So?"

  
"I ordered them on monday last week," says Lucas. "I wanted to be sure I won´t forget about anything, so I ordered them a little earlier than I normally would. And...," Lucas takes a deep breath, looks down. "I apparantely destroyed your dried roses, so, now you have new ones, prettier."

  
Eliott´s looking at him, thinking, _what did I ever do so awesome that I deserve this wonderful person in my life._

  
"Thank you, I love you so much," he whispers to his lips and kisses him again. "I don´t deserve you."  


"I really don´t think so-," says Lucas but Eliott doesn´t let him finish.

  
  
Then he goes to the kitchen, looking for some kind of twine to hang those roses on the wall so they could dry and stay like this forever. Right there he notices the white envelope on the kitchen counter.

  
There´s no name on it, only small black "E". It´s dirty from something dark and red... is that blood? It definitely looks like it´s blood.   
Eliott opens it and pulls out white folded piece of paper. When he unfolded it, he sees red fingerprints and few drops on it. His heart painfully jumps in his chest.

Then he reads the shaky written short text.

_I have noone to say goodbye to,_   
_just know, that I´m going to meet the love of my life again._   
_I can´t live without him. He was my light and now he´s gone and I´m in the dark._   
_I can´t see._   
_He was my heart and now he´s gone._   
_I can´t feel._   
_He was my life and now he´s gone._   
_I can´t live._   
_I have to go to him. I have to go. He´s waiting, I´m sure._

_Eliott, love, I´m coming. You won´t be alone, I promise._   
_I love you._   
_Lucas._

Eliott´s heart beating so fast as he reads the letter over and over until he can´t see and when he blinks, tears fall down on the paper.

  
_Fuck_.

  
Is that a... is that a _goodbye letter?_

  
Eliott presses the paper to his heart. His hands are shaking.

  
His pure boy.

(When Lucas took this letter with him on the roof and when all those shits happened, Eliott was screaming and Idriss came up to them, he called an ambulance, communicated with rescue force on the phone, followed their instructions to save Lucas´ life, Eliott was next to him, shaking, repeating Lucas´ name and_ no no no no no no_ over and over again, Idriss found the letter.

He took it, because Eliott didn´t notice it before and also because it could be even worse for him and his mental state, if he´d read it, Idriss thought. 

When he came to the flat for Eliott´s clothes, he cleaned up the flat and then he left the envelope in the kitchen - it was for Eliott, after all.

But neither Lucas or Eliott know this. They don´t know. They never will.)

  
He hangs the roses up and then he goes back to the bedroom to find Lucas with closed eyes.

  
"Lucas," he whispers and Lucas opens his eyes to smile at him, then he closes them again. Eliott has milion questions, he wants to talk about it with Lucas, but when he sees the little sleepy smile on that soft face, he swallows all words, folds the paper and put it into his pocket. Then he lies down next to Lucas, kisses his temple and cheek and the corner of his mouth.

  
Lucas opens his eyes again and looks at him.

  
"What is it?" Lucas asks softly, when he sees tears in Eliott´s eyes. Eliott just shakes his head. "Tell me," Lucas reaches out and strokes Eliott´s cheek, his thumb runs over his eyebrows, eyelids and lips.

  
"Nothing," Eliott whispers.

  
And then he breaks.

  
He can´t handle this anymore. He cries and cries, because he tried to be strong for so long and now he just... the letter is just last piece, he can´t take it anymore. He can´t handle it.

  
"Come here, sweetheart," says Lucas and opens his arms as an invitation for him, and Eliott gladly accepts that, presses his face to Lucas´ neck, chest to chest, hugs him and cries. He feels Lucas´ hand stroking his back and caressing his hair, he feels Lucas´ kisses in his hair and he´s home.   
He´s _home_.

  
...

**LUCAS - NOW**

  
Eliott´s breakdown ripped Lucas´ heart out of his chest and broke it into tiny pieces.

Lucas understands.

He does.

Eliott went through hell himself. He´s allowed to feel like this, to feel helpless and over the edge.

  
And as they lay there, Eliott pressed to his body, sobbing, holding Lucas like he could dissapear, Lucas feels that it´s true, it´s real and they really belong to each other.

  
....

  
They talk.

  
Eliott told Lucas everthing about Cambridge and Lucas listened.   
He told him about everything, the good stuff and the bad stuff, he told him about beautiful days and breathtaking architecture and he told him about days, when he felt miserable and wanted to go back to Paris, immediately.  
He told him about the attack, everything what he remembers. He told him about the english hospital, about the pain in his head, about the way back to Paris, about that feeling he had when he saw the mess in their flat.  
He told him about that moment he realized where Lucas was and he told him about that moment he saw Lucas in pool of dark blood.  
And Lucas listened. Carefully. Every word.

  
Lucas told Eliott about May without him.  
He told him about restaurant, how the chef is very happy with Lucas and his progress and he told him about that one day he had to cook by himself every meal because chef was sick and he told him like people appreciated everything he made and he told him about that one older husband and wife who wanted to see him and when he came to them, they shook his hand and congratulated him to the best turkey meat with baked potatoes they ever had.  
Lucas told him about _that_ day, about the headache, about the phonecall, about that feeling he had - like somebody would ripped his heart out of his body and left him there alone in the dark. He told him everything he remembers about that night.  
He doesn´t remember the pain in his hand as he punched the wall. He doesn´t remember breaking so many things.  
He doesn´t remember the goodbye letter and Eliott didn´t tell him about it. Maybe one day...  
Eliott listened. Everything.

  
Then they kissed and went out buy themselves new phones and food, because their fridge was sadly empty. Eliott leaded Lucas´ wheelchair through the park on their way back home and they stayed there for few hours, feeding ducks with bread and just enjoying the beautiful summer day.

  
Eliott showed Lucas the polaroid photos, he had them in his jacket pocket. Lucas was right. His phone with photos was gone and these, real photos, are the only memories Eliott could keep.  
Eliott also told Lucas he had gift for him to their anniversary in his suitcase which was still stuck in England.   
Lucas doesn´t care. He already has his gift.

Eliott.

And his life.

His life with Eliott.

Second chance.

Less than three weeks later, they celebrate Eliott´s twenty-first birthday. The biggest surprise is letter from Cambridge. Eliott recieved sincere apology for the horrible events in Cambridge and also as a little compensation some amount of money.

Not exactly small.

Actually  
more than enough.

  
Eliott accepts that. And he´s not feeling bad about it. And Lucas supports him. Like always.

  
Eliott doesn´t wait for anything and starts packing their things.

Lucas comes to their bedroom (he can walk now, his feet is healing and even when it still hurts, he can walk and he´s happy) to see Eliott in hill of clothes.

"What are you doing?" he asks and takes away the blue sock from Eliott´s shoulder.

"I´m packing," Eliott answers like it is the most obvious thing. Maybe it was.

"For what?" asks Lucas.

"I´m taking you on the vacation," says Eliott and grins at him so wide that Lucas´ heart blushes in his chest.

  
...

  
Eliott really takes Lucas on the vacation. They left the city first week of July.

  
He didn´t tell him where they´re going until they were in train on their way more than two hours. Lucas sleeps with his head in Eliott´s lap for a while and then he wakes up with "I´m hungry" groan.

  
Eliott tells him they´re going to city called Le Touquet-Paris-Plague, which is in north of France, near the sea with beautiful Côte d’Opale.

  
Lucas looks shocked and then he starts crying.

  
"What? What did I say? Lucas!" Eliott holds his face, worried.

  
"My mom was born there," Lucas says after he calmed down and Eliott hugs him.

  
"I´m so sorry, love, I didn´t know, I swear," he says and feels bad about it. Lucas maybe has some painful memories to his mother.

  
But Lucas shakes his head and brushes his tears away.

  
"No, Eliott," he says with smile, "Eliott, this is...," he shakes his head and giggles, grips Eliott hand with his. "This is perfect," he says with honest sparkly eyes and Eliott melts. "I´ve never been there."

  
"Really?"

  
"Really. Thank you, I love you," Lucas says and kisses him.

  
  
...

  
Le Touquet-Paris-Plague is beautiful city.

  
They both fell in love the very first moment they saw it. Eliott fell in love with everything there, Lucas fell in love with Eliott falling in love and Eliott fell in love again when he saw Lucas falling in love.

  
When they were there for a week, Lucas´ twenty-first birthday came.

  
Eliott takes him to the lighthouse Touquet and they climb all the stairs up. Once they´re there, the sun is just above the horizon, sky is pink and orange and red and purple and sea is blue, so blue, Eliott thinks almost as blue as Lucas´ eyes.

  
Almost.

  
He takes few pictures on the polaroid and then he hugs Lucas from behind around his shoulders and chest.

  
"Happy birthday, love," he says and kisses Lucas´ temple. "I love you so much."

  
"I love you," Lucas responds. "Thank you for bringing me here. I´m so happy," he kisses Eliott´s hand.

  
Eliott takes a deep breath as he watches Lucas´ face in this lighting. He looks unreal.

  
"Lucas?" he says. Lucas hums. "You know how much I love you, right?" Lucas laughs.

  
"Do you know how much _I_ love _you_?" he asks as an answer.

  
"But," Eliott says, "do you know, you´re the light of my life?" Lucas turns his head to look at him with so much love in his eyes, Eliott thinks he could explode right now. "Do you know you´re my life?" Eliott asks then and Lucas turns his whole body to face Eliott. "I´m not alive without you."

  
Lucas is breathless for a moment. "I´m not alive without you, either," he whispers.

  
Eliott holds him around his waist now and Lucas has his left hand around Eliott´s neck. The right one is still in brace, useless, but Lucas is already used to it.

  
"Do you know," says Eliott slowly, looking into his eyes, "you´re my heart?"

  
Lucas stares at him, blinks away the tears.

  
"You´re my home, Lucas," Eliott says.

  
"You´re my home, too, Eli," Lucas whispers.

  
Eliott is smiling. Eliott is smiling with adoration and thinks,_ what am I waiting for? Just, look at him! He looks heavenly._

  
_And he´s mine._

  
"Lucas, you´re the love of my life, you know?" he says and then "Will you marry me?"

  
And Lucas

Lucas can´t breathe for what feels like eternity

and then

when he looks into those beautiful sparkly eyes, he sees right into Eliott´s soul.

And it´s glowing

with every possible color and few impossible ones

and then

  
"Yes, Eliott, yes, my love, I will marry you. I will. I will," he says and kisses him and kisses him and kisses him and he can´t stop but it´s okay, because he doesn´t have to, like, never. And Eliott is so happy, he feels so happy he might combust if Lucas wouldn´t hold him so tightly and they´re both smiling so wide it´s impossible to kiss and Lucas burries his face into Eliott´s neck and they both crying from happines and when they pull away - Lucas mostly to look at that beautiful face again - Eliott brings his hand closer to Lucas and on his palm is this ring.

Simple silver ring.

  
And when Lucas looks closer, he sees those words inside.

_You´re my heart._

  
And when Eliott puts the ring on his left ringfinger, kisses his hand and also his soulmark, Lucas lets himself fall.

  
Lucas let himself fall

and fall

again and again

because he knows

that Eliott

will always

always

catch him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have short epilogue in my head about their Christmas but on the other side I don´t think anybody cares and also I might write new fic with that idea...hm?  
I don´t fucking know.
> 
> THANK YOU ALL FOR EVERYTHING.


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You´re literall snack," Lucas says against Eliott´s lips with smile in his voice. Eliott bursts into laughter, so loud, and Lucas is watching him, watching his glowing face and he can´t get enough of it.  
"Lu-Lucas," Eliott´s laughing, "you... you´re so full of crap," he can´t stop and Lucas joins him.  
"You love me anyways," he says and giggles, resting his chin on his hands, laying on Eliott´s chest.  
"Yes, I do," says Eliott. "I love you anyways," then Eliott smiles. "If I´m a snack," he says and brings his hands to Lucas´ hips, then a little more up, "then you are whole lunch."  
Then he starts tickling Lucas´ sides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I´m thinking about short christmas epilogue...  
Also me: so I wrote this monster in which christmas are mentioned like in whole two sentences, hope you´ll enjoy tho...  
Okay guys, here it is. Fuck, I can´t breathe. I´m hyperventilating.
> 
> Oh and hey, you´ll need this:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mc1ta1UMGeo
> 
> and also I found PERFECT LYRICS for Elu in this fic, here:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtvuFriX7zc  
(I put the lyrics to the end of this chapter)
> 
> TW: the cheesiest sappy shit you ever read

  
They weren't okay.  
They were so far from okay. Both of them.

Eliott's having a nightmares almost every night.

It always starts innocently. He keeps seeing yourself in Cambridge, sitting in a classroom, bright sun falling onto his desk from big pretty window, and he's happy in that moment. He's happy, because he's looking at that picture on his phonescreen, the most beautiful face from all - Lucas' face. Lucas' sleeping face.

And then his happines is covered with darkness and dust and all air is gone, loud noises in the background, loud shouts echo in his head, everything's falling down and _down_ on Eliott, because he doesn't run, he can't, his legs feel dead, he can't run.

Everything's falling on him and he's falling too and the photo is gone, Lucas' face is gone and he's lost, so _lost_ and then he wakes up, desperately gasping for air and Lucas is there.

He's always right _there_.

Or sometimes, it's different.

It's him again, running, running and running with throbbing head, running over the La Manche channel (don't fucking ask how he can walk on the water), running like he´d be in fire.

He's running through whole Paris, running to their apartment. And he can't, he can't continue anymore, his lungs are so small and he's breathing too fast and his legs turning into jelly, he's exhausted, but he knows he has to keep going. He _has to._

He runs all those stairs up on the roof and there's Lucas, in pool of dark, fucking dark blood, his skin is pale and cold, so freaking cold it feels like ice, when Eliott touches him. And his eyes are open and dead, not a single piece of blue, only black. Black deep holes.

Eliott's screaming his name but he doesn't move, he doesn't breathe, he's dead.

And then, Lucas turns his head in one creepy zombie move, black holes instead of his eyes lay on Eliott and his blue lips says in strange voice monotonely: _"Why weren't you here?"_

And Eliott screams: _"Lucas! Lucas! Please! Lucas please!"_

And he wakes up like that, calling for Lucas in their bedroom.

And Lucas is there, right there next to him, holding him.

He's always there.

  
"Eliott, Eliott, shhh, it was just a nightmare, it's okay, you're okay. I'm here. I'm here, love, shhh...," he's whispering into his ear, holding him tightly, kissing his head and never let go.

Eliott presses his face into Lucas' neck, breathing him in until his breath slows down, back to normal. He hugs Lucas' body and holds him so tightly that Lucas might not be able to breathe, but Eliott needs to. He _needs to._

And Lucas understands, holding him just as tightly while Eliott's breath coming back to normal.  
And it does, after some time.

Eliott feels Lucas' warm body, feels his chest goes up and down with every inhale and exhale, he feels Lucas' hands, strong and living, feels his breath tickling his ear, he hears his voice, truly _his_, sweet, familiar, not strange at all, and he's home.

  
...

  
No nightmares hunting Lucas in his sleep.

He doesn't sleep at all.

So they have no chance there.

  
Lucas can't sleep. And in fact, he doesn't want to. He's scared. He's scared that when he takes his eyes off of Eliott, he might dissapear.

So when they go to sleep, and he lays with his face burried to Eliott's neck, Eliott's hand on his back and other in his hair, or, mostly, on the side of his face, Lucas holds his forearm, to be sure. To be sure he's really _there_.

When Eliott falls asleep and he's shifting, Lucas lays next to him, his big eyes glued to him, never elsewhere.

They also let the light turned on. Lucas gave Eliott this moon lamp once on the Christmas and they let its light switched on all night. Because Lucas is afraid of the dark. He wasn't, earlier. But that changed. He was so scared tell as much to Eliott, but Eliott understands without words.  
He always understands.

Lucas is afraid of the dark, because last time he was in the dark, he thought Eliott is dead. Last time he was in the dark, he almost died. Last time he was in the dark, he was at the CT tunnel in hospital, alone, without Eliott.

So the moon lamp is shining and its light is calming. And Lucas doesn't sleep.

Eliott notices, of course, dark circles under his eyes. Lucas can see his concerned looks. Lucas feels Eliott´s thumbs stroking his cheeks and also those dark purple circles, gently, when Lucas stands in front of him in the kitchen or on the pavement or when he faces him in bed, or lays with him on the couch.

Lucas is so tired, so _tired_, all the time, that time to time he microsleeps during the day. It happened few times in bus, he passes his station and then he had to go back. It happened at work. It happened several times when he and Eliott were sitting on the couch, watching movie. He falls asleep just to wake up two minutes later with wince and sharp inhale, his hand snaps to Eliott and holds him, to ground himself. To feel he´s still there.

And Eliott always smiles - despite the fact he dies a little bit inside every time that happens - and takes his hand to his both, kisses it and holds it.

They're sitting on the couch right now, Upside Down plays in the tv, but neither of them pays attention.

Eliott's playing with Lucas´ fingers, with the ring on his ringfinger (Eliott has one too now, they match) and Lucas thinks.

  
He´s constantly coming back to the roof, in his thoughts.

Neither of them went there since their comeback from the hospital.  
It's already more than 3 months.  
Lucas' pulse fastens a little everytime he walks by the door leading up there.

  
His broken hand is healed.

Well, maybe not completely. Yesterday, when he cooked dinner and he was putting out the plates (new, grey, really pretty), one of them just slipped out from his hand and ended up broken on the floor.

Eliott ran to the kitchen to see what happened and he found Lucas staring at those broken pieces, hands shaking.

"Lucas, are you alright?" he asked but Lucas apparantely didn't hear him. "Lucas?" he asked again and slowly came closer to him. Eliott reached out to hold one od his shaking hands.

"What?" Lucas asked and his eyes snapped to Eliott with confusion, like he just then realized Eliott was there, too.

"Are you okay?" Eliott said, holding his hand in both his.

Lucas looked down to the broken plate.

"Eliott, I'm so sorry, I broke it, I broke our new plate," he said and kneeled down to pick up the pieces.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, it's just a plate," said Eliott and picked up those shards faster than Lucas. "What about I'll set the table and you play some music?" Eliott smiled as he threw the grey shards into garbage.

Lucas stood there for a few seconds longer and then he went and switched on the radio.

"It smells so good, what is it?" Eliott asked as he put two plates on the table, glasses and forks and then he went for some napkins.

"What?" asked Lucas quietly.

"What did you cook?" Eliott repeated softly.

"Um... Chicken pieces with grilled vegetable," said Lucas, still a little off.

"Can't wait," Eliott came to him, kissed his cheek. "Thank you for dinner, love," he kissed him again and again and again until he saw the little smile spreading on Lucas' face.

So yeah, his hand is okay but isn´t. His left one has long pink scar on the inner forearm. Almost healed. Almost. But Lucas knew it never really dissapears.

  
Lucas stares at it now, at the scar, as Eliott holds that hand, his fingers are drawing into his open palm.

  
Lucas stares at the scar and thinks about the roof. Thinks about what could have happened if Eliott didn't come in time. Thinks about what could have happened if the plane was late or the traffic in Paris was stuck that night. Or what could have happened if he didn't pick up that damn phone. Eliott would called him few hours later and everything would be alright.

  
Lucas thinks about that possibility he could be dead. Eliott could find him dead.  
And he knows, Lucas knows, that Eliott would react the same way as Lucas in that situation. He would lose his damn mind.

  
Well, Lucas _did_ lose his damn mind after Lucille's phonecall. He did.  
But finding someone you love like that in the pool of their own blood... That's absolutely crazy.  
Lucas gets it, why Eliott has this nightmares. He gets it. And now, when he thinks about it, it's his fault.

  
Oh god.

  
It's his fucking fault.

  
Every bad thing in Eliott's life is his damn fault.

  
Yeah, okay, Cambridge wasn't his fault but... Kinda maybe too?

  
It was him who forced Eliott to go there. It was _him_. Fuck, he was trying not to be selfish and _look_ at him. Look at what happened.

  
Eliott almost _died_.

  
Lucas shakes with that thought.

How could he live without him?  
He couldn't, that's why he wanted ended it in the first place.

  
_Oh fuck._

  
What if he´d really died back then?

  
Eliott would be forced to live without him, alone, devastated.

  
How the roof looks like right now, after more than 3 months? Is there big black spot of his dried blood? Or rain already washed it away?

  
He ruined their favourite place. How could they go back there and watch stars in peace when they remember what happened up there?

  
_Fuck fuck fuck._

  
Lucas thinks and thinks and Eliott notices. He draws nonsenses into Lucas' palm and watches Lucas' face. He clearly zoned out. He's lost in thoughts, Eliott knows. Lucas does it pretty often.

  
Then Eliott feels Lucas' hands shaking.

  
He squeezes his left hand in his, tightly. Lucas bites his bottom lip, little frown appears between his eyebrows.

"Lucas," Eliott says softly not to scare him, but Lucas... nothing. He's staring at that long scar on his forearm. It happened that Lucas wears long-sleeved shirts over his t-shirts now. Today is just really hot September day and they are at home this day since morning, they didn´t go anywhere, so Lucas didn´t even change from the t-shirt he was wearing as pajamas in the just as hot night. He sees the slightly red line on his forearm clearly, now.

  
All Eliott hates about it is the fact, that this is all-time-reminder of the worst thing that ever happened to them and it won´t dissapear any time soon and maybe never fully, and Lucas has to see that every fucking day, awful reminder on his own body, making him sad, so so _sad_, taking him back all over again to the worst night of his (their) life.

  
Eliott lifts that hand up, slowly, kisses his knuckles, then his palm, then the veins on Lucas' inner wrist.

  
"Come back to me, love," says Eliott and reaches out to caress Lucas' cheek gently.

  
"What?" says Lucas, blinking.

  
"Come back to me," Eliott repeats and smiles at him, as Lucas' big blue eyes focus on Eliott's face.

  
"I'm here," says Lucas. "I'm here," he repeats but he's not.

  
He's _not_.

  
Eliott smiles again as he caresses his cheek for a few more seconds and then he picks up Lucas' legs, pulls for them to bring Lucas closer to him and places them across his lap.

  
Eliott looks Lucas in the eyes, searching there for a while and Lucas leans his side into the couch and lays his head there, left cheek squished by the backrest of the couch.

  
Lucas´ eyes are darker now. They are darker since they were in hospital in June. Eliott noticed that before, he noticed that at the very moment Lucas opened them on the hospital bed. He thought it´s temporarily, because Lucas suffered so much and cried so much and was so terrified. But no, it´s like that since then all the time. It stayed like that. For good.

  
Lucas´ eyes was blue like a sky, before. Eliott was looking into them and felt like he would reaching the gate of heaven.

Now, they are darker, like a stormy sea. Like the day sky and night sky mixed their colors together in the most beautiful way.

  
Eliott loves them. Eliott loves Lucas. What Eliott doesn´t love is the fact that Lucas still isn´t able to sleep at night.

  
He´s so tired. Eliott can see that. He´s blinking slowly and the dark circles under his eyes on pale skin are making him look like a ghost.

  
Beautiful ghost. Probably the most beautiful ghost ever. But still a ghost, it´s not right.

  
"What are you thinking about?" asks Eliott.

  
Lucas doesn´t respond for a long time. Eliott is about to repeat his question, because Lucas maybe didn´t hear him? But then Lucas blinks and looks at Eliott like he notices just now Eliott is there too.

  
"Eliott, sweetheart, I need to tell you something," Lucas starts and squeezes his hand. Eliott squeezes back.

  
"Okay," says Eliott and smiles at him. Yes, he´s smiling at him a lot, but would you blame him? Lucas is the light of his life. And what can people do while they are forced to watch their light to slowly shining less and less. He´s just trying to light him up again. More. More. The most.

  
"I-," Lucas inhales, then exhales, "I made one decision and I would like you to know."

  
"I´m listenning," says Eliott, giving Lucas his full attention.

  
Lucas takes a deep breath. Then another. And then he looks into Eliott´s eyes and sees all those stars in them.  
_That´s it._

  
"I don´t want to continue in my bio studies anymore, I want to change my major for new semester," says Lucas in rush.

  
Eliott looks at him with surprise. "What? Really?" Lucas nods. "What do you want to study, then? I thought you like biochemistry. You´re such a nerdie," Eliott giggles and kisses Lucas´ hand again.

  
"I would like to study astronomy," says Lucas hesitantly. He´s kind of scared of Eliott´s reaction. But why? Eliott is his biggest supporter, in everything. Why should he react badly?

Don´t ask. Lucas doesn´t know. He´s just scared.

  
"Are you serious?" asks Eliott and Lucas still doesn´t know if it´s in a good or a bad way.

  
"Yes. Yes I am. I was thinking about it a lot."

  
"Why?" asks Eliott with a little frown. _Why Lucas didn´t tell me before, if he was thinking about it apparantely a lot lately?_

  
"I want to learn about universe. I want to get to know him. And all his secrets. I want to...," Lucas´ eyes light up even more and Eliott could swear he never saw something this breathtaking. "I want to find out and confirm the theory of parallel universes," he says so so so quietly.

  
"Parallel universes?"

  
"Yes."

  
"Why?"

  
Lucas smiles at Eliott and then the smile was gone and he was completely serious.

  
"Because that´s not a single fucking universe in which I wouldn´t love you like I do in this one."

  
Seriously, _what the fuck._

  
Eliott always thought that _he_ is the romantic soul in their relantionship. But look at this little boy._ Look at his boy._ Look at the love of his life, oh lord, what is he hiding all the time?

Eliott knows now.

He´s apparantely hiding the truth about being the most amazing person in this universe, and, oh, sorry, in _all_ universes what ever existed.

  
"Lucas," Eliott whispers and leans in to kiss him. Lucas´ lips, his favourite thing in this world, soft and maybe a little dry but sweet, the sweetest thing in this world.

  
Lucas can breathe again. He said that. He said that and Eliott is apparantely okay with that according the fact that he´s kissing Lucas like he´d be proud of him. Gently, surely, wonderfuly. Eliott brings his hand to Lucas´ cheek and Lucas does the same to Eliott. They´re looking into each other´s eyes and they feel complete.

  
"Why didn´t you tell me sooner?" asks Eliott softly after long time, stroking the soft soft soft skin on Lucas´ face.

  
Lucas sighs and looks down. "I was scared."

  
Eliott frowns. "Scared? But love, why? You know you can tell me anything," he says and kisses his nose.

  
"I know, I know that, I just... I don´t know, I was scared you would be dissapointed that I don´t want to be... I don´t even know... a doctor, anymore," little blush starts to creep into Lucas´ cheeks, it´s getting warmer under Eliott´s fingers. "I don´t want to be any bigger dissapointment for you," Lucas adds in whisper.

  
"Lucas! You would _never_ be a dissapointment for me, what the fuck?" Eliott says, horrified. "What did I do to made you feel this way? When I made you feel like this?"

  
"Never, never! Eliott, never, you´re always so understanding, kind, loving and supporting and you never made me feel like that, ever!" says Lucas in rush and his hands embrace Eliott´s arm to keep him in place. _Like Eliott would want to move away from him, pfft, what a silly thought_. "It´s just maybe because of that. I told myself, when I´ll cross the line and it will be too much for you... I guess... I don´t know. I don´t know, there are shitty thoughts in my head and I can´t stop them, it´s just _there_ I-"

"Lucas, love, shh...," Eliott says, cupping his face, resting their forheads together for a moment until Lucas´ breath comes back to normal. Then he looks him in the eyes again. More blue than the ocean around Maldives. "I need you to listen to me clearly now, okay?" Eliott says and waits until Lucas nods. "I love you more than I could ever even explain. I love you so much, Lucas, you´re the best thing that ever happened to me and I´m never not proud of you, okay?" He says with urgent in his voice. He just needs Lucas to understand. For good.

  
"Eli-"

  
"Let me say that," Eliott shakes his head, tips of their noses brush against each other with that movement. "Lucas, I don´t want you to be a doctor, I don´t want you to be a scientist, I don´t want you to be anything but _happy_. Happy, do you hear me?"

  
Lucas´ eyes are full of tears now, he closes them and sniffs.

  
"I love you I love you I love you," he whispers with closed eyes and Eliott´s heart squeezes in his chest.

  
"I love you too," he says and kisses the corner of Lucas´ mouth.

  
You know, kiss to the corner of your mouth is something different, Lucas thinks. It´s so intimate, private, it´s so sweet and caring, it´s whole new experience, the softness, all the love the person shows you by that act. When Eliott does that to Lucas, he feels the electricity runs through his body and he just wants to melt into him.

  
It´s just that since the very beginning of summer, since May and June happened, Lucas really hates hospitals. He would be a bad doctor, when he hates hospitals, no? He can´t be in there. He hates it. He hates everything about it. He hates the steril rooms and corridors, he hates the test rooms, he hates the dark room with even darker CT tunnel. He hates people are there alone. He never wants to come back there.

  
"What now?" asks Eliott softly and interrupts Lucas´ thoughts.

  
"What?"

  
"How can we do that, change your major? New semester starts in a few weeks."

  
_We_. How can _we_ do that._ It´s all about us,_ Lucas thinks. It´s all about Eliott and him, it´s all about _us_. How can _we_ do that.

  
"I... kinda did that, already," says Lucas and bites his lip.

  
"What?"

  
"In July. I wasn't sure at first, because it's a big step, but I was thinking about it and I sent my application to college about moving to another faculty and they accepted my request, just like that, because I had perfect results in all exams. And perfect results during all year," Lucas adds the last thing with shy smile on his face and Eliott thinks he never saw someone more pure.

  
"You're such a nerd," he says with pride, grinning wide. "My boyfriend is the smartest person in the world."

  
"I'm most definitely not," Lucas says and hides his face in Eliott's shoulder.

  
"You most definitely are," says Eliott, runs his fingers through Lucas soft chocolate brown hair. "And definitely the most beautiful."

  
"You are," whispers Lucas to his collar bone and kisses him there. Eliott shivers.

  
"Stop fighting with the truth," Eliott breathes out and his hand slips from Lucas' hair to his neck and under the collar of his t-shirt. He feels Lucas' hand on his thigh goes up to his hip and down again.

  
"You stop," says Lucas and presses his lips to Eliott's neck. Eliott sighs.

  
"You stop," he says weakly and closes his eyes.

  
"You want me to stop?" Lucas breathes against the now wet skin on Eliott's neck.

  
"No," he gasps breathlessly, playing with the hair on the back of Lucas' neck. "No, I don't want that. Never," he feels Lucas' smile on his skin.

  
Lucas presses little kisses up his neck, his jaw, his chin and then to the corner of his lips. And he thinks, _yeah, it's amazing being kissed there and it's amazing kissing someone there. _  
Not someone.  
_Eliott_.

  
"Do that again," Eliott's breath catches.

  
"What?" Lucas asks, looks up at Eliott. He's there with closed eyes, blissful expression, biting his lips, looking ethereal.

  
"Do that again," he repeats and Lucas leans closer, slowly, pressing his lips to the corner of Eliott's, staying there a little longer, feeling Eliott's hands in his hair. "Lucas," he whispers and Lucas takes his legs off Eliott's lap just to sit there properly.

  
"God, Eliott, you're so beautiful," he says and kisses his suddenly-blushing cheeks. Adorable.

  
"Not as much as you," whispers Eliott and tugs for the hem of Lucas' t-shirt. Lucas doesn't waste any time and takes it off, his hair even messier after that act. Then he removes Eliott's shirt too, kissing the place between his neck and shoulder, the place where he loves to sleep. The place where he feels safe. The place where he feels home.  
"Lucas, Lucas.." Eliott breathes out, cupping his face, bringing it closer to his and kisses him, hot lips pressed to hot lips, tongue dancing with tongue. Lucas grabs Eliott´s hair tightly and presses his body even closer to Eliott, to his lap and Eliott moans to his mouth. "Fuck," Eliott whispers, tilts his head backwards to the backrest of the couch, eyes closed, parted lips, breathing fast, hands grip Lucas´ hips, pulling him closer to his own.

  
Lucas is watching him for a moment, the skin on his exposed neck, his fluttering eyelids with dark curled eyelashes, his hair falling to his forehead. He puts his hands on Eliott´s bare chest and he feels Eliott´s heart beating, strong, powerful, kind and wonderful.

  
Lucas runs his hands down to Eliott´s abs and back up to his neck, then slowly down again and starts unfolding his belt. Eliott looks up at him and his eyes are filled with fire which Lucas loves so much.

  
"Eliott...," Lucas whispers and Eliott understands. He hears everything in that one word, he hears everything Lucas wants to tell him, he hears every little thought of Lucas.

  
"Lucas, bedroom," he says and tries to get up, but Lucas´ lips are on his neck again and he can´t focus. "Lucas...," he whispers.

  
"Mhm," Lucas hums, licking his earlobe, then bites to it. Eliott hisses and his eyes go so back to his head that he almost sees his own brain, or he will, soon, if Lucas will continue like this.

  
"Fuck," he breathes out. "Lucas, bedroom, now."

  
Lucas gets up from his lap with a last peck to his lips and then tugs his hand to help him stand up, cute little smug smile on his cute little face that Eliott might not be able to handle all the way to their bedroom on steady legs.

  
Then Lucas almost runs to bedroom, giggling and Eliott loves him, he _loves_ him, runs after him, catches him few steps away from bed, wrapping his hands around Lucas´ waist and jumps to bed with him, both laughing like idiots in love.

  
"Eliott," Lucas is laughing, his back pressed to Eliott´s chest, which is shaking with laughter, too. Lucas is laughing and Eliott´s listening and can´t get enough of it.

  
"Come here," says Eliott, turning Lucas in his arms. "Come here, love."

  
Lucas turns around to face his boyfriend, kisses him, his hands gripping Eliott´s arms, pulling himself up and closer, his legs between Eliott´s.

  
"You´re literall snack," Lucas says against Eliott´s lips with smile in his voice. Eliott bursts into laughter, so loud, and Lucas is watching him, watching his glowing face and he can´t get enough of it.

  
"Lu-Lucas," Eliott´s laughing, "you... you´re so full of crap," he can´t stop and Lucas joins him.

  
"You love me anyways," he says and giggles, resting his chin on his hands, laying on Eliott´s chest.

  
"Yes, I do," says Eliott. "I love you anyways," then Eliott smiles. "If I´m a snack," he says and brings his hands to Lucas´ hips, then a little more up, "then you are whole lunch."

Then he starts tickling Lucas´ sides.

  
"No!" Lucas screams, laughing. "No, no, stop it, stop it!" he yells at him. "Stop it, Eliott, please!" but Eliott giggles and doesn´t stop. He lives for moments like this.

  
And Lucas lives for them too.

  
....

Eliott figured it out.

  
He was thinking and thinking and he figured it out.

  
Why is Lucas always so sad and tense. Why he can´t sleep at night, why Eliott´s having a nightmares (still, months later), why they can´t find the peace that people should find in places they called "home".

  
It´s this flat.

  
It´s all in this flat.

  
Well, okay, not all, big part is post-traumatic stress, but this flat is really huge part of it.

  
Everything happened here. Lucas´ breakdown, the broken things, the wall he punched, the roof,_ the fucking roof_ \- earlier it was their favourite place and now they are scared to go there.   
They used to love it up there.  
Now?  
Every time Eliott walks by the door leading to the roof, his heart speeds up and he almost runs through the door to their flat to hug Lucas. He knows Lucas feels the same. He has always this tense painful expression on his face, when they walk home together, passing the door.

  
It´s not right. Eliott hates it. Lucas hates it too, obviously.

  
But Lucas never says anything. Eliott knows why. He´s too kind, too good, he knows this was firstly Eliott´s flat and he doesn´t want to get it away from Eliott by telling him that he hates it here.

  
Eliott painted the red bloody spot on the wall two days after they were back from hospital. He took his white acrylic paint and covered it.

  
It was still visible. No matter how many layers he put there, it was obvious what was there before.

  
It´s this flat.

  
They don´t have a chance to feel good, normal, happy, in peace, when they´re staying here.

  
Last time they felt fully happy and in peace was their vacation in Le Touquet-Paris-Plague. Months ago.

  


So, since October, Eliott starts searching for new place to live.

  
New home.

  
He didn´t tell that to Lucas. He wants to surprise him. He wants to find it, find a perfect place for them and then he´ll just show him.

  
...

  
He can´t find anything.

  
_Fuck_.

  
Eliott searches on internet, he walks through the city looking for insertions, he also rings at buildings he likes, asking if they have an empty apartment for rent or sale.

  
_Nothing_.

  
He already put their current flat to sell and plenty of people call him in interest. It´s really jackpot, their flat. Pretty new apartment building, access to the roof, good location.  
He´s not surprised that people want it. Also he´s relieved Lucas has plenty of studying because otherwise he would notice. He would figure it out pretty fast. He´s smart. He´s the smartest.

  
Eliott doesn´t know what to do.

  
He´s desperate. He can´t even count how many those walks he did, how many hours he spent on his laptop searching, Lucas´ legs across his lap while they study together. Yeah, that´t what Lucas thinks Eliott´s doing. Study. But nope, Eliott´s looking for available flat.  
He can´t count how many hours he spent by doing this for whole October and November.

  
Nobody can imagine how hard it is to keep this secret from Lucas. Eliott is used to telling him _everything_, always. And now he just can´t.  
Oh, no, he _can_, but... he _can´t,_ understand?   
He can´t, he wants that for the two of them, he wants new start. He wants Lucas to be happy, it´s not necessary to worrying him with any of this.

  
...

  
It´s December.

  
Lucas, the nerd he is (the cutest most adorable beautiful nerd in this world but still nerd and Eliott loves him so much don´t worry), takes all his exams earlier than would be necessary. So he´s studying all the time and Eliott loves watching him. He doesn´t even look like he has to study, he looks like he´s reading the most fascinating thing, the most interesting book full of hiden secrets. He´s obviously enjoying it a lot.

  
Every few minutes he pokes Eliott with his foot, gently, with excited: "Eliott, hey, Eliott, did you know that in space is this giant cloud made from alcohol? Seriously. It´s called Sagittarius B, situated near the centre of the Milky Way and there are like dozens billions litres of alcohol in it. That´s so sick."  
or  
"Hey, Eliott, this is, oh my god, listen, the highest mountain in our solar systhem is on Mars and it´s called Olympus Mons. It´s in fact huge volcano and it´s 26 kilometres high! Do you hear me? Twenty-fucking-six kilometres. Its diameter is 624 kilometres Eliott! It could cover almost whole France!"

and Eliott loves him more and more with every single minute.

  
...

  
It´s 14 days to Christmas and Eliott walks back from one of his searching jurneys across the city, back to university campus to pick Lucas up from his late class, when he saw it. Piece of paper, looking old, it´s there for a while probably, taped under the bus stop sign.

  
It´s an ad for available apartment. There are pieces with phone number to take and only one is gone. Eliott takes another one, takes a photo of that paper with already pale words and then he searches the address on google.

And truly, he doesn´t fucking know why apparantely nobody wants it. It´s like 20 minutes away from uni to the other direction than they live now. He has to try it.

  
He´s googling it, watching with the earthview on google maps how the building looks like while he´s walking to uni, when someone jumps on his back and almost sends him to the ground with that.

  
"Fuck!" Eliott yells and hears the cutest giggles in his ear.

  
"Hi!" Lucas gives him a little sweet peck on his cheek and slips down from his back.

  
"Hi, love, I missed you," says Eliott with wide grin and cups his face to kiss him properly.

  
"Miss you more," says Lucas between kisses and then he hugs Eliott around his middle, burries his face to the fluffy scarf around Eliott´s neck.

  
"Impossible," says Eliott, inhales deeply the sweet scent of Lucas´ hair, holding him tightly around his shoulders.

  
"I have it," says Lucas, words muffled by the fluffy fabric.

  
"What?"

  
"I´m done."

  
"With what?"

  
Lucas pulls away to look into his eyes. "I did it, the last exam, today, I´m done, I have it, and I passed, like this," Lucas raises his hand and snaps his fingers. Shakes his head like he can´t quite believe it. Eliott stares at him, takes in the disbelief in his wide dark blue eyes, his parted lips with a little hint of smile in the left corner.

  
"What?" Eliott breathes out. "Are you kidding me?" he raises his eyebrows, staring at him because _what the fuck Lucas is- _  
"Lucas," Eliott cups his face, shakes his head, little laugh escapes his mouth but the rest of it catches in his throat. He leans down and presses his lips to Lucas´. "Oh my god, Lucas," he mumbles to his mouth. "You´re such a freaking nerd," he said and then he pulls away to laugh and hugs Lucas so tightly he might not be able to breathe but whatever because-  
"You´re literally the smartest person alive!"

  
Lucas laughs out loud. "I´m not, stop!"

  
"Yes you ARE! HEY! EVERYBODY! MY FIANCÉ IS THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THIS FREAKING UNIVERSE, oh my god!!" Eliott screams there, on the street, people passing by are looking at them, mostly amused.

  
"Oh my god, stoooop!" Lucas whines, covers Eliott´s mouth with his palm and tries to hold back his own laughter.

  
Eliott´s smiling so wide, kisses Lucas´ palm and brings his arm around his shoulders.

  
"Let´s go," he says, grabs Lucas´ hand behind his back, brings it around his own waist. "Let´s go get a cake to celebrate your big ass success," he says, kisses Lucas´ temple and Lucas might be tearing up a little, because _big ass success_ were his own words back in April, when Eliott told him about the art program in Cambridge.

  
"It´s nothing, I already knew half of the stuff in exam from my childhood, really, it´s-"

  
"Don´t do it," says Eliott in suddenly serious voice. "Don´t make it smaller than it really is," he adds and Lucas can´t speak over the big lump in his throat. The fact that Eliott remembers and uses the same words as Lucas months ago makes him an emotional mess.

  
So he kisses Eliott´s hand and they go for the cake.

  
...

  
Eliott couldn´t believe it.

It´s literally unbelievable, it´s, fuck, it´s a fucking dream.

Oh god oh god oh god oh god-

He found it.

The _flat_.

THE _flat_.

And it´s... it´s absolutely perfect.

  
5 days until Christmas should come, Eliott tells Lucas he has a surprise for him.

  
"What surprise?" Lucas asks carefully.

  
"How can you possibly think I tell you that?" asks Eliott and ties the soft thin silk scarf around his head to cover his eyes.

  
"Oh, oh!" Lucas gasps in realization. "So now is the time for your Fifty Shades of Grey fantasy?"

  
Eliott laughs. "No! Lucas," he says and laughs again. "No, come," he takes his hand and leads him to the front door, stops there to put their coats and shoes on.

  
"Eliott, couldn´t you let me dressed by myself and after that cover my eyes?" Lucas asks after he almost fell when Eliott tried to put his shoes on.

  
"Hm...," Eliott didn´t think of it, really. He´s excited. He can´t wait. "No," he says after a while because he´s not going to admit his mistake now, no?

  
Lucas giggles and sighs.

  
Eliott leads him out to the waiting cab. He hands a piece of paper with address to the driver to not tell it out loud in front of Lucas. The driver looks at him in rearview mirror, then at Lucas with covered eyes, then he nods and drives.

  
...

  
"Come, few more stairs," Eliott´s tugging Lucas by his hands.

  
"Eliott, that was already like seven floors, where are we going? To fucking astronomy tower?" Lucas says, breathless.

  
"No," Eliott says and laughs, okay, Lucas is fucking hilarious. He stops, unlocks the door (he borrowed the key from the landlord for today) and leads Lucas inside.

  
"Where are we, Eliott, tell me," Lucas pleads and then groans. "I think I´m already blind for good, I have it on my eyes for an hour at least."

  
"Actually just 33 minutes," Eliott corrects him, situated Lucas to the middle of the room and stands behind him. "Are you ready?" he whispers to his ear.

  
"I don´t know... but bring it to me," says Lucas and Eliott takes the scarf off, watching his reaction.

  
Lucas´ blinking for long time, palms his eyes and blinking again. "Fuck, Eliott, I can´t see shit, I´m blind," he complains and then he finally looks.

  
They are in the living room: brick walls, dark floor, vintage furniture, beige comfy-looking couch in front of a fireplace.  
In front of  
fucking  
f.i.r.e.p.l.a.c.e.

  
French windows instead of one whole wall, leading to the roof.   
Yes. To the roof.   
It´s actually garden on the roof, really, little trees and grass and garden swing bench and everything, not very available to use it in this moment, in December, it´s freaking freezing.   
But it´s there.

  
Lucas is speechless, turning around, taking everything in.

  
"What do you think?" asks Eliott hesitantly.

  
"About what?"

  
"About this," Eliott throws his hands around. "About us, living here." Lucas snaps his eyes to him with shock. "Lucas, I mean, I´m sorry I didn´t ask you first, I´m sorry I didn´t tell you sooner, but I´ve been searching for new place for us for months and when I found this, I mean, look at it! It´s perfect! This is living room with fucking fireplace!" he points at it. Then he takes few steps, gestures Lucas to go with him. Lucas does.  
"This is the kitchen, look, for you, it´s perfect, I mean, I imagined you cooking here and it was perfect."

  
It really is. Perfect, that is. Renovated brick walls everywhere looking so aesthetic and comfy and warm. And safe. The kitchen counter and shelves in dark wood. Kitchen island is a little smaller here than in their current flat but prettier. Much prettier.

  
"Come," Eliott tugs his arm and leads him to another room with big bed, nightstands, tv on the wall and read window. _There is freaking read window!_ "The bedroom, isn´t it amazing?" Eliott asks and leads him away again, shows him the bathroom. "I mean, Lucas, there´s another person in interest of this flat but I promise I´ll do everything to get it, because it´s amazing, I... I mean... Why don´t you say anything? I mean... uh... do you like it?" he asks quietly.

  
"Eliott...," Lucas whispers with big round eyes.

  
"I know I know, but I promise I´ll meet with the other person who wants this place too and-"

  
"It´s me," says Lucas.

  
"What?"

  
"Eliott, it´s me."

  
Eliott doesn´t get it. "What are you?"

  
"Eliott! Fuck! Come here!" he tugs Eliott by his hand to one closed door and opens them, steps inside. "Look, Eliott, this could be your atelier, see?" he gestures to two big windows and glass door between them leading to the balcony. "It´s perfect lightning for your work. Look. And here, the library," he points at one wall made just from bookshelves from the bottom to the top and armchair in front of it. "Or whatever you want, really, it doesn´t matter," Lucas waves with his hand.

  
"Lucas, what are you talking about?" Eliott is confused and awestruck.

  
"Eliott, it´s me!" says Lucas, walking towards him. "It´s me, the other person who wants this place. I´ve been searching for new flat too, I felt like... I felt like we are suffocating in our current place, I´m sorry, I didn´t want to tell you because it´s your flat and-"

  
"No! I felt the same thing, we _are_ suffocating there, that´s absolutely true," says Eliott in rush, grabs Lucas hands in his own. "You little mysterious bastard! How could you keep it from me for so long?" Eliott laughs in disbelief.

  
"How could _you_?" asks Lucas and pokes him to his chest playfully.

  
"Oh my god, Lucas, we are really made for each other," Eliott says softly with heart eyes, mirroring Lucas´ expression.

  
"I guess we are," says Lucas, brings his hands around Eliott´s neck, pulls him down to kiss.

  
...

  
Then it goes really fast.

  
The next day their flat is sold and they recieved not really small amount of money the day after (they could bath in it actually, if they didn´t have to pay for their new amazing beautiful flat - no regrets.) They sign the contract for their new place and they move in (they don't own so many stuff, Eliott's hoodies occupying the most of the space), 2 days left till Christmas.

  
"Welcome home, baby," Eliott whispers to Lucas when they´re laying on the couch, the evening before Christmas day, Lucas on top of him, sleepy, both of them, as they´re watching the real fire, because they have fucking fireplace now.

  
"Welcome home, love," says Lucas back and kisses Eliott´s heart.

  
...

  
On the Christmas noon, Eliott comes home with big ass Christmas tree (as Lucas would call it).

  
He steps to the flat, panting, because he had to bring it up all 8 floors (yes, they live in eighth floor, fuck it, it´s worth it, they´re in the highest flat _oh god_), because he didn´t want to wait for elevator, and, honestly, the tree wouldn´t fit in that small place, anyways.

  
Eliott immediately feels the warmth of home, warmth of Lucas' presence and also this wonderful smell of Lucas' homemade food.

  
He smiles because the word on his mind warming him from inside.

  
_Home_.

  
...

  
Lucas loves his new kitchen (okay it's Eliott's too but... It's _his_, you know?) and he loves cooking there.

  
He starts preparing their Christmas dinner early, because he can't wait any longer.

  
Eliott is gone for something, didn't really tell Lucas what for, and Lucas plugs his phone to speakers in kitchen and plays Beatles songs to make him some company.

  
It's so peaceful. Cooking and singing, because yes, he knows lyrics, of course he does.

  
He cuts the turkey meat to bigger pieces (he and Eliott really don't need whole turkey to eat), adds some spieces (he experiences a little but he definitely does know what he's doing) and makes his own marinade, put it into the bowl and to fridge.

Then he makes french traditional Christmas desert bûche de Noël. He never had it at home. Never. But since he's with Eliott, he's making it for Christmas every year. Eliott loves it. After all, it's mostly chocolate.

  
Then he hears some shuffling from the corridor, but he doesn't really pay attention, because his favourite song from The Beatles starts.  
It's his favourite, because it reminds him Eliott.

  
"Here comes the sun, tu du du du, here comes the sun and I say... it's alright," Lucas sings with the music, fingers play to invisible instrument in the air.

  
When he turns around, Eliott is there, leaning against the wall, in his face more adoration than Lucas can handle. Wide grin appears on his face and he sings with the music to Eliott.

  
"Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces...," and Eliott thinks he might rip his own cheeks with how wide he's smiling now. "Little darling, it seems like years since it´s been here..."

  
And then Lucas has his arms around Eliott´s neck and sings to his ear.

  
"Here comes the sun, tu du du du, here comes the sun and I say, it's alright," and then "Merry Christmas, love."

  
"Merry Christmas," Eliott whispers back and kisses him. "It smells so good in here, oh my god, can we have an early dinner, please?"

  
"If you want, we can," says Lucas, brushes few strands of hair away from those wonderful star eyes.

  
"I brought you something, come, take a look," Eliott grabs his hand, leading him to the living room and there is this tall green Christmas tree, smelling like a fairytale.

  
They had Christmas trees before. Small ones, on the table in their old living room. These are their third Christmas together and they never had this tall and this beautiful tree, ever before.

  
"Oh my god, Eliott," Lucas eyes start tearing up.

  
"Do you like it?" Eliott asks, hugs him from behind, resting his chin on Lucas' shoulder.

  
"I love it, thank you," Lucas says softly. "I never had a Christmas tree as a kid," Lucas confesses.

  
"What?" it's breaking Eliott's heart. "Really?" Lucas nods. "Why didn´t you tell me sooner? We could have had real big Christmas tree before," Eliott says in sad voice and Lucas doesn´t want to hear that, especially not on a Christmas day.

  
He shakes his head, turns around in Eliott´s arms and hugs him tightly around his middle.

"I never needed it," says Lucas right to his heart. "I needed you."

  
...

  
"Lucas, I swear, this is the best thing I´ve ever ate," says Eliott with full mouth. "And probably ever will."

  
Lucas´ watches him, amused, in love, he reaches his hand to wipe off the sauce of Eliott´s left cheek.

  
Eliott´s eating his third plate of food currently. He doesn´t seem to stop any time soon.

  
"Eliott, you´ll be sick from the huge amount of food you already ate. Stop it," says Lucas, not for the first time.

  
"Not gonna happen," says Eliott, shoves another full spoon to his mouth. "It´s delicious, I love it, love it! Thank you, oh my god!" Eliott moans with pleasure and Lucas has to hold back his laugh.

  
This boy is unbelievable.

  
After Eliott finally finished his meal (and only because Lucas took all things away from the table and hid it in the fridge and oven, because he´s really worried Eliott might be sick from it), they´re sitting on their couch, watching their Christmas tree. They didn´t have any Christmas decoration to put it on the tree, so Eliott took his glitter tubes (yes, he´s an artist, he has a glitter tubes at home), silver and blue and throws them all over the tree.

  
It looks much better like this.

  
"May I give you your present?" Eliott asks and Lucas smiles.

  
"You may," he says and straighten himself on the couch. Eliott goes to his atelier and comes back with square shaped package.

  
"Merry Christmas," he leans down and kisses Lucas, his lips sweet and still a little chocolate from the desert he had a while ago.

  
"Thank you," says Lucas and carefully unfolds the blue paper with little silver snowflakes on it.

  
And there

is this book.

In brown leather cover.

  
Lucas slowly opens it and his breath catches in his throat because there were drawings, on every single page, drawings and paitings, charcoal, pen, paint, and every other possible style of art.

  
On the first double-page there is breathtaking acrylic painting of the universe, planets and stars and big shiny moon, and one specific planet with little raccoon and hedgehog sitting on it, watching the moon.

  
"This is... this is how I feel with you," says Eliott softly. "Like we have our own world and we don´t need anything, just each other."

  
Lucas doesn´t look up, not yet, he´s afraid he starts crying. It´s so freaking beautiful.

  
On one page there is drawing of his sleeping face. On the other, there is London´s double-decker with little raccoon holding umbrella, sitting on it. Next page is showing Eiffel tower with small hedgehog on the top, holding it like king-kong. On the other page there is watercolor painting of big blue eyes. And grey ones, under it. There is sketch of Lucas in the kitchen. There is drawing of the two of them, curled on the couch together. There is drawing of Lucas in white buttoned shirt and converse with plate of fries in his hand. There is drawing of Lucas in his black coat, legs covered by snow, standing under the streetlamp while it´s snowing outside.  
_Their first kiss._  
There is the picture of them in the school corridor, Lucas´ textbooks and stuff all around the floor and they have eyes only for each other.  
There is painting of hand holding Lucas´ grey scarf.  
And dozens more. Lucas is overhelmed.  
It´s their life together.

  
"Eliott," he whispers after what seems like eternity. He looks up and meets with star eyes, shiny and outworldly gorgeous. "I have no words," says Lucas. "This is the... this is... I don´t know what is that, actually," he laughs and Eliott joins him. "I´ve never thought about the possibility to have this, _this_, you, this _love_, in my life, _home_ like this, with you, I love you, I love you more than words can say, thank you, thank you for being the best person in all the universes and thank you for being _here_, for being with me, for loving me. I don´t know what I did to deserve you, but, thank you, Eliott, love."

  
Eliott has tears in his eyes just like Lucas and he cups his face and kisses him and feels so happy, both of them.

  
"I could never beat your present, seriously," Lucas says and Eliott laughs like a winner. "But, still," he stands up, goes to the kitchen counter and from the bottom cabinet he pulls the package, oblong, flat. He comes back to Eliott, handing him his present in yellow and gold paper. "Merry Christmas, love."

  
Eliott smiles at him, his eyes brighter than the sun. Then he rips the paper off and-

  
"Wait!" Lucas puts his hand on it, looking at Eliott. "Let me explain first," Eliott nods. "So, I was searching, a lot. I was doing that because of my late astronomy classes, you know," Eliott nods again, "but then I was doing that because I couldn´t stop, I couldn´t not do that," Lucas shakes his head. "Eliott, a miracle happened."

  
Eliott takes a breath. "What miracle?" he asks quietly to not disturb the moment.

  
"You know, when you were born, a miracle happened. I found it. I discovered it. This star... I... I found your star, Eliott," Lucas whispers like it was a secret and somebody could hear them.

  
Eliott stares at him with wide sparkly eyes, not able to say a word.

  
"Eliott, this star-," Lucas takes away the paper and turns the black frame in Eliott´s hands. There is this picture of night sky, there is star map, several little shiny bods and then this one, in the middle, bigger and lighter, the star. "-this star is yours, Eliott. I discovered her, you know? And you know why she´s yours? Because she appeared on the sky for the very first time the night you were born, Eliott. She was born with you."

  
Eliott is speechless, he can´t speak._ He can´t fucking speak._

  
He swallows over the big lump in his throat but still not saying a word.

  
Anyways, Lucas continues.

  
"I was searching a lot, I read hundreds articles on internet, I went to the library and read almost every paper from the date you were born, but nothing about this star. I went to the observatory to ask the professionals, because, who am I, right? Astronomy student, learning about stars for two months and already knew everything the best?" Lucas laughs. Eliott stares. "Well, they examined a lot, together with me. And they told me... that I am right. You hear me, Eliott? I was right. I am right. They told me I discovered this star," Lucas brushes the tear off of his cheek.

  
"Lucas," Eliott whispers, tears in his eyes give up and fall down his cheeks.

  
"I called this star Elius," says Lucas, reaches his index and points to the description under the star map. And there it is, black letters, _ELIUS_. "After you," says Lucas.

  
Eliott shakes his head, his fingers start trembling.

  
"It´s literally your star, Eliott, she was born with you."

  
Eliott shakes his head again.

  
"Elius is your star name, Eliott, you know?" Lucas says and caresses Eliott´s cheek.  
"I guess two miracles were born that night," Lucas smiles adoringly at Eliott and then he takes the frame from his grip, put it on the coffee table and grabs Eliott´s hand. "Come with me," he says, tugging him up.

  
Eliott goes, of course he does. Lucas opens the french window leading to the open roof. It´s already dark outside, it´s Christmas´eve and Lucas leads him to the corner and there´s someting.

  
_There´s astronomical telescope._

  
_What?_ Eliott thinks. _How? When...?_ But doesn´t say a word.

  
"Take a look," says Lucas, tugs Eliott closer. "Carefully, it´s already settled, so try not to move with it."

  
And Eliott goes and looks into the telescope.

  
He blinks a few times, closes his other eye and he sees it. He sees exactly the same thing as is on the picture in the frame, but this is _real_. This is real and Eliott is looking at his star, he´s looking at Elius, and it´s beautiful and shiny and infinit.

  
...

  
Later that night, when the framed star map is hanging on their bedroom wall and Eliott is almost asleep, laying on Lucas, face pressed to his neck, Lucas gently runs his fingers through his hair, Eliott groans out of nowhere.

  
"What is it?" Lucas asks, worried.

  
"Don´t laugh, but...," Eliott says, "my stomach hurts."

  
Lucas laughs. Of course he does.

  
...

  
The new year comes.

  
On their three years anniversary they´re go to one fancy restaurant for dinner. It started snowing earlier that day and Lucas was watching it, sitting in their read window (they have a read window, you know) and he felt like in a fairytale.

  
When they´re walking down the empty street back home from dinner, hand in hand, it´s really late and there´s nobody around them. Lucas listens as the snow's popping under their shoes and he remembers, three years ago, their first kiss in the snow, the weather similar to this.

Eliott remembers, too. He still sees that Lucas from that evening, his sleepy face on his couch, his angelic beauty under the streetlamp, his messy wet hair, his wide eyes.

  
"Lucas, love," says Eliott, stops in the middle of the street, it´s quiet, snow´s peacefully falling around them.

  
"Yes," Lucas says, smiles at him. And he´s so beautiful. He´s literal angel.

  
"Let´s get married," says Eliott.

  
"What?" Lucas raises his eyebrows.

  
"Let´s get married, now, we already are engaged, don´t be so surprised."

  
"Yes, I know we are engaged Eliott, I said yes, remember?" Lucas laughs.

  
"Yes," and then "so?"

  
"What exactly do you mean? It´s so late, who could wed us now?" Lucas is confused. They really didn´t plan a wedding, yet, they were perfectly happy as fiances till now.

  
Eliott looks at him with soft smile, stands right in front of him, takes his both hands to his own.

  
"I, Eliott," he says and Lucas´ heart starts beating faster, "take you, Lucas, my love, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life," Eliott says it like nothing and evertything at once.

  
Lucas coughs and takes a deep breath.

  
"I, Lucas," he starts and Eliott´s wide grin makes it pretty impossible for him to continue, but he tries, "take you, Eliott, the light of my life, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad...you know what, fuck it. I promise you I will never ever leave you, Eliott. I promise you my endless love till the day I die. I promise you I´ll take care of you, every day, every hour, every minute. I promise you, in our bad days, we´ll just take it minute by minute, because everything is gonna be okay again. I love you and I promise you I will never stop," Lucas says and Eliott´s grinning and then they kiss.

  
They kiss on the empty street for the first time like a married couple (kind of), they are happy like never. Their hearts are reaching for each other with loud beating in their chests and they are in love, wet from the snow what never stops falling down.

  
Their only witnesses, the moon and the stars, don´t tell anyone.

END.

I´LL BE - Edwin McCain (lyrics of this song I rediscovered and found out it´s about THEM.)

_The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful_   
_Stop me and steal my breath_   
_Emeralds from mountains and thrust towards the sky_   
_Never revealing their depth_

_Tell me that we belong together_   
_Dress it up with the trappings of love_   
_I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips_   
_Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above_

_I'll be your cryin' shoulder_   
_I'll be love suicide_   
_I'll be better when I'm older_   
_I'll be the greatest fan of your life_

_And rain falls angry on the tin roof_   
_As we lie awake in my bed_   
_You're my survival, you're my living proof_   
_My love is alive and not dead_

_Tell me that we belong together_   
_Dress it up with the trappings of love_   
_I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips_   
_Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above_

_I'll be your cryin' shoulder_   
_I'll be love suicide_   
_I'll be better when I'm older_   
_I'll be the greatest fan of your life_

_And I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead_   
_Tuned in, turned on, remembered the thing you said_

_I'll be your cryin' shoulder_   
_I'll be love suicide_   
_I'll be better when I'm older_   
_I'll be the greatest fan of your life_

_I'll be your cryin' shoulder_   
_I'll be love suicide_   
_I'll be better when I'm older_   
_I'll be the greatest fan of your life_

_The greatest fan of your life_   
_The greatest fan of your life_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can´t thank you enough, for every comment, kudos, for EVERYTHING.
> 
> Love you all. 
> 
> tumblr: briallenko  
ig art account: briallen.art
> 
> LOOK, If you didn´t know: i´m a space nerd AND i´m not fucking ashamed of that. Those space facts Lucas told Eliott are true.  
Elius, on the other hand, is totally made up thing. My head brought that to me one sleepless night.  
Let me know what you think.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr @briallenko  
ig art account: briallen.art
> 
> Due to personal reasons I highly recommending you to google "yawning hedgehog gif". It´s healing.


End file.
